Woah...

I've been pretty moody the last couple of days. I was moody last night for all the reasons stated in prev posts as well.. but.. omg.. I was up till 7 am this morning. I only slept at 7am. and then i woke up at 11.30. Why was I up? I was talking to a new friend on the couch and lost track of time. I haven't had that much rapport with anyone in a long time. Granted, I had quite a number of drinks which loosened our tongues and was pretty relaxed. But what I'm hyper aware of right now was that i was on the couch with the guy and he had his arm around me and hugged me a couple of times. I dunno. I'm hypersensitive that haha it did feel nice to be with someone in a comfy cuddly position. But talking about feelings wise? hahaha i dunno i think i was comfy cause he felt like an older brother or something cause c'mon the dude has a gf of more than 5-6 years and he's older than me by 6 years. Hahaha.. imma a kid. I will never get into something like that even if i did have feelings for the guy. It's not within my moral principles. All that's made me feel was that I'm even more longing for someone to soba ni iru yo.. On a nice note, that incident brought me out of my funk... so thanks. =D

*sigh* Lol i'm pretty shy without the alcohol.

All I can say.. is *grins* that it was an experience. I'm now more aware and should be watching the number of drinks now. God.. i'm so tired now.. I bought my dance shoes finally and it cost me 60 quid. I don't know why I keep spending money. aghhh..

Tried a new place for lunch today. it's called "nudo" as in noodle house but what the heck? nudo? i was thinking nude.. plus the place inside is pretty posh-ish.. the food isn't that fantastic tho. It's edible but not super. I shared one bowl with P cause I doubt I could finish a whole one since i did have like a bowl of cereal 2 hours before. I bought stuff in prep for kimbap and other things i'd like to attempt to make i.e. chicken rice and pai kut fan.

K... over and out! =D

Goo jun pyo!

I haven't posted since last week. T was here then so I didn't really have time to post anything. The last couple of days I've just been feeling really tired. The stupid headphone site has ripped me off.. I'm demanding a refund. I hope that I'll be compensated. *sigh* scammers.

P has been getting on my nerves the last couple of days. I think the reason I want to keep this site kinda private is because I want to complain and vent my frustrations here without a real audience. It doesn't mean that I like the people I complain about any less.. it just means that they are irritating me and to prevent their "delicate"sensibilities from being stomped on.. I have to shut up and vent elsewhere. But coming back to the irritation at hand.

I've promised to go travelling with P but I partly regret my decision because the deciding process is damn annoying. She also pretty much guilted me into going. P is pretty spoilt so can't put up with certain things. Sharing a bathroom with strangers cannot. But want the cheapest. wth? Tickets to london return for about 30 pounds is damn cheap yah! but no must be below 20 pounds. OMG! wtf? from NCL okay! but wants to stay in a hotel! cheap hotel? uhh.. in LONDON? with ensuite bathroom? If you're so concerned about money then SUCK IT UP! sheesh. so have to compromise.. stay further away but travelling will be expensive. but no its okay for them cause they will be buying day passes so they will be hopping on and off the damn tube. Erm.. that's fine for you but what about me? I'm using an oyster. being lazy like that means i'll be spending a ton! sheesh. She's usually quite concerned about her own comfort but when it comes to concerning others.. she's not that nice. I mean she'll pretend to give in but you can obviously see she's upset and hence will guilt you and have a black face the whole time. Really.. it annoys me when she's like that. I wonder whether its the having a significant other thing. She's usually not that annoying unless she's serious with a guy. maybe cause she expects the guy to make sure he's on her side to make sure that she gets want she wants. Or she's getting used to whining and getting what she wants. Manja/guilt to him honey... not to me! * sigh* I keep feeling like I have to bite my tongue and now that's making me short tempered around her. Especially, since she ignores me most of the time and is with him all the time. Whatever, please don't find me if got problems. Frustrating to say.. but I know I'll still be there for her even if she irritates the hell out of me. I'm such a pushover. I want to watch a musical maybe I'll just go on my own. She's not that interested and I feel like i'm forcing her to go. Ah screw it.. I think i'll mention to her that maybe it's better I just go musical on my own and she can go dating with him.

I miss having single friends. I mean wth? why is everyone getting attached...

Maybe i'll ask C to come but I think she has to go church.

