I pretty much stayed in my room the whole day. Basically, hermitizing myself. I got something done tho albeit SLOWLY and at the pace of a sloth. I finished ONE of my two reports but slow because i was reading manga, watching dramas and surfing the net at the same time. I'm such a procrastinator.. Haven't started on my studying yet. But I hope to finish off the second report tomorrow and then start studying. I've gathered my notes from last term tho. Like i've taken them out. Haha!
TK has been freaking me out tho. TK's been studying for the past week so scared the crap out of me whenever I'm told of what TK's studied. I hope to stay away cause I prefer not be freaked out. I'm probably not going to do as well as TK but that's to be expected. I study alot less. Plus TK absorbs stuff alot faster and self studies a helluva lot better. *sigh* I'm still waiting for that sign that I'm cut out for this course. I think I've been pretty good at scraping through each time but I'm worried of the time when my luck runs out.
Also J's been ill lately. I've been calling J every so often cause I'm actually worried. I know we haven't been close in a long time.. heck to be honest I don't have close friends nowadays. I have more like acquaintances that I like to call friends. But we have a history so.. yes I'm worried. I keep seeing flashes of what my papa went through. I think I'm a little traumatized by the event eventhough it happened so long ago..
I remember sitting on my bed when my mum told me the news and the fact that I wasn't to tell my siblings about it. I felt so numb and was in shock. I just felt like I was paralyzed and I didn't even realise that tears were just slipping out my eyes. I knew then how terrified I was. Fear isn't really that all out screaming and scrambling hectic kind of feeling. Deep fear is one that paralyses you and you feel terrified that you can't control your reactions. It is more silent that anything. If you ask why I can cry alot more easily now.. it's because of that incident I think. I still cry whenever I think of it. I remember having to cover up and act like everything is fine in front of my younger sister. I remember having to go to the hospital on the day of his operation and wait 5-6 hours outside the OT. I think the news that my dad would have a 50-50% of surviving terrified me. I kept thinking of the worst. Like what would happen in the worst case scenario. During that period of my life, I cried the most and I didn't tell anyone about it for at least 6 months after my dad was declared in remission. It was hard having to keep it to myself but I didn't feel like I had anyone at that time. I was having problems with confiding in friends due to certain circumstances. I did tell one teacher. I was expecting to make it quick but the more she asked why I had to skip a nativity practice... I had to tell her the reason.. I had to take care of my dad. I thought I was stronger than that.. but I started to cry but still I kept trying to disguise it. But when she tried to comfort me and said she would pray for me and my dad.. I just started to cry silently. Outwardly, I'm surprised how good an actor I was.. no one really questioned or suspected I was going through all that. I guess when push comes to shove.. I didn't feel like I had anyone to support me. True enough.. when I did tell a select few.. they just didn't know what to say.. and were like.. "Oh.. I'm sorry.. but your dad is okay now right?" This was probably why I never said anything cause God knows what they would know what to do if i really needed their support.. so I kinda waited till I was able to deal with the emotions nonchalantly..I prayed fervently during that period of time. Surprisingly, I didn't blame the Lord but I just prayed that he gave me strength for that period of time and that he would help my dad get better.
Even now... a few months ago when P and I were close.. I found out that my dad was ill again but I was told with ulcers only.. but in the same area of his cancer.. hence.. I was terrified again.. I was worried that my mum was concealing from me the severity of his illness like she did to my elder sister who was in UK at the time. I couldn't sleep... I was scared.. and I just wanted to cry.. probably because I wasn't at home.. I went weak and I sought P out.. I ended up crying in her arms as silent as I could cause T was in the room.. I only wanted to talk but ended up crying.. after that incident I felt weak.. cause rarely people have seen me cry.. I was a little ashamed...I hate feeling like that.. T left the room when I was talking is low tones to P.. P wasn't much help but P didn't pretend to know how to deal with me.. P just cried along with me. Surprisingly, I did feel a little better and more able to deal with the fear rooted deep within. T came back around 4 am later on.. and advised me a bit. I'm forever grateful for that.. and it made me feel a little resentful that the people I called my friends were not able to support me then.. or rather I didn't let them.. but I knew their natures.. they would not be able to support me... In the end... my mum told me that it was ulcers.. but I'm still a little worried.. Then again.. I'm just putting it out of my mind.. and hoping for the best.
I don't know whether I'm as strong as I make myself out to be.. Sometimes I feel like I'm an emotional wreck. On the outside, I know people think that I'm strong.. cause i want to be and i want people to see me that way.. but.. I fear for the day that someone realises that I'm easily crushed.. when that day comes.. I'll probably run..I don't know how this post became all emo but.. I guess.. whenever i hear of something similar to what my dad went thru I get scared of losing people I care for again. I have loads of fears.. one of which is losing people I care for. But rationally... i know I have to let people go.. but it makes me depressed. I guess I wish for someone to call my own? like a friend to keep for myself.. but that isn't possible is it? haha.. maybe a robot friend that will never betray you.. Humans are so fallible..
Anyway.. I'm going to stop here...
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