betrayals.

Perhaps that's too harsh a word to describe it.

But my issue is when people remark on your character disparaging it when you know that you've hardly done anything to warrant such a remark. It doesn't bother me when it's someone you don't think knows you well. It bothers me something awful when it is someone who should be close to me enough to know my character. Both times that it has happened in the span of this month.. it makes me both boiling mad and disappointed with the stab of betrayal. Its hard to forget shit like that.

As described eloquently by my good friend... it bothers you more because everyone has a certain confidence of how they portray themselves.. and when someone questions it especially if its someone close.. it makes you question and doubt yourself and it hurts deep. The second guessing drives me crazy. I don't give much of a damn if its you damaging your character.. it may be fun to analyse why you do it the way you do.. *hey i never said i was angelic*

IT f*cking pisses me off when you say something about me that is balantly untrue. Especially since there are incidents that have proven that I am not what you've accused me of. It makes me question whether you really know me at all and that's what makes my blood pressure boil.. it questions and makes me doubt my judgement.

Also.. would it kill you to give me the face when I talk to you? Don't be interested only when I've got some gossip! It makes me feel cheap that the only way you're interested in what I've got to say is if its something bad about other people. I mean i can understand if your attention wanders.. but not to completely cut me off and turn your complete attention to something you think is more interesting. I try to give you my full attention when you talk.. would it kill you to show me the same respect? Do it on the phone and i understand.. but when i'm holding eye contact with you and you completely cut me off.. that's just bad manners! like wtf.. Maybe I've judged you wrong all these years.. the same as how you've judged me when you tarred my character.

Whatever... I'm just so angry these days.. i wonder whether its the hormones..

I just feel so grey..

sometimes

Sometimes... I just want someone there to watch out for me. To pick me up when I'm down without me asking. I'm jealous of the people who have that kind of person.

*sigh* my girlfriends are too busy, I'm too reclusive. I can't seem to make myself make the effort anymore. Its just too tiring. That's a word that's in my vocab everyday. "Tired"

Boyfriend? hah.. don't even think about it. It's not the right time or place. And I don't think i can handle an emotional rollercoaster. I don't think i'm emotionally mature enough for it.

I have the feeling that people don't have a bf/gf because they aren't actually ready for one. If you think about it primitively, I reckon when you are ready for one, you send out vibes/pheromones? that will attract guys/girls to you.

So yea, I'm just not ready. But i do want just friends to pick me up when i'm down, to play with me, to support me and for me to do the same to them. I think that's why i'm so interested in kids sometimes. It's like someone who will care for you unconditionally and you have responsibility for. It's that emotional relationship. I envy that. gah.. I'm sick of the phrase that i keep hearing all the time.. you'll be a great mother. That doesn't even matter or apply. There is no mother without a father. And I can't see myself feasibly having a significant other in the next 10 years if ever.

I need a life.. or something to be "passionate" about to get me out of this rut. I'm tired of alot of things. Sometimes I just don't want to be "me". sometimes.. just sometimes...

confrontations make me lose my appetite.

F*ck this shite.. like seriously. If they thought they were so great and negotiation.. then bloody hell, negotiate properly.

The hell.. saying I'm SELFISH??? tell.. me.. how the F*ck am i selfish? accommodating? LIKE I haven't been accommodating to you? and you?

good lord.. guys and their damn egos. not that girls are any better.. but seriously.

omg.. you are so damn selfish.. Just because I had a soft spot for you does not mean you exploit it. I know that you're some kind of smooth talking salesman.. but i reckon in your damn head you believe whatever the hell you say. You really think that you're a fantastic person? f*ck that.

How f*cking dare you.. I'm selfish? Did I ambush you as you were coming in the door?

Have I ever made decisions without telling you. Have I not always talked shite over and over and over?

I resent that you think that I'm that way. I resent it completely.

I resent that you never offered and only when called on it WOULD offer like it was always on your mind. Hence, making me who called you on it feel guilty. I completely resent it!

I completely resent how you make me DOUBT who I am and push me into a corner. How can you think I won't get defensive? I called you out on one thing.. and you're totally defensive over it. screw you and your stupid high-handed morals. B*st*rd

and then..

and then.. I cry...

i've tried.. and tried to look on the bright side of things but I reckon as the year is coming to an end there will be a moment when the cracks appear..

Do i not deserve a reward for keeping on going forward?

I'm just feeling a little sorry for myself at the moment and only remembering the bad moments that have happened this year..

