Sunday..

I woke up.. found out that my plans to go out has fallen through again. F has "put aeroplane" on me again. Worse is I've involved JJ. Made plans to go out with JJ earlier but changed it cause of F. Then JJ couldn't make it when I asked whether it was okay to go back to the original plans.

This is probably the 5/6 time that F has done this. I don't know.. P says that F isn't a real friend. Sometimes I do think that.. but other times.. I remember how much F and I fought to make our friendship the way it is.. It is relatively stable. Maybe I'm kidding myself. But I've taken measures though. I used to think I had to invest so much time into our friendship. But now I just can't be bothered.. I don't have the energy. I'm not actually angry. I guess I feel numb to it now. I suppose F had a reason this time. Health reason. Oh well... Life hasn't been very great to me late in terms of socially.

I can't wait till my earphones arrive. I think I'll go to the gym today. I'm kinda worried. I've been doing more exercise lately but my weight isn't dropping. I've been cutting down on my food intake as well. It seems like I'm gaining weight or staying the same. My metabolism seems to be slowing down even further. Ever since that scare about having hypothyroidism in the summer.. part of me has had mixed reactions to it. One part feels like it would like to have the condition so that I'd have something to blame my enormous weight. The other is scared that I actually have it... and it's manifesting itself even though evidence claimed that I didn't have it.. well not yet.. I mean I would have to take medicine for life if that were the case. But really.. why am I like this? I can't love myself entirely cause I abhor my weakness.. the weak will and the grotesque weight I hold. If I can't love myself.. I'm not fit to have anyone else love me right? So depressing..

There has to be something wrong with me.. I can't seem to get through this barrier that has come back to haunt me time and time again. Why am I so flawed.. I feel really emo today.. I hate myself for it. Why couldn't I be stronger... why couldn't I be more content with who I am. Sometimes I feel happy with who I am. What is this evil thing inside me that keeps questioning my worth.

Forget it lah.. Perhaps.. I'm just unlikeable inside.. which is why it translates to the outside.

I sorted out my notes for uni... finally. The other thing I have to do is at least start sorting out my account again. I haven't done it for a month. Money has been flying out of my account at an alarming rate. I haven't been able to save money.. like I did last year. It's quite sad. And here I am still thinking of what else I have to buy. *sigh* It's an illness..

P has been studying hard and hanging out with T all the time. Strangely enough... I miss P's presence. But I guess I should have been more prepared for this. P is the type of person that when falls for a person would spend all the time with that person.. not purposely forgetting other people. I want to bear a grudge but I can't. I can't say I'm not disappointed though.. because I'd be lying.

F is with J as well. I don't know. I wish people would stop going away from me. Like as if I'm something to be enjoyed when they don't have a significant other. I can only say.. I hope I'm not going to be like that if I ever..*slim chance* ever get a significant other. But then again by that time I probably won't have friends anymore and will cling to the sig. other for companionship.

T is with L. They're joined at the hip. I like L though.. in a purely friendship way so I don't mind them. It's envious though.

God.. I'm probably the only one alone. I've been alone for the 20 years of my life. I'm guessing the pattern will continue for another 20 years.

Stress from school has really been getting to me. I don't actually do anything though. It's just.. so frustrating. Something my friend said struck me. "I wish for one day.. I would just not exist. Don't want to die.. just not exist for a day so that I won't feel any emotion."

I think it must be that time of the month. Perhaps that is why I'm so emo. I hope that's the reason.

I don't know what else to say so I'm signing off here.