Ruts

Its been years. I've almost forgot about this little corner of the web of mine.

Things have got me thinking. Recently.. early this year, I attempted dating? random people. Can I even call it that? it was more like meeting new people that's all. I couldn't seem to engage with anybody. I think I'm just not the type to inspire that feeling in people.. nor do people inspire that feeling in me. I'm glad I attempted it.. It solidified who I am as a person. Gave me more insight into what I can live with and what I cannot live with but now I'm just tired of this. If its fate, it will happen. I'm guessing for me.. its probably never going to happen. On paper, I may seem ideal and its not possible for me to not have a significant other.. but I know better than I'm essentially a very boring person and I don't know how to let go of control as well as not physically appealing to the opposite sex so.. in general, I won't appeal. Says something that each time, I meet someone in person after chatting to them so long.. they lose any interest they might have had. Shallow as fck.. most guys. Do I regret not going for that guy who I basically was seeing for 3 months? Not really, I didn't feel heartbroken when we stopped, I felt bruised and slightly disappointed but heartbroken? no.. Can't be fair to him also if I just settled just for the sake of having a sig. other.

But I can't deny that.. well... People around you pairing off.. basically meaning they just have someone that they enjoy being with indefinitely. Essentially, as a single person, this shit is hard. Do I lower my already super low standards?

My number one criteria is that they like my company and just enjoy seeking my company, that alone would make me fall for them further... Harder than you think to find. Can't imagine having less a criteria than that. Watched an anime which stated something that struck true.. I just want that contentment whereby you can talk about nothing happily with another person.

On another note, I feel like I'm wearing out my welcome everywhere. Pretty sure everything I do irritates Aunt D. She's just so darn irritable.. possibly cause she's in pain but that rotten mood sure does make me feel like i have to bite back all my responses. She's so totally OCD, and while I can attempt to follow her rules.. she just has so many effing rules, acting so very uncool more than half the time.

I also feel maybe I need to find my own space, maybe I should look into moving out. But I don't want to also.. it would feel lonely.

Is that such a bad thing? to crave some companionship? Isn't it good already that I'm not desperate that I'm craving other people's companionship 24/7? Does J have to make it sound like I'm totally needy just because I'm not living on my own? She doesn't live on her own either! so what's the big deal?

I'm just a brat and all my problems are first world problems. But should I let go of that control? self destruct? Start sleeping around like some people i know because they're lonely? I reckon that's less healthy but in someways.. I feel that might break some unknown barrier that I cannot see.

Sigh... shit happens

Events, fear, graduation parties.

Right. I know that I haven't been writing lately. What with the whirlwind of exams, passing, graduation trips, near death experiences and now packing. Its just been I haven't had a quiet moment where I felt like I wanted to say something.

First off, I did my vivas, passed them.. well.. failed one of them but overall passed. Passed overall the dental degree. Received a prize for my case presentation. And was overall happy. Lots of partying later..by partying I mean FOOD!

I, then went on my graduation trip with 7 other wonderful girls.. who I may add.. we almost died together. What a way to bond isn't it? *sigh* I'm not boasting by saying that I was probably the most capable one on the trip... because I did doubt my capabilities on whether I could survive the trip. But these girls are either crazy brave or did not consider the risks at all. I'm totally impressed and exasperated with them at the same time. Either way, we all bonded really well and there were no actual upsets. I don't regret going on the trip despite almost dying. I don't even regret falling down and scraping my leg badly which went septic. I only regret my stupidity, lack of foresight and the lack of ability to say no sometimes. Either way, the trip is one that's going to stand very clear in my memories. So, thanks girls!

The other thing is packing.. I'm stressing over the packing. My room looks like a bomb hit it. I've been enlightened by Z's dad that my packing skills leave alot to be desired. ARgh.. man.. didn't think it through now did I? My head's still in the clouds. The fact that my box wouldn't even fit through the door was a bit like.. AAAAHHH!! and then.. my box is going to fall apart.. double ARGGHHH fine fine repacking it is..

A bit like I can't wait for my parents to get here and help me pack but at the same time.. I want to be pretty much 60% done before they get here.. My pride is AT STAKE! kay.. back to work, J! but before that... BADMINTON YO! I needs it!

xoxo

Tough..

Life seems so tough at times.

I feel terrible when I see people I care about in pain, knowing I can't do anything about it. It makes me feel so helpless. I wish I could take their pain and hurt on but I don't know whether I'd be strong enough to do so right now. My own emotions and fear cloud my mind and I just want it all to be over. I want the fear to go away and the trials to be over.

I pray that God gives me the strength and the calm to see this episode of my life through and then to see other parts of my life play out.

I feel like my own pathetic inner strength is insufficient and I'm tired of it. Why do I put myself through it.. I question.

