you..

You occupy my thoughts.. more than half the time.
You scare me sometimes with your perceptiveness.
Yet you annoy me with your denseness.
Unfortunately, I can't make you think of me.
I just hope some part of you does once in a while.

hmm

crushes.. come and go don't they? Do they reoccur?

Breathe

I finally have a bit of time to breathe..

Not going anywhere this weekend. Just chilling.. or rather i've got work I've got to get done. I'm not travelling anywhere. It feels good but I feel some what empty? Nah. I wouldn't give up this free time for anything in the world tho.

I'm having some trouble shaking M off my tail. Its not like I did anything to really encourage of it. But now that I'm aware of it.. I really have to stop it from progressing lest things get messy.

I think K is back in my head. Then again I wouldn't change what's going on right now for the world either. I'm content with the way things is. It's comfortable. I'd rather have the less drama. Or maybe cause of M, K is back. Hahaha.

Anyway, watched New Moon recently. Frankly, I enjoyed it purely for the eye candy i got from watching Jacob. Loved Dakota Fanning as well. But yes.. if no Jacob I would have said the show was crap! Mmmm... topless Jacob.. HAHAHHA imma such a perv. *shrugs* In my denfense, I'm a healthy young female who's got hormones! Hahahhaha I can appreciate a hot guy but I feel a little bit pedo cause omg wth.. he's freaking 17!

I love love love my C! Cause it's awesome when we hang out together. I think currently, having C around just makes everything more interesting! Thank God for C! hee hee! Try to take C away and they'll be hell to pay! But I hope everything stays.. normal =D and we'll end up being good friends for life!

Hm... what else to say.. other than the massive lab report that i'm soooo behind on?

Enjoyed You're Beautiful, music, series watching.. drama watching.. etc etc.. and hot guys! hee hee!

I feel like my train of thought it seriously.. incoherent.. but anyways that's it! Cheers!

Flattered

I'm flattered... but i dunno how to get out of it without being too cold..

*sigh* I don't think it will work out.. maybe i'll continue to close eyes and close ears.. then no need to think liao.. buat bodoh lah! hahaha

Thanks tho.. =D

WANT!

I want this beyond baddd!!! Unfortunately, it was like 150 pounds when it didn't have my size.. and when i looked online where it does have my size.. it's 230 pounds.. *sigh*.. I looked friggin hot in it tho ! hee hee!

sleep.. and stuff..

I'm having trouble sleeping. Probably because I've been sleeping for 12 hrs for the past 2-3 days at night just cause it's the weekend. I think I'm going to try sleeping a little less tonight.. and drink plenty of coffee tomorrow morning to keep me going.

The other issue is.. talking about people.

I regret.. to say that I've been talking about people lately.. and expressing my opinions. Probably because I've been keeping it inside because people keep having views that are one-sided. I usually don't do that often unless it is to people I trust with my own secrets. Friends who have known me from my turbulent teenage rebellious years can vouch for that. But I think because I've bottled it up.. now I'm letting it out. But I don't actually want to malign anyone's character because they can be perfectly allright people but something about their personalities just doesn't agree with me because of something they've said or something that they've done to me. I admit I can be bitter, bitchy and hold grudges. I am so not a good person. But I'm just hoping that what I've said doesn't get out to the wrong people. I am keeping my faith in some people right now because they've promised not to tell.. I hope they don't break it. But I am going to try watching what I say again. I really will try.. *sigh* I really feel regretful because this time I am guilty of talking crap about ppl. But not of telling someone else's issues.

Just a thought...

I wonder if anyone realises that.. once you make a decision.. no matter how small or large.. you inevitably are responsible for that decision you've made.

I doubt people realise that the decision doesn't have to be an official decision.. it could range from giving an opinion at a team meeting, to deciding to buy something and to deciding to say something. Everything is a decision.. and everything requires responsibility..

I feel so weighed down even tho I can barely count what my responsibilities are meaning that I've forgotten them..

I'm feeling so depressed with that reconfirmation..

It's so heavy... just living sometimes..

crush..

can crushes revive themselves? *shrugs* maybe it is.. but i don't know how to tell.. i tend to realise things concerning myself only much later after i've had time to analyse it. Oh well..

