mum left

my mum just left. when she was leaving strangely enough my chest felt tight and i wanted to tell her not go.. *shrugs* eventhough I've been thinking that it's seriously time for her to go cause.. yea my room is small.

but i did have a slight panic attack in my mind wanting her not to go.. I'm a little scared that i won't be able to cope. In fact I'm just plain terrified but I know I'll survive somehow.. but the apprehension doesn't go away even though rationally you know. Sometimes i feel like i have two minds battling for the dominant thought in my head. sounds weird i know. but whatever.

oh well.. i'm a little emo but i need to buck up and get to studying again. maybe i'll mope for an hour first.

should be doing other things

Waking up in the morning is a chore when you're in a state of crappy moodiness really. In any case, I skipped the useless lecture i had this morning and went for brunch with my mum. Lo and behold... it was shut and would only open at 12. SO! we went browsing in a nearby chinese grocery store till it opened and had ngau lam min! =D nyam.. and bought local chinese buns and egg tarts.

I honestly should be concentrating very hard right now. My exams are in exactly a week's time. *sigh* I'm stressed up to my eyeballs but somehow in the whole grand scheme of things.. I can't seem to motivate myself. Mentally knowing.. emotionally unwilling and physically confused by the two other aspects. Guess we know which aspect of my psyche is winning.

People keep saying that it was really brave of me during my accident and such. But to be honest.. it was hard to feel anything rather than cry and freak out. I mean I was freaking out but it was better for me not to make a massive hoo-ha about it cause people were already freaked out by it even without me freaking out so instead... i purposely made it a grand joke.. enjoyable for my sadistic side and for the grand masses.

Have I expressed myself emotionally since then? Well.. even during the high of the first couple of weeks... I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. For the tears and depression to come. I knew it would and it has.. albeit a bit slower and lagging that one would have imagined. I don't know.. I'd rather people not have known about it. If my mum wasn't here... heck no one would have really known. But if i were totally alone.. I might not have held back and just bawled every day. Not healthy I know. Life is hard.. how hard? don't know yet. My brilliant mum has been taking care of me. I get snappish easily.. and even tho i feel bad about being snappish its hard to bite my tongue sometimes. I just hope she understands.

Right.. other than getting emo about this...

I WON the grand prize for lucky draw of mnite! hehe! first time in my entire life which shows my luck is not to be envied. I have a feeling that the "powers that be" felt they've kicked me around a bit too much and decided to give me a break. So thanks! yay money for shopping.

kay.., that's about it.. i think i've procrastinated a bit too long. cheers y'all

just a tad upset..

It's really no biggie.. I wonder whether it's a mixture of the alcohol I had.. the stress I've been putting on myself.. and just that hormonal stage of my life. But I got upset..

I mean it's nothing big lah.. it's just..

I've worked pretty hard at keeping the weight down.. and I was proud of losing that 5 kgs.. but.. it's stressful having to constantly monitor consciously the food I'm eating.. or rather not eating.. which makes me kinda miserable.. And so I guess I'm on edge.. hoping that someone will notice.. or support me.. rather than saying the opposite. Unfortunately, one of my housemates.. being a guy made a rather insensitive comment.. which normally I wouldn't take to heart cause hey. he's a guy and usually he's my fav guy of the 3 guys I have as housemates.. So I got upset.. and at first tried to cover it up by pretending to be absolutely tipsy from the mere 5 mixers and 2 glasses of wine i had and interrogating him and taking it out on him by whacking him several times playfully and unplayfully. but then I think I got a little desperate and more upset.. and wouldn't let it go.. a bad habit of mine that I usually am able to suppress but.. I did have a little to drink that loosened the control I had over that habit of mine. then somehow the night ended with me going upstairs to my room and ending it up here wondering how it happened.. He did come upstairs to see whether I was allright and apologising for whatever he did ... but I never really let people know how much things bother me but I suppose he realised cause I couldn't look him in the eye cause I was kinda upset and used the rest of my control to not be too upset in front of him and waited till he left the room before letting myself be totally upset.

I'm only writing this to get it off my chest and let me be finished with it.. as well as understand that I was being silly about it. And pray that my friend isn't too troubled by it cause honestly he was just saying the wrong thing, in the wrong place... wrong time. I don't want to annoy him.. and I don't really know WHY I got so upset but for some reason.. that comment did upset me.. and made me paranoid.. I know he'll never see this but.. yea.. I'm sorry I acted like an idiot.. I guess I haven't grown up as much as I'd like to think so.. *sigh* I pity any idiot that actually is stupid enough to fall for a crap person like me cause he'd have to deal with my temperamental-ness..

*sigh* strangely enough.. today was an okay day with a crappily weird finish.. I hope tomorrow will be better and I hope the next two days go fast enough.. I want to go home to recuperate..

studying

I studied quite solidly today. well it took me from like 10 am in the morning to 3 pm to actually get started.

So i'm quite pleased. I'm trying not to let the panic set in.

I think I'm going try and kill myself going to the gym after my exams. That's my goal!

On a happy note.. my easter holidays is going to be full! I hope I keep my energy levels up! going to london first 2 days after holls start. YAY! gonna watch wicked! I hope P and I can bond again there but if not.. hahah Y is going to have to keep me company. Technically, I start my holls right after exams.. haha i have like 10 days before holls start where I can bum around! Then going to bulgaria for skiing on the 29th of Mar for a week then back on The 5th and off again on the 12th to prague- vienna-london! and back here in time for 2 days before school starts. It's going to be awesome! Have to stay in a good mood tho in spite of the tiredness!

If I pass this exam... then i'm quite home free I think at the moment.. well that's how I'd like to think.. so aja! aja! hwaiting! must do craniofacial development and dental tissues over the weekend. THen, I would have done 4 topics. And I'd just have to cover OE, BP mainly next week.. and perhaps read ND and BSD.

Other things to think about.. I hope J is okay in s'pore.. I haven't hear from J since she left. I miss L alot now.. I hope that I'll hang out with her during the summer again. I bet I'll end up doing that cause everyone else kinda ditches me during the summer. That's partly true but the other truth is that I feel left out even if I do go out with them. Plus everyone's all attached like. It's not a good atmosphere for singles.

I've been really good at procrastinating lately. geh.. as usual.. i'm prone to it during exam period. Actually, I wanna make truffles.. Hmm.. I'll try it during my break. which will be awesome! =D

Kay! Over and out!