On a brighter note, I've been following the korean drama series version of hana yori dango. The boys are adorable! I still like that character... goo jun pyo more than ji hoo. *grins * and this time I can stomach his appearance cause i think he's goooood looking. Jerry Yan was NOT! even the jap one was not good looking but I loved his character the interpretation of it. I think this drama series rarely gets old. Haha! I'm just an incurable romantic I suppose.

Right now I have 3 lab reports to get done and I haven't really started.. ugh.. as well as a nutrition and diet project. so irritating.

The weather as also been gloomy and cold. *sigh again*

Oh yea, I learnt the fox trot yesterday. It was DIFFICULT! and I suck at it. But if I ever get it.. it would be so awesome!!! On that subject, I met 3 new malaysians at foundation level. It was so strange... dunno why.

Badminton tooooonighhttt!! woo hoo! I really look forward to these badminton things. =D I hope that I'm improving.

I really should be going to the gym but I don't have the drive to. I really suck in that aspect. No will power. haha! I'm distracted by the continuous marathon watching of "house" that I've been doing. Such an incredible series. I love it cause it's addictive.

Over and Out!

Gong Xi Fa Cai!

I'm tight on time right now. I'm in between of classes. But I was just thinking that I haven't posted in days. Reason for that? T was here for the weekend! It was nice having the company. It felt too short cause I feel extra apologetic that I didn't get to "pei" her for one of the 2 full days she was here.

Other than that, I just wanted to say

GONG XI FA CAI

I'll post more later when I get a bit of time to myself. Lord, I'm exhausted!

Cheers!

I'm gonna be a bad girl.. a bad bad girl!

I have no intentions of doing any exercise today.. I feel so guilty. But I'm tired and I don't have to drive for it. And I ate more today. so bad...

Tomorrow T is coming! Yay! I feel bad that I'll have to ditch T on friday cause I'll be having classes solid from 9-5. =(

I keep intending to give P the cold shoulder cause it seems like P isn't bothered that she doesn't see me much. Oh well.. comes with the territory of a new beau. And I can't muster up the energy to be all cold shoulder-y(?) Haha

Hrm... I want my head phoooooones... when are they gonna coooooome???

I've been following "Boys Before Flowers" the new korean ver. of hana yori dango. I swear this show is a classic. And no matter how many times it is made it will pull in a number of fans. It has had a chinese and a jap ver made and the jap one just tops it all. I'm right now measuring up the korean one. So far the korean one has hot guys. So I'm happy. It is the only one where you didn't have to start liking the guy cause of his character. These guys are simply good looking right off the bat. Acting wise.. not too sure yet. The jap one was the best at that.

I've also been watching s'porean dramas that P lent me. I think it's cause I'm bored and have nothing to do. Well... I'm procrastinating.. what more can I say.

I feel a need for chocolate... mmm choco choco choco...

Just another boring day

I went to the gym again! Play badminton first with C and JJ cause class let out early. I couldn't do much gym today though. Having tummy pains. Feeling extra tired so I went to nap which I never do for abt 3 hours. I hope I can sleep tonight as well. *grins* maybe all the sleep will make my skin look nicer. Da Botox sleeping effect! Haha!

I'm a little more cheerful today. Perhaps that bad spell was just due to hormones. Omg.. we have cable now. It's so strange watching tv after so long. Whose line is it anyway was on. The show is still funny and it cracked me up.

S was here today..again. After finding out that S had a sig other. I've stopped thinking about any potential. Now.. looking at S as just a friend. Hmm.. I have the worse luck. Oh well.. Life goes on.

Tomorrow I have a tough morning. Dr. B for two lectures.. oh dear... and then a quiz which I doubt I'm gonna study for cause it's not graded.

I'm kinda sleepy again.

Oh I had a proper breakfast and lunch today. Geh.. I hope it doesn't make me gain weight though. I'm contemplating whether to have a proper dinner cause of the tummy pains which cause me to not really have any hunger twinges.

OH yea... We had the oral presentation today. It kinda was.. hmm.. no words can describe it. We kinda just shoved people to the front to speak. You could obviously see that we weren't prepared. Part of the reason was because of that girl, MZ! Geez. I mean I was defending her last year cause I thought our group was just being unreasonable but for this incident. I'm pretty irritated with her. She didn't do ANYTHING for the presentation . Yes, yes I know that it wasn't formally marked. But at least she should have turned up for the presenting part. Because she didn't come the slides that she was supposed to present threw us off guard. The worst bit about it was, JJ and I told her that we were meeting up and to meet up after the lecture. But she was no where to be seen! Then, today she didn't show up for the presenting bit and she didn't even TELL US she wasn't coming. Oooh.. boiling mad.

