Just a thought...

I wonder if anyone realises that.. once you make a decision.. no matter how small or large.. you inevitably are responsible for that decision you've made.

I doubt people realise that the decision doesn't have to be an official decision.. it could range from giving an opinion at a team meeting, to deciding to buy something and to deciding to say something. Everything is a decision.. and everything requires responsibility..

I feel so weighed down even tho I can barely count what my responsibilities are meaning that I've forgotten them..

I'm feeling so depressed with that reconfirmation..

It's so heavy... just living sometimes..

Complexes..

I don't know whether it's the music I'm listening to or what.. but my happy mood turned dark and emo.

I just started thinking about complexes.

One is probably my weight. I mean it's just depressing and I know people think that all girls have it. But I probably have it more cause it's a real issue. even medically has to be taken into account. By no means am I anorexic of course but I eat when I'm depressed and it just goes into a vicious cycle. My weight went up again cause of all the meals outside I've been having. Some close friends will say that i've got pretty features. But c'mon I'm not stupid. People would never look at you that closely to search for pretty features unless they are close friends. How you look influences how you react to people and also your career and etc. It's not just in the love department. The romance department is just a trivial issue in this case. The complex causes me to be more abrasive and defensive not just in this issue but until it's part of my personality. It's probably the cause of me not being appropriately girly so that I won't be looked down upon perhaps?

Another issue could probably be my elder sister and family complex. Its part middle child syndrome and part.. "trauma" from the treatment I get from my elder sister. I can't let it go and I don't think I ever will. So people are just going to have to accept that. The trauma isn't physical rather it's emotional and mental. Another complex that influences my life and choices.

There are probably more but I'd rather not get into it. These are just the biggest ones that are constantly on my mind.

I mean.. it's not like i'm unaware of it. The case is probably that i'm TOO aware of it. I don't like it but.. I can't help it. People who haven't got the same problems will not understand completely and will brush it off as a trivial issue or something that could easily be let go of or gotten over. It could probably be because I won't accept them understanding it.. but I do feel that it isn't possible for them to really understand how these complexes mess with your choices, personality and thinking. They may understand to a little extent but not the full extent.

It frustrates me when people think that I have my head in the clouds just cause of it. It isn't true. I'm a gemini for god's sake. Which means I do have a realistic side and I do know that how these things affect me and I'm usually rational when the time calls for it. But I like closing my eyes and dreaming of better things.. rather then going crazy and becoming all emo. The dreaming bit also helps with not worrying people by making them think that you're fine with everything as well as helping me cope with living with these complexes.

I could possibly be blowing these things out of proportion but.. I just wanted to get it off my chest for lack of a better saying.

I heard somewhere that a lot of people who appear strong.. usually have chinks in their armor so that if those chinks are found and targeted.. the armor crumbles and you'd be able to see how weak the person really is. I'm terrified of that ever happening to me. I don't like to think of myself as weak.. but I'm terrified that i'll discover that I totally am one day.

Terrified...

Been ages.. On holiday xoxo~!

It's been ages since i've posted. I guess I wasn't emo or writ-ey enough to post. Hehe! But really I've been holiday with breaks in between. I suspect my last post was on my london trip. Then, I went on a week's holiday to bulgaria for skiing. It was really awesome. I wouldn't mind going back again. Skiing I mean. Snowboarding? to be honest.. I'd like to try it but i totally prefer skiing over it. But then again the snowboarder boots seem less painful than the skiing boots. Those boots gave me so many bruises and I was in pain for days. But as Yanko said or was it Dennis? "Pain is gain!" Hahhaha. The pictures for bulgaria.. well I didn't take many except at our "diploma ceremony" at a bar in one of the hotels. S took loads of breath taking photos. Most of them are up on facebook. I can't wait to get them from S. The skill of selca is awesome with S.

As I'm typing this out.. I'm supposed to be preparing for my next lil vacation. I'm heading to the czech republic i.e. prague and then onwards to vienna on Sunday but going to notts tomorrow first. I've heard so much about these places but I've yet to go to my main countries of France and Italy. In particular, Italy. I dunno.. there's something about the food and the romantic idea of the culture and place that makes me really want to do justice to the place in way of a holiday there.

The time and weather has been really crap lately though. The time now is about half eight pm but just before 8 was sunset. I thought this only happened during summer. It's currently mid-spring which makes this strange. It's so disorienting in a strangely comforting way? I mean more light is always good I suppose.

