Ruts

Its been years. I've almost forgot about this little corner of the web of mine.

Things have got me thinking. Recently.. early this year, I attempted dating? random people. Can I even call it that? it was more like meeting new people that's all. I couldn't seem to engage with anybody. I think I'm just not the type to inspire that feeling in people.. nor do people inspire that feeling in me. I'm glad I attempted it.. It solidified who I am as a person. Gave me more insight into what I can live with and what I cannot live with but now I'm just tired of this. If its fate, it will happen. I'm guessing for me.. its probably never going to happen. On paper, I may seem ideal and its not possible for me to not have a significant other.. but I know better than I'm essentially a very boring person and I don't know how to let go of control as well as not physically appealing to the opposite sex so.. in general, I won't appeal. Says something that each time, I meet someone in person after chatting to them so long.. they lose any interest they might have had. Shallow as fck.. most guys. Do I regret not going for that guy who I basically was seeing for 3 months? Not really, I didn't feel heartbroken when we stopped, I felt bruised and slightly disappointed but heartbroken? no.. Can't be fair to him also if I just settled just for the sake of having a sig. other.

But I can't deny that.. well... People around you pairing off.. basically meaning they just have someone that they enjoy being with indefinitely. Essentially, as a single person, this shit is hard. Do I lower my already super low standards?

My number one criteria is that they like my company and just enjoy seeking my company, that alone would make me fall for them further... Harder than you think to find. Can't imagine having less a criteria than that. Watched an anime which stated something that struck true.. I just want that contentment whereby you can talk about nothing happily with another person.

On another note, I feel like I'm wearing out my welcome everywhere. Pretty sure everything I do irritates Aunt D. She's just so darn irritable.. possibly cause she's in pain but that rotten mood sure does make me feel like i have to bite back all my responses. She's so totally OCD, and while I can attempt to follow her rules.. she just has so many effing rules, acting so very uncool more than half the time.

I also feel maybe I need to find my own space, maybe I should look into moving out. But I don't want to also.. it would feel lonely.

Is that such a bad thing? to crave some companionship? Isn't it good already that I'm not desperate that I'm craving other people's companionship 24/7? Does J have to make it sound like I'm totally needy just because I'm not living on my own? She doesn't live on her own either! so what's the big deal?

I'm just a brat and all my problems are first world problems. But should I let go of that control? self destruct? Start sleeping around like some people i know because they're lonely? I reckon that's less healthy but in someways.. I feel that might break some unknown barrier that I cannot see.

Sigh... shit happens