i know..

I know I said that I wouldn't say or lament about the whole boyfriend thing. But I dunno.. Hmm.. I mean I don't actually want a boyfriend. I want to be able to "fall" for someone? Cause.. at the moment.. I usually observe guys and see that maybe they might be compatible.. but if they don't show any interest or if they show interest in other people or aren't interesting enough .. well I just lost interest.. I don't fight for it.. I don't hold on to the feeling. Basically.. I've never actually liked anyone so much that it hurt to let them go.

I know alot of people would say that it's better not to have that kind of experience cause.. lol it's not nice? I think it would be an experience for me. A new one. Probably a good one... even if it is bittersweet. Obviously, I don't expect anyone to fall for me right back. But I'd like to be able to let go of my control issues and risk adversity... and like someone wholeheartedly? This is a difficult post.

I think people like me are doomed to be old maids. If its not the personality.. well I think its probably that I'm not attractive appearance wise. Easy to believe. *shrugs* I think I'm coming to terms with it. The more the days pass and the years pass as I get older.. the more I'm coming to accept it as it is. But I hope that if I do have the luck to fall for someone completely well.. I hope I fight for it instead of giving up and letting that person go out of habit.

Lol.. Me thinks I've been reading too many shoujo mangas. I can't wait till my skii trip.. I miss people who actually like my company or people that I don't have to make the effort to make conversation. I mean I want conversation but.. nowadays it feels like such an effort to make conversation.. I feel like I want to be a recluse at times but at the same time.. feel a little lonely.

Oh yea I watched Marley and Me the other day with J. It was a good day. The movie was surprisingly touching. I was a little teary. All in all, an awesome movie!

Oh an M'nite was tonight. I feel so detached. I mean I was there.. but instead of it being such a big thing with all the intensity pressure.. i felt a little flat. I think I need a jumpstart on the adrenaline.. Maybe I need to do bungee jumping or something... Face my fears and all the jazz..

Anyway, I think I'll head off now.

Over and out