Also, with the fact that I seem like a total innocent cause on my bulgarian trip well... things conspired that really made me seem like a total innocent. I'm the only one who has never been attached and hasn't had my first kiss. *shrugs* like a proper kiss. SO when kissing dares came forth.. well I'm sure the blanks are filled in cause I backed away so fast you could see dust in my wake.

ANyway.. more on that when I get back from my holiday and if i remember. Kay.. time to shower and pack! Cheers!

i know..

I know I said that I wouldn't say or lament about the whole boyfriend thing. But I dunno.. Hmm.. I mean I don't actually want a boyfriend. I want to be able to "fall" for someone? Cause.. at the moment.. I usually observe guys and see that maybe they might be compatible.. but if they don't show any interest or if they show interest in other people or aren't interesting enough .. well I just lost interest.. I don't fight for it.. I don't hold on to the feeling. Basically.. I've never actually liked anyone so much that it hurt to let them go.

I know alot of people would say that it's better not to have that kind of experience cause.. lol it's not nice? I think it would be an experience for me. A new one. Probably a good one... even if it is bittersweet. Obviously, I don't expect anyone to fall for me right back. But I'd like to be able to let go of my control issues and risk adversity... and like someone wholeheartedly? This is a difficult post.

I think people like me are doomed to be old maids. If its not the personality.. well I think its probably that I'm not attractive appearance wise. Easy to believe. *shrugs* I think I'm coming to terms with it. The more the days pass and the years pass as I get older.. the more I'm coming to accept it as it is. But I hope that if I do have the luck to fall for someone completely well.. I hope I fight for it instead of giving up and letting that person go out of habit.

Lol.. Me thinks I've been reading too many shoujo mangas. I can't wait till my skii trip.. I miss people who actually like my company or people that I don't have to make the effort to make conversation. I mean I want conversation but.. nowadays it feels like such an effort to make conversation.. I feel like I want to be a recluse at times but at the same time.. feel a little lonely.

Oh yea I watched Marley and Me the other day with J. It was a good day. The movie was surprisingly touching. I was a little teary. All in all, an awesome movie!

Oh an M'nite was tonight. I feel so detached. I mean I was there.. but instead of it being such a big thing with all the intensity pressure.. i felt a little flat. I think I need a jumpstart on the adrenaline.. Maybe I need to do bungee jumping or something... Face my fears and all the jazz..

Anyway, I think I'll head off now.

Over and out

Life from my little room!

I pretty much stayed in my room the whole day. Basically, hermitizing myself. I got something done tho albeit SLOWLY and at the pace of a sloth. I finished ONE of my two reports but slow because i was reading manga, watching dramas and surfing the net at the same time. I'm such a procrastinator.. Haven't started on my studying yet. But I hope to finish off the second report tomorrow and then start studying. I've gathered my notes from last term tho. Like i've taken them out. Haha!

TK has been freaking me out tho. TK's been studying for the past week so scared the crap out of me whenever I'm told of what TK's studied. I hope to stay away cause I prefer not be freaked out. I'm probably not going to do as well as TK but that's to be expected. I study alot less. Plus TK absorbs stuff alot faster and self studies a helluva lot better. *sigh* I'm still waiting for that sign that I'm cut out for this course. I think I've been pretty good at scraping through each time but I'm worried of the time when my luck runs out.

Also J's been ill lately. I've been calling J every so often cause I'm actually worried. I know we haven't been close in a long time.. heck to be honest I don't have close friends nowadays. I have more like acquaintances that I like to call friends. But we have a history so.. yes I'm worried. I keep seeing flashes of what my papa went through. I think I'm a little traumatized by the event eventhough it happened so long ago..