Watch over me, please.. watch over my family.. and all whom I care about.

not a cloud in the sky

Its been so so hot lately. Like temperature hot. There's not a cloud in the sky! ridiculous!

I can't live in my room without my fan. I've taken to wearing the ultimate minimum eventhough i'm not comfortable baring all.

On another note, I sent my finals case presentation to print. Omg.. I can't believe i have just over week before all this horror is over. This perpetual cloud hanging over my head. Will i pass? I don't know.. i just know its going to be a horrific 48 hours.

whoosh.. today I'm off to do some tidying of my casts.. and then back home for rest and to see whether I can study again.

I'll post up some pictures next time of all the blue sky we've got. It feels like we transitioned from autumn to summer. So strange. We've not really had spring or winter.

xoxo

sorry for my previous bitterness and a birthday

I was so bitter the last couple weeks that looking over my last couple of posts has me wanting to slap myself several times.

WHY do i feel this way? because I have awakenings whereby my friends do something to make me feel so blessed to have them that.. I feel like a little idiot for thinking bad things previously.

I've had a gorgeous little 24th birthday with several gorgeous presents. They aren't super expensive like the ones i've been forking over money for a while now.. but they are definitely more precious than the money i've paid out previously.

I've been really ill the last two weeks which has messed with my mind and made me feel both very sorry for myself but also gave me the chance to see the benefits and importance of having good friends. I may not be the first thing on their mind but I know that they'll be there if i ever do need them.

I cried so much the last couple of weeks and I cried again when I received a card and some oh.. my.. gosh.. so thoughtful little packages? from JJ while I was ill. Reading the card sent me to tears like 0 to 60 in .5 seconds. Attempting to read the card to my mum to explain to her my wonderful friend JJ made me bawl again. Mum got worried! lol!

W also did her part in nursing me through and I'm very grateful. Same thing to P. Both of them were willing to make food for me while I was sick and took into account the type of food I was able to eat after I took them up on their offer. Very sweet of them. Even though I ranted about how they did get on my nerves earlier on.. I suspect it was because of the stress that was making me highly strung. I feel sorry that I ever thought things like that but hey.. I'm human. Then again, I do think I'm fairly tolerant and getting my irritation out by putting it down on paper.. so to speak makes it easier for me to tolerate stuff like that and not get annoyed by it later on.

Anyway, about my birthday.

Gorgeous weather! first bit of summer weather in ages.

I also had several surprises. First was the midnight jelly surprise! That was sweet and I was actually more pleased that it was jelly and not cake! I was semi surprised because while it did cross my mind that I might have visitors on my birthday.. I wasn't properly expecting it. Probably because I wasn't quite bothered with my birthday this year. Hence, they burst in on me while I was watching "Smash". No one ever comes into my room without knocking! Hence, SURPRISED me!

The other bit was going to town for a little chillax time which was pleasant!

Then coming home.. and getting ready for dinner at Tenji which.. was another little surprise because while I was expecting maybe one or two more people than my house, JJ's hse and K's house... I was NOT expecting that amount of ppl!

Props to W for organising it with P, I'm sure!

Another little surprise! very pleasant indeed because I haven't seen my badminton boys in ages. The fact that they took the time out for me is sweet. It strikes me that while my girls may have a separate church circle, I too, have a separate badminton circle!

Tenji's service, however, leaves much to be desired.

Then again, I wasn't concentrating on the food as, hey, I don't have much of an appetite these days. Not paying made me less obligated to eat till I wanted to puke. I must say that they probably had ALOT of MSG in their food. Cause we all came home parched. I came home parched and wanting to throw those gorgeous wedges across the room though.

So, lots of pleasant company. I did feel that I was a bit awkward and in my defense it just felt like I didn't know how to be good company especially since I haven't been out in ages and seemed like I forgotten how to socialise.

Then, came the presents. Present no.1 was from K and L. Gorgeous little "canggih" cake deco set. I'm sure I'll be playing with it soon enough. I did tease K alot about picking the present but hey.. it's my lot in life to make it appear that I don't expect anything from K or that my opinion of his sentimentality is VERY low! hahaha! <3 it though!

Second present, a little scrapbook that I REALLY didn't think that JJ would take and run with it when I mentioned it. I had a teeny hope but I figured.. the logistics of it would be too difficult and I hoped they wouldn't put themselves through the trouble! But, they did! Have I mentioned yet, that my friends are awesome? Well.. THEY SO ARE! W made it and it had her handiwork all over it. It was gorgeous! I can put my recipes in it too! Love the pictures and msgs.. and I teared a little bit but kept it in. DID not bring makeup to repair damages so no! didn't look at the scrapbook properly to avoid disaster! I know I disappointed the gang but I'm not terribly good with public displays. I LOVE it! I came home.. and looked though it properly and tears.. just tears. There's not that many messages but they were heartfelt and thinking about the time it took to put it together... its really miraculous! super human effort!