I don't see anything going anywhere.. so tra la la..

f(x) is so awesome.. amber reminds me a someone I knew in high school. But ahhaha is it possible to go all fangirly over a girl? =P scary..

back in brunei

I'm so far been in a pretty good mood.. since I got back! I get to drive.. i get to play netball.. i went to shahbandar.. i went to 2 korean restaurants. Ohh life is good for the moment.

Oh but my sport shoes are too small so.. i got my daddy to buy me new ones. yay! but it was time for a change anyway cause my old ones are dying.

I also played netball for like over 2 hours today. It was good but I can see how out of shape I am. crappers.. Anyhoo... I have a mission to clean the mess I made in my younger sis' room in which I'm staying in for the summer cause she's coming home from s'pore tonight. Whoops.. hehehe I've been procrastinating and throwing my clothes and stuff everywhere.. well mostly on her bed and on the floor. I dunno what it is about being home but.. I become instantly messy whereas in UK i'm pretty organised. Lol!

Oh yea! I had a stupid wake up call this morning.. LOL I mean I was supposed to wake up and I had switched off my alarm but the way I woke up was from the stack of pillows that was piled up next to my bed on a table thing that fell directly on my face. Someone must have not stacked it up right. Cheh.. I was half laughing in my head but also going.. wth?!

Oh well! I hope to enjoy my holiday here in FULL!!! wahahahha but also in moderation so I don't em.. hehehe * blush * gain weight again.. maintain!!!!! hopefully!

K over and out!

Packing! 4 more days!!!

I vacuumed my room already and sorted out some clothes.. god.. I can't bear to get rid of stuff.. I swear I'm a pack rat. Oh well.. I did manage to convince myself to get rid of a couple of articles of clothing.

Ooh! I also started packing stuff into my suitcase. It looks like it's going to be another heavy haul. I spoke with a couple of friends and everyone packs light. But then again I don't have much clothes in brunei that I'd actually use.. plus I have no idea where most of my clothes are since my oh so dear sister decided to get rid of all my stuff and stuff them in bits and pieces everywhere just so that she could take over my room. It's such a pain.

Anyway, I've packed and well I haven't actually got anything for krystle but... oh well don't care. I've got so much stuff to pack in, I don't know how I'm going to manage dragging it down to london and then to heathrow.

I'm still doing laundry. I suppose I'll be doing it till I leave! ugh.. Anyhoo, I'm going to metro centre with C and JJ tomorrow! Awesome-ness! Also, I'll be watching Harry Potter tomorrow =D Life is currently good!

Still can't wait to go home cause everyone is there already!

Over and out!

Cleanliness is next to...?

I spent the day cleaning the house with K. The kitchen and the living room. Omg.. from the moment i woke up around 1 something till like 6-7 pm at night. crazee..

It was disgusting.. and i used so much boiling water to clean my hands have minor burns and are raw... oh.. and we found nasty nasty stuff... massive maggots that made me wanna throw up even tho i hadn't eaten anything the whole day till like about 8 pm when we cooked fajitas for dinner together. Luckily, K cleaned the box with the maggots and creepy crawly stuff. Ugh.. Oh and we had to throw a bag of rice with 1/3 left in it.. cause it was contaminated? Hahah But on the good side.. everything.. is SO clean now.. let's hope it stays that way. I think we're going to have to set some ground rules when we come back after the summer.

Next on the list for the weekend is cleaning my room, cleaning the toilet and perhaps starting on the packing! Omg.. I can't wait till i go home. I don't know why really.. cause there's nothing to do there.. but STILL!!! korean food korean food! I'll probably edit this post tomorrow with a picture of the maggots.. HAHAHA yes.. sick as it is.. I took a picture of it..

K Over and out!

/edit

Here's the picture I promised! Haha!


Check out the maggots.. those are the white things.. and the grown weevils... *shudder*

taylor swift

I'm hooked.. blaming C for this. C made me watch taylor swift.. and oh my god.. the girl is gorgeous.. it's undeniable..

I'm now super hooked on the song we belong together. It's very cinderella story though.. but I'm such a sucker for stuff like that.

Oh.. and I went to a friend's birthday/graduation party thing today.. takes me about 40-50 minutes to walk there though.. Oh well.. It was a good party.. had lots to eat.. *sigh* bad jamie!!

I'm still trying to lose more weight.. cause hey.. even i know going back to brunei means i'm going to be eating day and night.. and just.. eat eat eat.. cause there are so many things i want to eat. The only reason why I'm able to lose weight here in the UK is because I really.. just don't eat much. It's good for lowering my food expenses but I'm at awe at how much the human body doesn't actually NEED to eat.