I suppose tomorrow i'll wake with a better mindset and be back to looking on the bright side of things but for tonight i just want to be depressed. If my tummy was feeling alright.. i might be having a drink or two.. or three.. anything to dull this depression..

I mean.. i'm pessimistic but when the worst does happen i have an odd habit of looking on the bright side of things.

but for right now.. i'd like to cry about all the bad stuff that has happened..

just want something nicer to happen..

An end to a beginning

I got my results today!
and dugoon dugoon dugoon! I passed!

When I thought about the last 3 years.. it felt like it didn't really happen for a split second. And from a high school student, I'm now suddenly a 4th year. From a "fresh" 19 year old to a 22 year old in the 4th year. Only 2 more years to go if all goes well " knock on wood" before I actually graduate. With everyone graduating this year it felt like it went by way too fast. I couldn't cry.. I couldn't feel emotional because it just feels like I'll be seeing them again. THe last 3 years felt both like a the longest 3 years of my life and the quickest.

According the freshly graduated 5th years, the next two years will go by so quickly we won't even have realised that it happened.

I just felt like I had to get my thoughts into words for some reason.

Everything feels a little out of place. I haven't found "someone" yet and yet I'm entering one of the toughest 2 years of my life. I'm scared and yet I'm exhilarated that another year's gone and I'm free to be chilled again.

THis year had alot of downs.. and a few ups. Getting injured was probably the most shocking. I still feel like i haven't had closure on that and yet the end of that chapter of my life closed so anticlimatically like a badly written story.

I still am probably in a little bit of shock that I'm actually going to the next year.

A new beginning and hopefully with new resolutions, more experiences, more enrichment and more memories with the people close to my heart even if they don't know it =)

I feel that this year taught me alot of life's experiences. Taught me that my friends are real friends. Taught me to appreciate my parents fully and taught me that houses can be brilliant to live in if you have the right mix of people in it.

I'm anticipating the new year with hopefully an open mind and hope that things will turn out better than it had this year.

<3 you guys C <3<3,JW,JL,JJ.

mum left

my mum just left. when she was leaving strangely enough my chest felt tight and i wanted to tell her not go.. *shrugs* eventhough I've been thinking that it's seriously time for her to go cause.. yea my room is small.

but i did have a slight panic attack in my mind wanting her not to go.. I'm a little scared that i won't be able to cope. In fact I'm just plain terrified but I know I'll survive somehow.. but the apprehension doesn't go away even though rationally you know. Sometimes i feel like i have two minds battling for the dominant thought in my head. sounds weird i know. but whatever.

oh well.. i'm a little emo but i need to buck up and get to studying again. maybe i'll mope for an hour first.

should be doing other things

Waking up in the morning is a chore when you're in a state of crappy moodiness really. In any case, I skipped the useless lecture i had this morning and went for brunch with my mum. Lo and behold... it was shut and would only open at 12. SO! we went browsing in a nearby chinese grocery store till it opened and had ngau lam min! =D nyam.. and bought local chinese buns and egg tarts.

I honestly should be concentrating very hard right now. My exams are in exactly a week's time. *sigh* I'm stressed up to my eyeballs but somehow in the whole grand scheme of things.. I can't seem to motivate myself. Mentally knowing.. emotionally unwilling and physically confused by the two other aspects. Guess we know which aspect of my psyche is winning.

People keep saying that it was really brave of me during my accident and such. But to be honest.. it was hard to feel anything rather than cry and freak out. I mean I was freaking out but it was better for me not to make a massive hoo-ha about it cause people were already freaked out by it even without me freaking out so instead... i purposely made it a grand joke.. enjoyable for my sadistic side and for the grand masses.

Have I expressed myself emotionally since then? Well.. even during the high of the first couple of weeks... I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. For the tears and depression to come. I knew it would and it has.. albeit a bit slower and lagging that one would have imagined. I don't know.. I'd rather people not have known about it. If my mum wasn't here... heck no one would have really known. But if i were totally alone.. I might not have held back and just bawled every day. Not healthy I know. Life is hard.. how hard? don't know yet. My brilliant mum has been taking care of me. I get snappish easily.. and even tho i feel bad about being snappish its hard to bite my tongue sometimes. I just hope she understands.

Right.. other than getting emo about this...

I WON the grand prize for lucky draw of mnite! hehe! first time in my entire life which shows my luck is not to be envied. I have a feeling that the "powers that be" felt they've kicked me around a bit too much and decided to give me a break. So thanks! yay money for shopping.

kay.., that's about it.. i think i've procrastinated a bit too long. cheers y'all