*cough cough Hack hack*

I don't remember what was the last thing i posted. However, I'm just posting that I'm sick.. Like really ill. My throat hurts like someone took a knife to it and slashed it up. I cough and hack like an old man. I've got such a runny nose that my nose is raw and sore from all the blowing and tissue paper rubbing. Which btw.. I've gone through an entire box of 150 tissues. My nose? It actually hurts now. Like a really bad sunburn. Oh yea.. I've been sneezing consecutively in either 3 or more successive times. It's so damn exhausting. How am I combating this? By downing gallons of water. Sleeping loads. Okay okay.. I admit. My diet isn't great. But hey.. I'm too exhausted to cook anything.. I don't have a friend or a boyfriend willing to take care of me. Its times like this I wish I had someone to take care of me. I mean I always feel this need to take care of people if they aren't being taken care of.. but I rarely get the same in return other than a token " hey you okay? drink lots of water ya?" I want my mum so bad in times like this.

Anyway, this illness is such a pain when I'm doing my clinical shadowing. Plus I had the CDH which is the Child Dental Health floor today in the morning from 9-12. Meaning I had to pretty much hide my illness for fear of making all the parents run from me in fear of infecting their precious darlings as well as trying to pay attention cause I have to write reports on each patient I saw.. which btw.. I saw like 3 today. Apparently when I go to the DEC( Dental Emergency Clinic) floor... the average is like 6 patients.. oh the horror! My friend saw 8 today. Oh BOY! Anyway.. then i had a 12-1 lecture which was boring and I needed to pee so bad cause I drank loads of water for my bad throat and ran out of tissues cause my nose was so runny. I feel so germy. Then I had an hour lunch then on to the Clinical Simulation Unit where we played with our high speed hand pieces and burrs. We got to practice cutting dentine-like material. Way fun. I brought my block home like a trophy but I'm lazy to post the pic up. This happened from 2-5. SO it has been a dreadfully long day.

then again.. I went for badminton from like 8-9.30. I love badminton for the moment. I was so ill.. but hey.. I don't suck that much in spite of it. I felt a little better after but that was short lived. =(

Tomorrow, I'm hoping to get a couple of things accomplished. Like getting more work pants, my comfy yet expensive work shoes and some fresh fruits. Oh and pair of scissors and a another box of tissues. Have I mentioned that my old pair of scissors broke on me and gave me a nice big cut on my thumb? Gyeh..

Kay that's pretty much all I wanted to complain about. Heheh! It was a complaining post yet it was fairly detailed about what I've been doing today!

Been ages.. On holiday xoxo~!

It's been ages since i've posted. I guess I wasn't emo or writ-ey enough to post. Hehe! But really I've been holiday with breaks in between. I suspect my last post was on my london trip. Then, I went on a week's holiday to bulgaria for skiing. It was really awesome. I wouldn't mind going back again. Skiing I mean. Snowboarding? to be honest.. I'd like to try it but i totally prefer skiing over it. But then again the snowboarder boots seem less painful than the skiing boots. Those boots gave me so many bruises and I was in pain for days. But as Yanko said or was it Dennis? "Pain is gain!" Hahhaha. The pictures for bulgaria.. well I didn't take many except at our "diploma ceremony" at a bar in one of the hotels. S took loads of breath taking photos. Most of them are up on facebook. I can't wait to get them from S. The skill of selca is awesome with S.

As I'm typing this out.. I'm supposed to be preparing for my next lil vacation. I'm heading to the czech republic i.e. prague and then onwards to vienna on Sunday but going to notts tomorrow first. I've heard so much about these places but I've yet to go to my main countries of France and Italy. In particular, Italy. I dunno.. there's something about the food and the romantic idea of the culture and place that makes me really want to do justice to the place in way of a holiday there.

The time and weather has been really crap lately though. The time now is about half eight pm but just before 8 was sunset. I thought this only happened during summer. It's currently mid-spring which makes this strange. It's so disorienting in a strangely comforting way? I mean more light is always good I suppose.

Also, with the fact that I seem like a total innocent cause on my bulgarian trip well... things conspired that really made me seem like a total innocent. I'm the only one who has never been attached and hasn't had my first kiss. *shrugs* like a proper kiss. SO when kissing dares came forth.. well I'm sure the blanks are filled in cause I backed away so fast you could see dust in my wake.

ANyway.. more on that when I get back from my holiday and if i remember. Kay.. time to shower and pack! Cheers!

Vacation!

I've been on holiday for the last week plus! Which is quite awesome since i haven't been able to let go of stress for the longest time. Results have been delayed in being published... so it's coming out maybe next week? But anyways, good news? I'm going to London tomorrow for a couple of days.

My wish? For it to go well.. for me to not lose my temper.. and for us to bond again. I'm worried that I'll be left out again cause I'm a "banana" Oh well.. that's what the ipod is for. Imma kinda just going cause i want to see wicked and also they kinda need a tour guide. What are we hoping to see? London Eye, Big Ben, Madame Tussauds, Ripleys *shiny eyes*, Wicked, Buckingham Palace and Harrods. Hehe.. I've pretty much done all these already.. except for Wicked and Harrods tho. *sigh* I guess I'm going to spend money needlessly.