Other than that.. I've got an assessment tomorrow and the dreaded OSCE on friday. I'm a little nervous but I really feel like I shouldn't be doing anything.. holiday mode already on. I can't wait till the weekend cause it means that I can start packing.. and I'm going on a cleaning spree.. all ready to go home. I can't wait!!! Can you feel my pent up anticipation?

Other than that.. hmm.. nothing much to report.. Oh other than the fact that it is really strange that in the UK i seem to be the one target that is super fun to tease... whereas back home.. i'm the one people don't want to cross.. so I'm pretty much left alone which is a good thing.. cause i know people back home don't tend to tease people about harmless matters.

Anyway.. i'll sleep early tonight.. just cause I can!

just a tad upset..

It's really no biggie.. I wonder whether it's a mixture of the alcohol I had.. the stress I've been putting on myself.. and just that hormonal stage of my life. But I got upset..

I mean it's nothing big lah.. it's just..

I've worked pretty hard at keeping the weight down.. and I was proud of losing that 5 kgs.. but.. it's stressful having to constantly monitor consciously the food I'm eating.. or rather not eating.. which makes me kinda miserable.. And so I guess I'm on edge.. hoping that someone will notice.. or support me.. rather than saying the opposite. Unfortunately, one of my housemates.. being a guy made a rather insensitive comment.. which normally I wouldn't take to heart cause hey. he's a guy and usually he's my fav guy of the 3 guys I have as housemates.. So I got upset.. and at first tried to cover it up by pretending to be absolutely tipsy from the mere 5 mixers and 2 glasses of wine i had and interrogating him and taking it out on him by whacking him several times playfully and unplayfully. but then I think I got a little desperate and more upset.. and wouldn't let it go.. a bad habit of mine that I usually am able to suppress but.. I did have a little to drink that loosened the control I had over that habit of mine. then somehow the night ended with me going upstairs to my room and ending it up here wondering how it happened.. He did come upstairs to see whether I was allright and apologising for whatever he did ... but I never really let people know how much things bother me but I suppose he realised cause I couldn't look him in the eye cause I was kinda upset and used the rest of my control to not be too upset in front of him and waited till he left the room before letting myself be totally upset.

I'm only writing this to get it off my chest and let me be finished with it.. as well as understand that I was being silly about it. And pray that my friend isn't too troubled by it cause honestly he was just saying the wrong thing, in the wrong place... wrong time. I don't want to annoy him.. and I don't really know WHY I got so upset but for some reason.. that comment did upset me.. and made me paranoid.. I know he'll never see this but.. yea.. I'm sorry I acted like an idiot.. I guess I haven't grown up as much as I'd like to think so.. *sigh* I pity any idiot that actually is stupid enough to fall for a crap person like me cause he'd have to deal with my temperamental-ness..

*sigh* strangely enough.. today was an okay day with a crappily weird finish.. I hope tomorrow will be better and I hope the next two days go fast enough.. I want to go home to recuperate..

2 weeks plus..What have I

What have I been up to lately?

I went to alton towers.. emm.. 2 weeks ago! And I got past my fear and did the scary rides.. not like I had a choice but I did them without throwing up?? Hahhaa Imma so proud..

The other thing is that.. well I'm trying my best with the weight issue.. I keep trying to lose that one kg.. but hai~~ mainly.. I think losing weight has alot to do with mental will power.. I guess I'm going to have to keep myself busy when i'm back in brunei.. I've found the more I'm at home.. especially with money at my disposal.. I'm going to eat.. *sigh*

Anyway! I'm almost done with my essay! banzai!!! only the conclusion to go! What with 3 more assessments to go and an osce as well. oh god... seriously.. 2 more weeks.. I can't wait.. I'm already getting antsy.. I want to go home... Everyone's back home already man...

Been playing badminton loads.. I should head to the gym since i'm probably not going to be playing badminton for a while.. but really.. I hate the gym.. I'd rather go hiking.. maybe I'll do my exercise vid tomorrow? especially since i'm going out to eat tomorrow urgh.. bad jamie..

