breakdowns... the first of many

I had a bit of a rough week.

I was beyond stressed.. and in retrospect.. i should be stressed but not to the point of a breakdown.

I've had two. Its probably because I had family near by.. and if people ask me about what is causing my distress.. that's the trigger point. I reckon if I wasn't asked.. i'd be okay eventually.

What worries me is that I've broken down so early on.. the road is a couple of months long and it predicts even more breakdowns.

I pray for strength and calm.

I've got the second mock. My first ever viva on Tuesday. I'm terrified... I just hope the fear won't stop me from performing adequately.

Wish me luck!

I also feel sorry for the rest of my patients who've had to go through difficulty recently. I pray for their peace as well.

 Just a little something to brighten everyone's day.

xoxo

and so.. it begins..

i cry.. and i cry and i cry..

teeth hurt, jaw hurts..

acid builds up

never restful, never at peace

fear cripples

and then the cycle moves on

escalates..

and i cry and cry and cry..

let down

I feel quite disappointed in my friends really. But its not entirely their fault. I should have been more pro-active... no one else takes the initiative to plan a trip.. WHY do I have to be the one? I don't mind doing it jointly but I dislike having to do the whole planning on my own because I have other things to do as well okay.

But crossing fingers I'll still be able to go.. =) I'm going with a not-so-close friend. Sometimes I think that this is better cause you won't be so invested if anything goes wrong between the two of you and on the plus side, you'll get to know someone else better!

NEW YORK AND FLORIDA BABY!!

anyway.... watched devil wears prada with W tonight. Was nice to kick back and relax.

I'm also stressed out by the whole finals thing.. these next 6 months are going to test my nerves.. so badly.. i just can't wait for them to be over..

god... please help me.. give me strength and calm to see these next 6 months of turbulence through.

Other than that.. nothing very interesting.

W made yummy, refreshing watercress and pork soup. I'm terribly proud of her, she's getting better at cooking and lol I hope we'll be in friends in future as well so that i can see her growth.

Well, goodnight! Its another week.. let's take it a step at a time.

xoxo

Oh crappy dull gloomy dayy...

The wind is roaring outside my window, rattling my window and roof shingles. Probably wailing its dissatisfaction with the whole weather. 

I really really wanted to study today but didn't have the energy or the willpower to do so. 

I ended up reading manga and chatting with the cousin T. She's always like this. When she's bored and found me, she won't let me go in spite of ME telling her I need sustenance. Lol! but if i'm bored and want company, she's busy and brushes me off! tsk! There needs to be a bit more balance in our relationship.

There was also something i'm incredibly disgusted at. Some people's attitudes and I'm ashamed to call them one of my family. There's a serious lack of consideration and an incredible amount of self-absorption that's incredulous. Treating my baby sister like that is a nono. It's also quite simply gross in general. I don't know how you live with yourself. 

Anyway, other than that, chatted with the baby sister today and was also annoyed that she herself didn't know how to just buy a stupid ticket back home rather than subject herself to the stupidity. Its so frustrating. 

Hmm... what else? chatted with C today =). apparently she's bought a pretty lace dress. I wanna see it!

OH YEA! my DP purchases came in the post today. Happily, the two pairs of jeans I bought fit and are comfy. me likey! I bought two floral dresses too! =O GIRLY ALERT! The most girly things I own at present. Usually, my style is fairly classic, with a bit of slight sexy? edge. Well, must take advantage of assets right? Never owned such girly items. Hope I can pull them off. 

>.<

xoxo

Birthdays, Christmas and year ends

Its almost the end of 2011 and the beginning of 2012. A year that's special to me as the marks the 2nd dozen of years i've been on this earth. The dragon year =) as well as being the year that I.. oh yes.. I, little unspecial Jamie may finally graduate and join the rest of my peers as an adult. I'm trying to prepare myself for the fact that IF i do fail.. all it means is that i get one more year as a non--adult and will defo pass the following year.

What have I been up to?

Made my friend/housemate's 21st birthday absolutely special and hopefully memorable enough that she won't forget us who took part in making it a milestone to remember. Thank you to Cl for being a great partner in crime, in spite of the volume that you speak at and the constant-ness of it. It was really excellent company and I couldn't have pulled it off without you and your very special-ness. We've made W happy and that's all that matters. I have to give myself a pat in the back because we were both pretty consummate actresses, W didn't suspect a thing but I swear the adrenaline and the antsy-ness made me crazy.