Anyhoo, I'll blog about the trip when I get back! Packing at the moment.. Packing is NOT one of my favourite things.. I'll end the post with vain pictures of myself! hehe! Hey! I'm a girl! It's a right that I'll exploit!

i know..

I know I said that I wouldn't say or lament about the whole boyfriend thing. But I dunno.. Hmm.. I mean I don't actually want a boyfriend. I want to be able to "fall" for someone? Cause.. at the moment.. I usually observe guys and see that maybe they might be compatible.. but if they don't show any interest or if they show interest in other people or aren't interesting enough .. well I just lost interest.. I don't fight for it.. I don't hold on to the feeling. Basically.. I've never actually liked anyone so much that it hurt to let them go.

I know alot of people would say that it's better not to have that kind of experience cause.. lol it's not nice? I think it would be an experience for me. A new one. Probably a good one... even if it is bittersweet. Obviously, I don't expect anyone to fall for me right back. But I'd like to be able to let go of my control issues and risk adversity... and like someone wholeheartedly? This is a difficult post.

I think people like me are doomed to be old maids. If its not the personality.. well I think its probably that I'm not attractive appearance wise. Easy to believe. *shrugs* I think I'm coming to terms with it. The more the days pass and the years pass as I get older.. the more I'm coming to accept it as it is. But I hope that if I do have the luck to fall for someone completely well.. I hope I fight for it instead of giving up and letting that person go out of habit.

Lol.. Me thinks I've been reading too many shoujo mangas. I can't wait till my skii trip.. I miss people who actually like my company or people that I don't have to make the effort to make conversation. I mean I want conversation but.. nowadays it feels like such an effort to make conversation.. I feel like I want to be a recluse at times but at the same time.. feel a little lonely.

Oh yea I watched Marley and Me the other day with J. It was a good day. The movie was surprisingly touching. I was a little teary. All in all, an awesome movie!

Oh an M'nite was tonight. I feel so detached. I mean I was there.. but instead of it being such a big thing with all the intensity pressure.. i felt a little flat. I think I need a jumpstart on the adrenaline.. Maybe I need to do bungee jumping or something... Face my fears and all the jazz..

Anyway, I think I'll head off now.

Over and out

hitori... iieyo..

I'm a little emo with this post.

I'm also contemplating whether I should just let the matter be or go ahead and confront it one on one... I'm wondering whether the pro-active approach will make things worse.. It's deja vu..

I feel like I'm repeating the process of what happened 8 years ago or so.. You give your time and support as much as you can.. but upon the first opportunity presented you're dropped. It was like you served as a filler replacement only when people are lonely.

Part of me thinks I should just ignore the whole thing but the other part of me wants to see revenge.. like wtf am I being treated this way? Why is it people keep taking me for granted? And the spiteful part of me wants to just wait and see when their happy happy joy joy mood is over and when they come looking for your company or support again.. Turn away.. Hell.. i'm human. Obviously, go ahead and think I'm evil and etc etc.. but shit man.. It's ridiculous. I'm bitter over this kind of treatment. Apparently, it's sien talking to me.. ooh this is only when you have that person now. Part of me curses you to hope it all comes crashing down on you. Retribution.. But then again I don't want it.. you'll come crying to me again.. And I'm f*ckin weak for some reason. Even with all these nasty thoughts.. I will support you if you need me to.. and at the expense of my time, good humour and sanity.

At these points in time.. I wish I were cold blooded and completely devoid of emotion.

studying

I studied quite solidly today. well it took me from like 10 am in the morning to 3 pm to actually get started.

So i'm quite pleased. I'm trying not to let the panic set in.

I think I'm going try and kill myself going to the gym after my exams. That's my goal!

On a happy note.. my easter holidays is going to be full! I hope I keep my energy levels up! going to london first 2 days after holls start. YAY! gonna watch wicked! I hope P and I can bond again there but if not.. hahah Y is going to have to keep me company. Technically, I start my holls right after exams.. haha i have like 10 days before holls start where I can bum around! Then going to bulgaria for skiing on the 29th of Mar for a week then back on The 5th and off again on the 12th to prague- vienna-london! and back here in time for 2 days before school starts. It's going to be awesome! Have to stay in a good mood tho in spite of the tiredness!

If I pass this exam... then i'm quite home free I think at the moment.. well that's how I'd like to think.. so aja! aja! hwaiting! must do craniofacial development and dental tissues over the weekend. THen, I would have done 4 topics. And I'd just have to cover OE, BP mainly next week.. and perhaps read ND and BSD.

Other things to think about.. I hope J is okay in s'pore.. I haven't hear from J since she left. I miss L alot now.. I hope that I'll hang out with her during the summer again. I bet I'll end up doing that cause everyone else kinda ditches me during the summer. That's partly true but the other truth is that I feel left out even if I do go out with them. Plus everyone's all attached like. It's not a good atmosphere for singles.

I've been really good at procrastinating lately. geh.. as usual.. i'm prone to it during exam period. Actually, I wanna make truffles.. Hmm.. I'll try it during my break. which will be awesome! =D

Kay! Over and out!