OH yea.. it's been so HOT... urgh.. i really hate the summer.. another reason why i'd like to go home.. at least my house is airconditioned all over.. I mean I know loads of people like summer and shit.. but urgh.. I've to make do with a fan now.. My favourite season is more like autumn.. then winter. *grins* Oh well..

kay! Hope that's been brought up to speed. cheers!

Complexes..

I don't know whether it's the music I'm listening to or what.. but my happy mood turned dark and emo.

I just started thinking about complexes.

One is probably my weight. I mean it's just depressing and I know people think that all girls have it. But I probably have it more cause it's a real issue. even medically has to be taken into account. By no means am I anorexic of course but I eat when I'm depressed and it just goes into a vicious cycle. My weight went up again cause of all the meals outside I've been having. Some close friends will say that i've got pretty features. But c'mon I'm not stupid. People would never look at you that closely to search for pretty features unless they are close friends. How you look influences how you react to people and also your career and etc. It's not just in the love department. The romance department is just a trivial issue in this case. The complex causes me to be more abrasive and defensive not just in this issue but until it's part of my personality. It's probably the cause of me not being appropriately girly so that I won't be looked down upon perhaps?

Another issue could probably be my elder sister and family complex. Its part middle child syndrome and part.. "trauma" from the treatment I get from my elder sister. I can't let it go and I don't think I ever will. So people are just going to have to accept that. The trauma isn't physical rather it's emotional and mental. Another complex that influences my life and choices.

There are probably more but I'd rather not get into it. These are just the biggest ones that are constantly on my mind.

I mean.. it's not like i'm unaware of it. The case is probably that i'm TOO aware of it. I don't like it but.. I can't help it. People who haven't got the same problems will not understand completely and will brush it off as a trivial issue or something that could easily be let go of or gotten over. It could probably be because I won't accept them understanding it.. but I do feel that it isn't possible for them to really understand how these complexes mess with your choices, personality and thinking. They may understand to a little extent but not the full extent.

It frustrates me when people think that I have my head in the clouds just cause of it. It isn't true. I'm a gemini for god's sake. Which means I do have a realistic side and I do know that how these things affect me and I'm usually rational when the time calls for it. But I like closing my eyes and dreaming of better things.. rather then going crazy and becoming all emo. The dreaming bit also helps with not worrying people by making them think that you're fine with everything as well as helping me cope with living with these complexes.

I could possibly be blowing these things out of proportion but.. I just wanted to get it off my chest for lack of a better saying.

I heard somewhere that a lot of people who appear strong.. usually have chinks in their armor so that if those chinks are found and targeted.. the armor crumbles and you'd be able to see how weak the person really is. I'm terrified of that ever happening to me. I don't like to think of myself as weak.. but I'm terrified that i'll discover that I totally am one day.

Terrified...

Its getting hot in here

Oh lords... My room feels like a sauna box. It's so hot. The temperature is like over 20 degrees everyday and my room has ceilings and walls that heat up with no ventilation. I've opened my window and my door to create a little ventilation circuit. It feels marginally cooler.. but its still sweltering.

YF left today. I was allright with it but it was fun having the company and someone who was constantly amused by me. Only problem was the snoring but I found sleeping with YF was better than sleeping with YT who snores and moves around like crazy. Plus with this heat.. I don't get the best sleep I could be getting. But still I'm going to miss the company even though having YF here made me fat. I had to take a photo(s) of us. hehe





I spoke to L the other day. It was really funny cause I was playing with makeup. I have to say I'm getting better at it. I only need some black eye shadow now to make the smokiness come out. The pictures didn't turn out well but I'm going upload it anyway. That was a great convo!









There's nothing else I have to report except I have another assessment tomorrow. And I actually have stuff to do but I really just don't want to do anything. *sigh*

comprehension...

I just wonder why people have the misconception that i'm a scary person or that it's normal to treat me like a guy.

I mean.. it's gotten so often that I, myself have started to think the same way and kinda push it in that direction anyway. But I've even actually shown my temper at people. I haven't yelled at them with anger or whacked anyone with intention to injure. But people have mentioned that they have like an gut feeling of sorts that I'm a scary person if ever riled like a scary person under the surface. Well.. I admit that it probably is like that.. but I'm pretty even tempered nowadays and so much more tolerant. Hence, I don't get why they feel that way. *shrugs* it does have it's uses tho I admit...

