hello again

I'm back for a while... i always feel like writing when i'm contemplative... when i feel like i don't have anyone to talk to.. pushed into a corner.. a rut.

I do feel lonely, because I don't have people willing to go the extra mile for me just cause it is nice to do so. I realise.. to do so means I have to be that way in the first place. I just feel like i need to purge this ugly feeling out of me. Is it bad to feel pleased that other people are lonely enough to be my companion?

I think that's because.. the clock is ticking.. and it feels like time is running out.. how did i grow up so quickly.. how did people move on so quickly? I do think i'll be missing out on alot. I feel like i'm not going anywhere..

I don't want to be so emo.. but it is something that just happens.. and just because people don't want to see it doesn't mean it is going to go away.

it is so hard to keep up this happy, cheerful, talkative attitude with everyone.. and when i don't do it.. people see it as me sulking or being sullen. I'm not... it just takes far too much energy to be pleasant.

I don't like feeling like i'm disliked. I don't like harbouring this dislike to for people either. It feels like poison is clogging my emotions and paralysing me. Everything has changed.. have I? have you? why does it feel like my mentality hasn't?

I'm a little worried this year.. could be stress.. could be the age.. etc but I feel cold so easily.. what happened to my heat capacity.. I'm lethargic and tired all the time. What's happening? Why do I feel like time is speeding up but I'm slowing down.

Tears come so easily now as well. I have a deceivingly tough exterior.. but truthfully.. it feels like one mean word and I'm upset so easily.

I don't know.. I just.. don't know anymore. What.. am I going to do..

Hopefully, I'll feel better tomorrow but it does feel that i get depressed so easily without provocation. I hate myself like this..