No pictures for the moment cause it was all taken on my phone and I can't be bothered to upload it except to fb.

What I can say is that, it involved a surprise treat at The Langham Hotel, London for afternoon tea where service was impeccable and food.. absolutely divine. Thanks to the staff at the hotel for being a testament to their experience and training for not looking down on us for being a little uncouth. It was the excitement and the surprise.. I SWEAR it! We're much more well behaved normally.
The day also consisted of a bit of a delicate touch to pay for her posh-ish dinner meal and to deliver her present with hints from her man with finesse. It was a day of luxury and as much as it did burn a hole in my wallet, it was worth it, to see the delight in her face. I enjoyed it as well and hence, I would applaud the day as a resounding success.

Other than that, Xmas was spent with friends the whole day. Party at JJ's house and finishing off the day with a roast lamb dinner at my house.

Thank you to my uncle, a bit random but without his tutelage, I would probably have not had such a love for food and Christmas as well as the experience to do such things. I say this because in spite of not having to roast such a large leg of lamb for a good 5-6 years, I managed to do it again with the traditional marinade we do at my house. Along with some new recipes for wholegrain mustard roast potatoes and balsamic roasted vegetables. Yummy. Also, for dessert, seeing as we are chinese people, we had tang yuen because we missed having tang yuen festival, a couple of days before.

Now, as the year ends and a fearful 6 months lay ahead of me. I'm terrified and brimming with anticipation for what the new year holds. Whatever it holds, 2011 was a pretty allright year and I hope that 2012, myself and everyone I hold dear will be healthy and relatively happy (I'm not impractical).

On one last wonderful note, baby R has been born to this world on the 21st of Dec 2011. Absolutely excited about it and elated for the happy new parents. Can't wait to see him 6-8 months down the line =D

hello again

I'm back for a while... i always feel like writing when i'm contemplative... when i feel like i don't have anyone to talk to.. pushed into a corner.. a rut.

I do feel lonely, because I don't have people willing to go the extra mile for me just cause it is nice to do so. I realise.. to do so means I have to be that way in the first place. I just feel like i need to purge this ugly feeling out of me. Is it bad to feel pleased that other people are lonely enough to be my companion?

I think that's because.. the clock is ticking.. and it feels like time is running out.. how did i grow up so quickly.. how did people move on so quickly? I do think i'll be missing out on alot. I feel like i'm not going anywhere..

I don't want to be so emo.. but it is something that just happens.. and just because people don't want to see it doesn't mean it is going to go away.

it is so hard to keep up this happy, cheerful, talkative attitude with everyone.. and when i don't do it.. people see it as me sulking or being sullen. I'm not... it just takes far too much energy to be pleasant.

I don't like feeling like i'm disliked. I don't like harbouring this dislike to for people either. It feels like poison is clogging my emotions and paralysing me. Everything has changed.. have I? have you? why does it feel like my mentality hasn't?

I'm a little worried this year.. could be stress.. could be the age.. etc but I feel cold so easily.. what happened to my heat capacity.. I'm lethargic and tired all the time. What's happening? Why do I feel like time is speeding up but I'm slowing down.

Tears come so easily now as well. I have a deceivingly tough exterior.. but truthfully.. it feels like one mean word and I'm upset so easily.

I don't know.. I just.. don't know anymore. What.. am I going to do..

Hopefully, I'll feel better tomorrow but it does feel that i get depressed so easily without provocation. I hate myself like this..

pleasure =)

I'm happy that the exams are over and for some reason even though i'm dead tired.. the adrenaline running thru my head saying ITS THE WEEKEND!! soak it up! don't sleep! is making me not sleep even tho its 1 30 am in the morning.

I'm also happy that the bbq that grew from a simple wish not to mention last minute wish at last night's dinner became a full blast grand feast this evening. Let's recap the menu!

We had...

Spicy garlic beer marinated chicken wings
Honey Lemon Wholegrain mustard chicken wings
Indian spices inspired marinated lamb chops
Thai style calamari
Korean bulgogi style belly pork

2.5 kg of potato salad.. with 14 eggs... half a block of cheese... etc etc... =)
Homemade coleslaw
Banana and Sweet potato fritters
Marshmallows

Frozen vodka mojitos
Sangria inspired fruit punch

We also had the odd cob of corn =)

Bought a bbq pit for 8 quid! how cheap is that? Oh how i love wilko!

happy days!