The other thing about me being treated like a guy. Well, it was how I was treated as I grew up i suppose. But I don't get why people don't see that I like it when people help me or at least offer to help me. I mean I am self sufficient enough and I can do it myself but.. it's always nicer if someone offers right? AND for all that people like having the misconception that it's normal to treat me like a guy.. I don't get why they don't see that I like playing with makeup, cooking, baking, reading romance novels. So many things that mark me as a girl that I should be. I mean just cause I don't act like a total girly girl by being all sickeningly cutesy or pretend to be weak and flirt like there's no tomorrow as long as there is a Y chromosomed person in the room... does not mean that I actually like being treated like a guy totally man. Even my dad... said I should have been born a boy. I did ask him whether he thought I should have been born a boy but I didn't expect him to agree. That was kinda.. well sad. *shrugs*

Anyway, on a nice note, I bought a kick ass hair dryer =D. sick of the ones that keep breaking down on me. And I went out with C today. That was awesome. C always makes me feel happy when we're out together.

K! That's all!

Back from awesome-ness of Manchester

Oh my.. god.. I arrived back in NCL this morning around 11.15 am. Strangely enough i'm a little tired but none worse for the wear.

J was awesome company the whole weekend. So awesome that I extended my stay till this morning instead of leaving yesterday afternoon. I think I'll try posting more on my blog btw. I wish I could say we took plenty plenty of photos. But to be honest we were too lazy. J's place is so comfy and I had a Korean futon like sleeping bed. Hehehe well makeshift from a sleeping bag, 2 throws, J's extra duvet and 2 pillows. Slept like a queen to be honest!

J's also like an evil temptation voice. Managed to convince me to buy Ray Bans. I love them but I'm also hurting from the amount of money I spent on it. Hahaha! Oh well! We also bought jeans together which are awesome and shirts. Convinced J to get something for Bruce as "petty" revenge which really isn't revenge anyway since I know J wants it. As for the rest of my expenses... went to foooood.. oh god.. it was soo good.. dimsum twice, KOREAN FOOD( been craving for it for ages), Indian food.. and various other snackage. Oh yea. I love J cause J came with me to watch X-men FINALLY and also we watched the we will rock you musical which was brilliant!

BTW X-MEN was soo cool! Why? the amount of eye candy there made me drooool. J kept teasing me cause I was apparently according to J, high on hormones and a pervert. My defense is that I haven't got a boyfriend so I can enjoy watching hot men as much as I like! Buahahha! heck even if i had a bf, I'd still be doing that!

But other than just a run through all the stuff we did. I was Happy.. "HAPPY" for such a long period of time such as these last 3 plus days is such a rare occurence.. that I revelled in it. It's not like we did much.. but we caught up.. we talked about serious issues in our lives that we didn't have time to examine and simply skimmed over when telling each other about it. Because we caught up on stuff like that.. we understand each other better. We enjoyed each other's company and silences. We just.. relished and had a ball! I'm sure people think I'm making a major issue out of nothing. But it's times like this.. that make memories that I really... for lack of a better word.. "cherish"

Before I get all sentimental and bleah.. well I'll go! I need a shower! Cooked Chicken Rice for my housemates. It was.. good. I haven't cooked in a long time and it was just.. well it felt like settling into my own skin again.

Anyways Cheers all!

*cough cough Hack hack*

I don't remember what was the last thing i posted. However, I'm just posting that I'm sick.. Like really ill. My throat hurts like someone took a knife to it and slashed it up. I cough and hack like an old man. I've got such a runny nose that my nose is raw and sore from all the blowing and tissue paper rubbing. Which btw.. I've gone through an entire box of 150 tissues. My nose? It actually hurts now. Like a really bad sunburn. Oh yea.. I've been sneezing consecutively in either 3 or more successive times. It's so damn exhausting. How am I combating this? By downing gallons of water. Sleeping loads. Okay okay.. I admit. My diet isn't great. But hey.. I'm too exhausted to cook anything.. I don't have a friend or a boyfriend willing to take care of me. Its times like this I wish I had someone to take care of me. I mean I always feel this need to take care of people if they aren't being taken care of.. but I rarely get the same in return other than a token " hey you okay? drink lots of water ya?" I want my mum so bad in times like this.