Then, 3rd present of my maxi beach dress that I was going to wait till the summer to buy! OMG.. my girls JJ, C  got it for me! I don't know whether S, CT and SY were in on it but what the hey! they are all awesome. Yay! I have no idea when they bought it!

Then came the cake. I sorta expected it but you know that feeling when you expect it but tell yourself NOT to expect it cause they'll probably get you a cake from a supermarket and honestly, that's prolly sweet enough. But they got a lovely cake from breadpoint which I'm happy with because I know everyone else would be. They did try to smush my face into the cake which btw.. NOT a tradition I'm fond of! However, I clever, lol! cause the one that tried to do it was my hsemate JN, who I've probably put the fear of JAMIE into him cause he didn't dare! hee hee! anyway still got some cream in my hair and face but altogether not awful.

Had to give a speech.. which I do dislike doing but they've all been so sweet.. had to try didn't I?

Finally, I limped home with the help of SY. Got home and another surprise from Z. My last present was an awesome awesome book. Something I on my wishlist but would probably never buy for myself. I'm still wondering HOW Z thought of such a perfect gift. Squealing commenced and I declared my love for Z. The card that accompanied it was so sweet and so was the inscription. LOVE LOVE LOVE!

I've had the most presents that were all so thoughtful today, lots of lovely surprises and lots of signs of effort indicating how much my friends think about me. Ah.. just thinking about it makes me teary again.  It was seriously.. one of the best birthdays ever and seems to feel that its quite befitting of me and who I am at the moment. Thinking back.. one of the other memorable birthdays was my 15th birthday surprised organised by my wonderful BFF and my 22nd birthday which was quiet but I really enjoyed it. I suppose while I'm envious of all the effort and maddening surprises that goes into other people's birthdays.. I'm more than content and happy to feel blessed from the quieter birthday celebrations which appears to be more of my style.

I know they may never see this... but I hope they all know that I say THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart and that my 24th birthday has been really awesome because of them, the people, and not the presents. Oh.. who am I kidding? some of it was the presents.. cause.. hey, presents come from the people right?

xoxo

Tired of coughing

I'm so tired of coughing and the aches.. I've not been this sick in 5 years.. my body hurts.. my throat is raw.. i'm coughing till i throw up in my mouth.. SO tired..

God please give me strength and the calm I'll need to get through this period in time. I know that I'm given trials and that it is in Your plan but please my ribs hurt.. my throat hurts.. my neck and back hurts.. even my head hurts. Save me. I plead for Your Light to shine upon me and those I love and care about and give both them and me, strength to push through all that stand in the way.

In the Mighty Lord's Name I pray,

Amen..

can't think..of a title.. haha

I'm sitting here in front of my laptop.. I've got exams in like i don't know 11 days? Finals.. the most important exams of my life. The exams that will push me over the border of semi-adulthood into adulthood where I'll have to have a job and make my own damn money. How scary is that thought? That your safety nets are slowly going to be pulled out from under you.

I've also been in the library for the last omg.. like 3 weeks plus? spending like 8 hours in school studying almost everyday.

Will I be able to pass with this? I feel like I should be able to but when I look at the past year papers that I have.. omg.. terrified.. could not answer them without an open book test. I think I need to take it one at a time cause I have my CDH presentation on Friday. At least if i complete that.. then that's one thing down. and there are 8 more surprises that need to be completed. Do I feel competent? I think I'm semi-competent but yea I'm still worried. I'm going to be held accountable for everything I do from post-exam onwards. AHHHH!

I've also found that, I get irritated so easily right now.. I mean these people that I'm surrounded with are so clever.. so good at retaining information. I don't think I'll ever encourage my kids to do dentistry or medicine unless they were thoroughly interested in it. I always half think it was a mistake to do dentistry but then again I can't imagine myself doing anything else but baking/cooking. Unfortunately, I can't see doing the latter as anything but a hobby.

It's also sad that i feel so darn alone, so out of the loop.

Anyway, maybe its a sign of maturity that I'm headed to the library to do some studying. I mean I don't know what to study anymore though.... which is probably why I'm reading the past year papers.. I've never been good at assimilating information and using that to apply to questions. I need examples first to follow.

I can't wait till this friday is over. Then, that's one thing done. I'm also repeating myself.

My heart feels so heavy, my body feels heavy, I feel unhealthy. Especially with my crap eating habits.

I know I should be optimistic then my luck will change.

The other thing is that... I can't believe that he didn't wait for me. like he always just leave... I WAITED that's why I was late.. how was I to know he wasn't there?

Maybe I just want people to be more considerate of me sometimes. Yea.. I'm just going to stop caring.. AGH.. I don't know.. I just don't know what I want to say anymore.. I think I'm just typing this out because I feel like this nervous energy needs to go somewhere..

Anyway, tomorrow will be another new day.. chances for positivity..

xoxo