Okay. Other than that. That's pretty much it. I'm glad I don't really have to be eloquent in this blog. Cause its for my eyes only! *grins * the privacy is pretty good!

Today

Hmm.. C and JJ came out with me today to have lunch and do a little bit of shopping. I think they knew I was down yesterday and were trying to cheer me up. They're so good. I wish I were such a nice person. I bought an alarm clock..cheapo one.. to replace the one that I STILL CANNOT FIND! argh! My room is so small! Why can't I find the darn thing? so irritating.

Everyone in the house is still in exam mode. At least by tomorrow one of them will be relieved .. then the next day one more. I can't wait till T comes this thursday. It'll be great to have someone come visit me finally.

Tomorrow I have an presentation. I'm the first speaker and I'm also the one that freaking made the whole presentation. so nyeh.. I've done my part. Oh well I hate researching. At least I didn't have to do that. This friday I have lab. *sigh* I won't be able to spend time with T that day. Friday is always so busy busy.

I'm thinking of buying a heater. Should I? hrm.. we'll see how cold my room gets. It seems like the heating a little bit more on now so it should suffice.

I'm kinda dieting? I dunno I am eating less and I've been to the gym more. I'm not losing any weight tho. *sigh* it kinda sucks and is depressing. I'm dying for biscuits and ice-cream. Why oh why do all the best & yummy things in the world have to be bad for you. It's not fair I tell you!

Okay! I'm off to try and get Russel Peters off my housemate! * excited* bye bye

Lost sensations

The gym was closed.. I forgot.. that it closes early on weekends.

I feel like today that I've lost my appetite. I've only had a bowl of veggies.. and one tiny yoghurt drink. I've felt once in a while a bit of hunger.. but nothing that I can't suppress.. Even the veggies felt like I had to force myself to eat them.. It was like my tongue was numb. I couldn't taste the natural flavours of it like I usually can. I could only taste the salt that I sprinkled on it and the heat from the black pepper. Am I losing my sense of taste? All I feel like doing is staring at nothing.. and crying. The hours feel long yet short at the same time. I don't actually want to cry but I feel like that is only thing my body is capable of doing.

Am I really slipping into depression? I've always said before that I go into bouts of depression but.. this is the first time I've felt it so strongly.. and not over anything big. I'm kinda worried. Maybe I should cry.. just do one long and purging crying session instead of suppressing it.

It's the first time I've posted so much. 4th post and counting in less than 2 days. Is it normal to feel like this? I can't even fake a smile. When I talk to people I feel like plastic.. trying to stop feeling teary. What the hell is going on?

Someone...Anyone.. please help pull me out of this depression..

Sunday..

I woke up.. found out that my plans to go out has fallen through again. F has "put aeroplane" on me again. Worse is I've involved JJ. Made plans to go out with JJ earlier but changed it cause of F. Then JJ couldn't make it when I asked whether it was okay to go back to the original plans.

This is probably the 5/6 time that F has done this. I don't know.. P says that F isn't a real friend. Sometimes I do think that.. but other times.. I remember how much F and I fought to make our friendship the way it is.. It is relatively stable. Maybe I'm kidding myself. But I've taken measures though. I used to think I had to invest so much time into our friendship. But now I just can't be bothered.. I don't have the energy. I'm not actually angry. I guess I feel numb to it now. I suppose F had a reason this time. Health reason. Oh well... Life hasn't been very great to me late in terms of socially.

I can't wait till my earphones arrive. I think I'll go to the gym today. I'm kinda worried. I've been doing more exercise lately but my weight isn't dropping. I've been cutting down on my food intake as well. It seems like I'm gaining weight or staying the same. My metabolism seems to be slowing down even further. Ever since that scare about having hypothyroidism in the summer.. part of me has had mixed reactions to it. One part feels like it would like to have the condition so that I'd have something to blame my enormous weight. The other is scared that I actually have it... and it's manifesting itself even though evidence claimed that I didn't have it.. well not yet.. I mean I would have to take medicine for life if that were the case. But really.. why am I like this? I can't love myself entirely cause I abhor my weakness.. the weak will and the grotesque weight I hold. If I can't love myself.. I'm not fit to have anyone else love me right? So depressing..