Anyway, this illness is such a pain when I'm doing my clinical shadowing. Plus I had the CDH which is the Child Dental Health floor today in the morning from 9-12. Meaning I had to pretty much hide my illness for fear of making all the parents run from me in fear of infecting their precious darlings as well as trying to pay attention cause I have to write reports on each patient I saw.. which btw.. I saw like 3 today. Apparently when I go to the DEC( Dental Emergency Clinic) floor... the average is like 6 patients.. oh the horror! My friend saw 8 today. Oh BOY! Anyway.. then i had a 12-1 lecture which was boring and I needed to pee so bad cause I drank loads of water for my bad throat and ran out of tissues cause my nose was so runny. I feel so germy. Then I had an hour lunch then on to the Clinical Simulation Unit where we played with our high speed hand pieces and burrs. We got to practice cutting dentine-like material. Way fun. I brought my block home like a trophy but I'm lazy to post the pic up. This happened from 2-5. SO it has been a dreadfully long day.

then again.. I went for badminton from like 8-9.30. I love badminton for the moment. I was so ill.. but hey.. I don't suck that much in spite of it. I felt a little better after but that was short lived. =(

Tomorrow, I'm hoping to get a couple of things accomplished. Like getting more work pants, my comfy yet expensive work shoes and some fresh fruits. Oh and pair of scissors and a another box of tissues. Have I mentioned that my old pair of scissors broke on me and gave me a nice big cut on my thumb? Gyeh..

Kay that's pretty much all I wanted to complain about. Heheh! It was a complaining post yet it was fairly detailed about what I've been doing today!

Been ages.. On holiday xoxo~!

It's been ages since i've posted. I guess I wasn't emo or writ-ey enough to post. Hehe! But really I've been holiday with breaks in between. I suspect my last post was on my london trip. Then, I went on a week's holiday to bulgaria for skiing. It was really awesome. I wouldn't mind going back again. Skiing I mean. Snowboarding? to be honest.. I'd like to try it but i totally prefer skiing over it. But then again the snowboarder boots seem less painful than the skiing boots. Those boots gave me so many bruises and I was in pain for days. But as Yanko said or was it Dennis? "Pain is gain!" Hahhaha. The pictures for bulgaria.. well I didn't take many except at our "diploma ceremony" at a bar in one of the hotels. S took loads of breath taking photos. Most of them are up on facebook. I can't wait to get them from S. The skill of selca is awesome with S.

As I'm typing this out.. I'm supposed to be preparing for my next lil vacation. I'm heading to the czech republic i.e. prague and then onwards to vienna on Sunday but going to notts tomorrow first. I've heard so much about these places but I've yet to go to my main countries of France and Italy. In particular, Italy. I dunno.. there's something about the food and the romantic idea of the culture and place that makes me really want to do justice to the place in way of a holiday there.

The time and weather has been really crap lately though. The time now is about half eight pm but just before 8 was sunset. I thought this only happened during summer. It's currently mid-spring which makes this strange. It's so disorienting in a strangely comforting way? I mean more light is always good I suppose.

Also, with the fact that I seem like a total innocent cause on my bulgarian trip well... things conspired that really made me seem like a total innocent. I'm the only one who has never been attached and hasn't had my first kiss. *shrugs* like a proper kiss. SO when kissing dares came forth.. well I'm sure the blanks are filled in cause I backed away so fast you could see dust in my wake.

ANyway.. more on that when I get back from my holiday and if i remember. Kay.. time to shower and pack! Cheers!

Vacation!

I've been on holiday for the last week plus! Which is quite awesome since i haven't been able to let go of stress for the longest time. Results have been delayed in being published... so it's coming out maybe next week? But anyways, good news? I'm going to London tomorrow for a couple of days.

My wish? For it to go well.. for me to not lose my temper.. and for us to bond again. I'm worried that I'll be left out again cause I'm a "banana" Oh well.. that's what the ipod is for. Imma kinda just going cause i want to see wicked and also they kinda need a tour guide. What are we hoping to see? London Eye, Big Ben, Madame Tussauds, Ripleys *shiny eyes*, Wicked, Buckingham Palace and Harrods. Hehe.. I've pretty much done all these already.. except for Wicked and Harrods tho. *sigh* I guess I'm going to spend money needlessly.

Anyhoo, I'll blog about the trip when I get back! Packing at the moment.. Packing is NOT one of my favourite things.. I'll end the post with vain pictures of myself! hehe! Hey! I'm a girl! It's a right that I'll exploit!

i know..