I remember sitting on my bed when my mum told me the news and the fact that I wasn't to tell my siblings about it. I felt so numb and was in shock. I just felt like I was paralyzed and I didn't even realise that tears were just slipping out my eyes. I knew then how terrified I was. Fear isn't really that all out screaming and scrambling hectic kind of feeling. Deep fear is one that paralyses you and you feel terrified that you can't control your reactions. It is more silent that anything. If you ask why I can cry alot more easily now.. it's because of that incident I think. I still cry whenever I think of it. I remember having to cover up and act like everything is fine in front of my younger sister. I remember having to go to the hospital on the day of his operation and wait 5-6 hours outside the OT. I think the news that my dad would have a 50-50% of surviving terrified me. I kept thinking of the worst. Like what would happen in the worst case scenario. During that period of my life, I cried the most and I didn't tell anyone about it for at least 6 months after my dad was declared in remission. It was hard having to keep it to myself but I didn't feel like I had anyone at that time. I was having problems with confiding in friends due to certain circumstances. I did tell one teacher. I was expecting to make it quick but the more she asked why I had to skip a nativity practice... I had to tell her the reason.. I had to take care of my dad. I thought I was stronger than that.. but I started to cry but still I kept trying to disguise it. But when she tried to comfort me and said she would pray for me and my dad.. I just started to cry silently. Outwardly, I'm surprised how good an actor I was.. no one really questioned or suspected I was going through all that. I guess when push comes to shove.. I didn't feel like I had anyone to support me. True enough.. when I did tell a select few.. they just didn't know what to say.. and were like.. "Oh.. I'm sorry.. but your dad is okay now right?" This was probably why I never said anything cause God knows what they would know what to do if i really needed their support.. so I kinda waited till I was able to deal with the emotions nonchalantly..I prayed fervently during that period of time. Surprisingly, I didn't blame the Lord but I just prayed that he gave me strength for that period of time and that he would help my dad get better.

Even now... a few months ago when P and I were close.. I found out that my dad was ill again but I was told with ulcers only.. but in the same area of his cancer.. hence.. I was terrified again.. I was worried that my mum was concealing from me the severity of his illness like she did to my elder sister who was in UK at the time. I couldn't sleep... I was scared.. and I just wanted to cry.. probably because I wasn't at home.. I went weak and I sought P out.. I ended up crying in her arms as silent as I could cause T was in the room.. I only wanted to talk but ended up crying.. after that incident I felt weak.. cause rarely people have seen me cry.. I was a little ashamed...I hate feeling like that.. T left the room when I was talking is low tones to P.. P wasn't much help but P didn't pretend to know how to deal with me.. P just cried along with me. Surprisingly, I did feel a little better and more able to deal with the fear rooted deep within. T came back around 4 am later on.. and advised me a bit. I'm forever grateful for that.. and it made me feel a little resentful that the people I called my friends were not able to support me then.. or rather I didn't let them.. but I knew their natures.. they would not be able to support me... In the end... my mum told me that it was ulcers.. but I'm still a little worried.. Then again.. I'm just putting it out of my mind.. and hoping for the best.

I don't know whether I'm as strong as I make myself out to be.. Sometimes I feel like I'm an emotional wreck. On the outside, I know people think that I'm strong.. cause i want to be and i want people to see me that way.. but.. I fear for the day that someone realises that I'm easily crushed.. when that day comes.. I'll probably run..I don't know how this post became all emo but.. I guess.. whenever i hear of something similar to what my dad went thru I get scared of losing people I care for again. I have loads of fears.. one of which is losing people I care for. But rationally... i know I have to let people go.. but it makes me depressed. I guess I wish for someone to call my own? like a friend to keep for myself.. but that isn't possible is it? haha.. maybe a robot friend that will never betray you.. Humans are so fallible..

Anyway.. I'm going to stop here...

Sunday..

I woke up.. found out that my plans to go out has fallen through again. F has "put aeroplane" on me again. Worse is I've involved JJ. Made plans to go out with JJ earlier but changed it cause of F. Then JJ couldn't make it when I asked whether it was okay to go back to the original plans.

This is probably the 5/6 time that F has done this. I don't know.. P says that F isn't a real friend. Sometimes I do think that.. but other times.. I remember how much F and I fought to make our friendship the way it is.. It is relatively stable. Maybe I'm kidding myself. But I've taken measures though. I used to think I had to invest so much time into our friendship. But now I just can't be bothered.. I don't have the energy. I'm not actually angry. I guess I feel numb to it now. I suppose F had a reason this time. Health reason. Oh well... Life hasn't been very great to me late in terms of socially.

I can't wait till my earphones arrive. I think I'll go to the gym today. I'm kinda worried. I've been doing more exercise lately but my weight isn't dropping. I've been cutting down on my food intake as well. It seems like I'm gaining weight or staying the same. My metabolism seems to be slowing down even further. Ever since that scare about having hypothyroidism in the summer.. part of me has had mixed reactions to it. One part feels like it would like to have the condition so that I'd have something to blame my enormous weight. The other is scared that I actually have it... and it's manifesting itself even though evidence claimed that I didn't have it.. well not yet.. I mean I would have to take medicine for life if that were the case. But really.. why am I like this? I can't love myself entirely cause I abhor my weakness.. the weak will and the grotesque weight I hold. If I can't love myself.. I'm not fit to have anyone else love me right? So depressing..

