betrayals.

Perhaps that's too harsh a word to describe it.

But my issue is when people remark on your character disparaging it when you know that you've hardly done anything to warrant such a remark. It doesn't bother me when it's someone you don't think knows you well. It bothers me something awful when it is someone who should be close to me enough to know my character. Both times that it has happened in the span of this month.. it makes me both boiling mad and disappointed with the stab of betrayal. Its hard to forget shit like that.

As described eloquently by my good friend... it bothers you more because everyone has a certain confidence of how they portray themselves.. and when someone questions it especially if its someone close.. it makes you question and doubt yourself and it hurts deep. The second guessing drives me crazy. I don't give much of a damn if its you damaging your character.. it may be fun to analyse why you do it the way you do.. *hey i never said i was angelic*

IT f*cking pisses me off when you say something about me that is balantly untrue. Especially since there are incidents that have proven that I am not what you've accused me of. It makes me question whether you really know me at all and that's what makes my blood pressure boil.. it questions and makes me doubt my judgement.

Also.. would it kill you to give me the face when I talk to you? Don't be interested only when I've got some gossip! It makes me feel cheap that the only way you're interested in what I've got to say is if its something bad about other people. I mean i can understand if your attention wanders.. but not to completely cut me off and turn your complete attention to something you think is more interesting. I try to give you my full attention when you talk.. would it kill you to show me the same respect? Do it on the phone and i understand.. but when i'm holding eye contact with you and you completely cut me off.. that's just bad manners! like wtf.. Maybe I've judged you wrong all these years.. the same as how you've judged me when you tarred my character.

Whatever... I'm just so angry these days.. i wonder whether its the hormones..

I just feel so grey..

sometimes

Sometimes... I just want someone there to watch out for me. To pick me up when I'm down without me asking. I'm jealous of the people who have that kind of person.

*sigh* my girlfriends are too busy, I'm too reclusive. I can't seem to make myself make the effort anymore. Its just too tiring. That's a word that's in my vocab everyday. "Tired"

Boyfriend? hah.. don't even think about it. It's not the right time or place. And I don't think i can handle an emotional rollercoaster. I don't think i'm emotionally mature enough for it.

I have the feeling that people don't have a bf/gf because they aren't actually ready for one. If you think about it primitively, I reckon when you are ready for one, you send out vibes/pheromones? that will attract guys/girls to you.

So yea, I'm just not ready. But i do want just friends to pick me up when i'm down, to play with me, to support me and for me to do the same to them. I think that's why i'm so interested in kids sometimes. It's like someone who will care for you unconditionally and you have responsibility for. It's that emotional relationship. I envy that. gah.. I'm sick of the phrase that i keep hearing all the time.. you'll be a great mother. That doesn't even matter or apply. There is no mother without a father. And I can't see myself feasibly having a significant other in the next 10 years if ever.

I need a life.. or something to be "passionate" about to get me out of this rut. I'm tired of alot of things. Sometimes I just don't want to be "me". sometimes.. just sometimes...

confrontations make me lose my appetite.

F*ck this shite.. like seriously. If they thought they were so great and negotiation.. then bloody hell, negotiate properly.

The hell.. saying I'm SELFISH??? tell.. me.. how the F*ck am i selfish? accommodating? LIKE I haven't been accommodating to you? and you?

good lord.. guys and their damn egos. not that girls are any better.. but seriously.

omg.. you are so damn selfish.. Just because I had a soft spot for you does not mean you exploit it. I know that you're some kind of smooth talking salesman.. but i reckon in your damn head you believe whatever the hell you say. You really think that you're a fantastic person? f*ck that.

How f*cking dare you.. I'm selfish? Did I ambush you as you were coming in the door?

Have I ever made decisions without telling you. Have I not always talked shite over and over and over?

I resent that you think that I'm that way. I resent it completely.

I resent that you never offered and only when called on it WOULD offer like it was always on your mind. Hence, making me who called you on it feel guilty. I completely resent it!

I completely resent how you make me DOUBT who I am and push me into a corner. How can you think I won't get defensive? I called you out on one thing.. and you're totally defensive over it. screw you and your stupid high-handed morals. B*st*rd