There has to be something wrong with me.. I can't seem to get through this barrier that has come back to haunt me time and time again. Why am I so flawed.. I feel really emo today.. I hate myself for it. Why couldn't I be stronger... why couldn't I be more content with who I am. Sometimes I feel happy with who I am. What is this evil thing inside me that keeps questioning my worth.

Forget it lah.. Perhaps.. I'm just unlikeable inside.. which is why it translates to the outside.

I sorted out my notes for uni... finally. The other thing I have to do is at least start sorting out my account again. I haven't done it for a month. Money has been flying out of my account at an alarming rate. I haven't been able to save money.. like I did last year. It's quite sad. And here I am still thinking of what else I have to buy. *sigh* It's an illness..

P has been studying hard and hanging out with T all the time. Strangely enough... I miss P's presence. But I guess I should have been more prepared for this. P is the type of person that when falls for a person would spend all the time with that person.. not purposely forgetting other people. I want to bear a grudge but I can't. I can't say I'm not disappointed though.. because I'd be lying.

F is with J as well. I don't know. I wish people would stop going away from me. Like as if I'm something to be enjoyed when they don't have a significant other. I can only say.. I hope I'm not going to be like that if I ever..*slim chance* ever get a significant other. But then again by that time I probably won't have friends anymore and will cling to the sig. other for companionship.

T is with L. They're joined at the hip. I like L though.. in a purely friendship way so I don't mind them. It's envious though.

God.. I'm probably the only one alone. I've been alone for the 20 years of my life. I'm guessing the pattern will continue for another 20 years.

Stress from school has really been getting to me. I don't actually do anything though. It's just.. so frustrating. Something my friend said struck me. "I wish for one day.. I would just not exist. Don't want to die.. just not exist for a day so that I won't feel any emotion."

I think it must be that time of the month. Perhaps that is why I'm so emo. I hope that's the reason.

I don't know what else to say so I'm signing off here.

To "Him"

I miss you eventhough I know not who you are.

I want to know everything about you... eventhough I know not who you are.

I hope to love you with everything in me...eventhough I know not who you are.

I wish with all my might that you may see me past all my insecurities and barriers and love me

I wish you were here beside me to hold and protect me.

But most of all... I wish to meet you so we can start our journey together.

Wherever you are... I hope you will be happy and healthy.

If we don't meet in this lifetime.. I will wait for you in the next..

I love you.. whoever you are...

Testing.. and Official first post

Welcome to Messy Simplicity. Officially opening on the 17th of January 2009! Woooo!

I've decided to open a proper online journal. One that I can really write what I think and such without complete censorship. I'm probably not going to be updating much but I'd really like a place where I can just blog about what has upset me that day or what has made me happy. Inane things like that. I've shared a blog with other people for years and it seems like they are all just drifting away.. leaving the blog less and less updated to the point where it is pretty much abandoned. I'm not saying that I'm not guilty of this myself.

Why Messy Simplicity? Cause Organised Mess was taken. Hahaha. Messy for my random thought process and Simplicity just to be contrary, to reflect my conflicting sides.

I cried alot today. Watching dramas for one thing.. and another just letting out the stress that has been building up. I feel apologetic for letting out at my mum. But she was being awesome even though I didn't appreciate it at that point in time. She didn't mind and she welcomed me to do so.

Gosh.. I'm becoming a veritable leaky tap. Perhaps, it's age.

Something else has been bothering me. The fact that everyone around me has been popping up all couple like. It's like a field blossoming into daises or something. I am happy for them but obviously I'm not a saint. I'm going to be envious and sometimes it is a little irritating. It also makes me think.. well maybe I should start preparing to be a spinster. Obviously, I'm not easily to be liked/loved. Or it could be my complex with men. I find men to be lacking. But the ones that aren't.. are usually attached or gay. *sigh* I do try to be happy for all the happy couples around me. I wish them the best of luck. I'll just have to stay away from them unless it's only for a short period that I have to endure the sickly lovey dovey gestures and looks. I'm going to puke..

Haha! I sound a little bit man-hating. Oh well! I am not really... I think I'm an incurable romantic. I build up a really tough exterior... protective mechanism really. And perhaps I'm worried I'm fragile inside. It hasn't really been tested so I don't really know.. Geh! this post is becoming way too self reflecting. I meant for it to be short. I guess I didn't realise how many things I've kept in my head. I miss writing. Other than for that epic piece of fiction I wrote so long ago.. I haven't written anything. I suppose this blog will be my next endeavour.

That's it! Sayonara!