There has to be something wrong with me.. I can't seem to get through this barrier that has come back to haunt me time and time again. Why am I so flawed.. I feel really emo today.. I hate myself for it. Why couldn't I be stronger... why couldn't I be more content with who I am. Sometimes I feel happy with who I am. What is this evil thing inside me that keeps questioning my worth.

Forget it lah.. Perhaps.. I'm just unlikeable inside.. which is why it translates to the outside.

I sorted out my notes for uni... finally. The other thing I have to do is at least start sorting out my account again. I haven't done it for a month. Money has been flying out of my account at an alarming rate. I haven't been able to save money.. like I did last year. It's quite sad. And here I am still thinking of what else I have to buy. *sigh* It's an illness..

P has been studying hard and hanging out with T all the time. Strangely enough... I miss P's presence. But I guess I should have been more prepared for this. P is the type of person that when falls for a person would spend all the time with that person.. not purposely forgetting other people. I want to bear a grudge but I can't. I can't say I'm not disappointed though.. because I'd be lying.

F is with J as well. I don't know. I wish people would stop going away from me. Like as if I'm something to be enjoyed when they don't have a significant other. I can only say.. I hope I'm not going to be like that if I ever..*slim chance* ever get a significant other. But then again by that time I probably won't have friends anymore and will cling to the sig. other for companionship.

T is with L. They're joined at the hip. I like L though.. in a purely friendship way so I don't mind them. It's envious though.

God.. I'm probably the only one alone. I've been alone for the 20 years of my life. I'm guessing the pattern will continue for another 20 years.

Stress from school has really been getting to me. I don't actually do anything though. It's just.. so frustrating. Something my friend said struck me. "I wish for one day.. I would just not exist. Don't want to die.. just not exist for a day so that I won't feel any emotion."

I think it must be that time of the month. Perhaps that is why I'm so emo. I hope that's the reason.

I don't know what else to say so I'm signing off here.

Testing.. and Official first post

Welcome to Messy Simplicity. Officially opening on the 17th of January 2009! Woooo!

I've decided to open a proper online journal. One that I can really write what I think and such without complete censorship. I'm probably not going to be updating much but I'd really like a place where I can just blog about what has upset me that day or what has made me happy. Inane things like that. I've shared a blog with other people for years and it seems like they are all just drifting away.. leaving the blog less and less updated to the point where it is pretty much abandoned. I'm not saying that I'm not guilty of this myself.

Why Messy Simplicity? Cause Organised Mess was taken. Hahaha. Messy for my random thought process and Simplicity just to be contrary, to reflect my conflicting sides.

I cried alot today. Watching dramas for one thing.. and another just letting out the stress that has been building up. I feel apologetic for letting out at my mum. But she was being awesome even though I didn't appreciate it at that point in time. She didn't mind and she welcomed me to do so.

Gosh.. I'm becoming a veritable leaky tap. Perhaps, it's age.

Something else has been bothering me. The fact that everyone around me has been popping up all couple like. It's like a field blossoming into daises or something. I am happy for them but obviously I'm not a saint. I'm going to be envious and sometimes it is a little irritating. It also makes me think.. well maybe I should start preparing to be a spinster. Obviously, I'm not easily to be liked/loved. Or it could be my complex with men. I find men to be lacking. But the ones that aren't.. are usually attached or gay. *sigh* I do try to be happy for all the happy couples around me. I wish them the best of luck. I'll just have to stay away from them unless it's only for a short period that I have to endure the sickly lovey dovey gestures and looks. I'm going to puke..

Haha! I sound a little bit man-hating. Oh well! I am not really... I think I'm an incurable romantic. I build up a really tough exterior... protective mechanism really. And perhaps I'm worried I'm fragile inside. It hasn't really been tested so I don't really know.. Geh! this post is becoming way too self reflecting. I meant for it to be short. I guess I didn't realise how many things I've kept in my head. I miss writing. Other than for that epic piece of fiction I wrote so long ago.. I haven't written anything. I suppose this blog will be my next endeavour.

That's it! Sayonara!