Life from my little room!

I pretty much stayed in my room the whole day. Basically, hermitizing myself. I got something done tho albeit SLOWLY and at the pace of a sloth. I finished ONE of my two reports but slow because i was reading manga, watching dramas and surfing the net at the same time. I'm such a procrastinator.. Haven't started on my studying yet. But I hope to finish off the second report tomorrow and then start studying. I've gathered my notes from last term tho. Like i've taken them out. Haha!

TK has been freaking me out tho. TK's been studying for the past week so scared the crap out of me whenever I'm told of what TK's studied. I hope to stay away cause I prefer not be freaked out. I'm probably not going to do as well as TK but that's to be expected. I study alot less. Plus TK absorbs stuff alot faster and self studies a helluva lot better. *sigh* I'm still waiting for that sign that I'm cut out for this course. I think I've been pretty good at scraping through each time but I'm worried of the time when my luck runs out.

Also J's been ill lately. I've been calling J every so often cause I'm actually worried. I know we haven't been close in a long time.. heck to be honest I don't have close friends nowadays. I have more like acquaintances that I like to call friends. But we have a history so.. yes I'm worried. I keep seeing flashes of what my papa went through. I think I'm a little traumatized by the event eventhough it happened so long ago..

I remember sitting on my bed when my mum told me the news and the fact that I wasn't to tell my siblings about it. I felt so numb and was in shock. I just felt like I was paralyzed and I didn't even realise that tears were just slipping out my eyes. I knew then how terrified I was. Fear isn't really that all out screaming and scrambling hectic kind of feeling. Deep fear is one that paralyses you and you feel terrified that you can't control your reactions. It is more silent that anything. If you ask why I can cry alot more easily now.. it's because of that incident I think. I still cry whenever I think of it. I remember having to cover up and act like everything is fine in front of my younger sister. I remember having to go to the hospital on the day of his operation and wait 5-6 hours outside the OT. I think the news that my dad would have a 50-50% of surviving terrified me. I kept thinking of the worst. Like what would happen in the worst case scenario. During that period of my life, I cried the most and I didn't tell anyone about it for at least 6 months after my dad was declared in remission. It was hard having to keep it to myself but I didn't feel like I had anyone at that time. I was having problems with confiding in friends due to certain circumstances. I did tell one teacher. I was expecting to make it quick but the more she asked why I had to skip a nativity practice... I had to tell her the reason.. I had to take care of my dad. I thought I was stronger than that.. but I started to cry but still I kept trying to disguise it. But when she tried to comfort me and said she would pray for me and my dad.. I just started to cry silently. Outwardly, I'm surprised how good an actor I was.. no one really questioned or suspected I was going through all that. I guess when push comes to shove.. I didn't feel like I had anyone to support me. True enough.. when I did tell a select few.. they just didn't know what to say.. and were like.. "Oh.. I'm sorry.. but your dad is okay now right?" This was probably why I never said anything cause God knows what they would know what to do if i really needed their support.. so I kinda waited till I was able to deal with the emotions nonchalantly..I prayed fervently during that period of time. Surprisingly, I didn't blame the Lord but I just prayed that he gave me strength for that period of time and that he would help my dad get better.

Even now... a few months ago when P and I were close.. I found out that my dad was ill again but I was told with ulcers only.. but in the same area of his cancer.. hence.. I was terrified again.. I was worried that my mum was concealing from me the severity of his illness like she did to my elder sister who was in UK at the time. I couldn't sleep... I was scared.. and I just wanted to cry.. probably because I wasn't at home.. I went weak and I sought P out.. I ended up crying in her arms as silent as I could cause T was in the room.. I only wanted to talk but ended up crying.. after that incident I felt weak.. cause rarely people have seen me cry.. I was a little ashamed...I hate feeling like that.. T left the room when I was talking is low tones to P.. P wasn't much help but P didn't pretend to know how to deal with me.. P just cried along with me. Surprisingly, I did feel a little better and more able to deal with the fear rooted deep within. T came back around 4 am later on.. and advised me a bit. I'm forever grateful for that.. and it made me feel a little resentful that the people I called my friends were not able to support me then.. or rather I didn't let them.. but I knew their natures.. they would not be able to support me... In the end... my mum told me that it was ulcers.. but I'm still a little worried.. Then again.. I'm just putting it out of my mind.. and hoping for the best.

I don't know whether I'm as strong as I make myself out to be.. Sometimes I feel like I'm an emotional wreck. On the outside, I know people think that I'm strong.. cause i want to be and i want people to see me that way.. but.. I fear for the day that someone realises that I'm easily crushed.. when that day comes.. I'll probably run..I don't know how this post became all emo but.. I guess.. whenever i hear of something similar to what my dad went thru I get scared of losing people I care for again. I have loads of fears.. one of which is losing people I care for. But rationally... i know I have to let people go.. but it makes me depressed. I guess I wish for someone to call my own? like a friend to keep for myself.. but that isn't possible is it? haha.. maybe a robot friend that will never betray you.. Humans are so fallible..

Anyway.. I'm going to stop here...