Complexes..

I don't know whether it's the music I'm listening to or what.. but my happy mood turned dark and emo.

I just started thinking about complexes.

One is probably my weight. I mean it's just depressing and I know people think that all girls have it. But I probably have it more cause it's a real issue. even medically has to be taken into account. By no means am I anorexic of course but I eat when I'm depressed and it just goes into a vicious cycle. My weight went up again cause of all the meals outside I've been having. Some close friends will say that i've got pretty features. But c'mon I'm not stupid. People would never look at you that closely to search for pretty features unless they are close friends. How you look influences how you react to people and also your career and etc. It's not just in the love department. The romance department is just a trivial issue in this case. The complex causes me to be more abrasive and defensive not just in this issue but until it's part of my personality. It's probably the cause of me not being appropriately girly so that I won't be looked down upon perhaps?

Another issue could probably be my elder sister and family complex. Its part middle child syndrome and part.. "trauma" from the treatment I get from my elder sister. I can't let it go and I don't think I ever will. So people are just going to have to accept that. The trauma isn't physical rather it's emotional and mental. Another complex that influences my life and choices.

There are probably more but I'd rather not get into it. These are just the biggest ones that are constantly on my mind.

I mean.. it's not like i'm unaware of it. The case is probably that i'm TOO aware of it. I don't like it but.. I can't help it. People who haven't got the same problems will not understand completely and will brush it off as a trivial issue or something that could easily be let go of or gotten over. It could probably be because I won't accept them understanding it.. but I do feel that it isn't possible for them to really understand how these complexes mess with your choices, personality and thinking. They may understand to a little extent but not the full extent.

It frustrates me when people think that I have my head in the clouds just cause of it. It isn't true. I'm a gemini for god's sake. Which means I do have a realistic side and I do know that how these things affect me and I'm usually rational when the time calls for it. But I like closing my eyes and dreaming of better things.. rather then going crazy and becoming all emo. The dreaming bit also helps with not worrying people by making them think that you're fine with everything as well as helping me cope with living with these complexes.

I could possibly be blowing these things out of proportion but.. I just wanted to get it off my chest for lack of a better saying.

I heard somewhere that a lot of people who appear strong.. usually have chinks in their armor so that if those chinks are found and targeted.. the armor crumbles and you'd be able to see how weak the person really is. I'm terrified of that ever happening to me. I don't like to think of myself as weak.. but I'm terrified that i'll discover that I totally am one day.

Terrified...