I know I said that I wouldn't say or lament about the whole boyfriend thing. But I dunno.. Hmm.. I mean I don't actually want a boyfriend. I want to be able to "fall" for someone? Cause.. at the moment.. I usually observe guys and see that maybe they might be compatible.. but if they don't show any interest or if they show interest in other people or aren't interesting enough .. well I just lost interest.. I don't fight for it.. I don't hold on to the feeling. Basically.. I've never actually liked anyone so much that it hurt to let them go.

I know alot of people would say that it's better not to have that kind of experience cause.. lol it's not nice? I think it would be an experience for me. A new one. Probably a good one... even if it is bittersweet. Obviously, I don't expect anyone to fall for me right back. But I'd like to be able to let go of my control issues and risk adversity... and like someone wholeheartedly? This is a difficult post.

I think people like me are doomed to be old maids. If its not the personality.. well I think its probably that I'm not attractive appearance wise. Easy to believe. *shrugs* I think I'm coming to terms with it. The more the days pass and the years pass as I get older.. the more I'm coming to accept it as it is. But I hope that if I do have the luck to fall for someone completely well.. I hope I fight for it instead of giving up and letting that person go out of habit.

Lol.. Me thinks I've been reading too many shoujo mangas. I can't wait till my skii trip.. I miss people who actually like my company or people that I don't have to make the effort to make conversation. I mean I want conversation but.. nowadays it feels like such an effort to make conversation.. I feel like I want to be a recluse at times but at the same time.. feel a little lonely.

Oh yea I watched Marley and Me the other day with J. It was a good day. The movie was surprisingly touching. I was a little teary. All in all, an awesome movie!

Oh an M'nite was tonight. I feel so detached. I mean I was there.. but instead of it being such a big thing with all the intensity pressure.. i felt a little flat. I think I need a jumpstart on the adrenaline.. Maybe I need to do bungee jumping or something... Face my fears and all the jazz..

Anyway, I think I'll head off now.

Over and out

hitori... iieyo..

I'm a little emo with this post.

I'm also contemplating whether I should just let the matter be or go ahead and confront it one on one... I'm wondering whether the pro-active approach will make things worse.. It's deja vu..

I feel like I'm repeating the process of what happened 8 years ago or so.. You give your time and support as much as you can.. but upon the first opportunity presented you're dropped. It was like you served as a filler replacement only when people are lonely.

Part of me thinks I should just ignore the whole thing but the other part of me wants to see revenge.. like wtf am I being treated this way? Why is it people keep taking me for granted? And the spiteful part of me wants to just wait and see when their happy happy joy joy mood is over and when they come looking for your company or support again.. Turn away.. Hell.. i'm human. Obviously, go ahead and think I'm evil and etc etc.. but shit man.. It's ridiculous. I'm bitter over this kind of treatment. Apparently, it's sien talking to me.. ooh this is only when you have that person now. Part of me curses you to hope it all comes crashing down on you. Retribution.. But then again I don't want it.. you'll come crying to me again.. And I'm f*ckin weak for some reason. Even with all these nasty thoughts.. I will support you if you need me to.. and at the expense of my time, good humour and sanity.

At these points in time.. I wish I were cold blooded and completely devoid of emotion.

studying

I studied quite solidly today. well it took me from like 10 am in the morning to 3 pm to actually get started.

So i'm quite pleased. I'm trying not to let the panic set in.

I think I'm going try and kill myself going to the gym after my exams. That's my goal!

On a happy note.. my easter holidays is going to be full! I hope I keep my energy levels up! going to london first 2 days after holls start. YAY! gonna watch wicked! I hope P and I can bond again there but if not.. hahah Y is going to have to keep me company. Technically, I start my holls right after exams.. haha i have like 10 days before holls start where I can bum around! Then going to bulgaria for skiing on the 29th of Mar for a week then back on The 5th and off again on the 12th to prague- vienna-london! and back here in time for 2 days before school starts. It's going to be awesome! Have to stay in a good mood tho in spite of the tiredness!

If I pass this exam... then i'm quite home free I think at the moment.. well that's how I'd like to think.. so aja! aja! hwaiting! must do craniofacial development and dental tissues over the weekend. THen, I would have done 4 topics. And I'd just have to cover OE, BP mainly next week.. and perhaps read ND and BSD.

Other things to think about.. I hope J is okay in s'pore.. I haven't hear from J since she left. I miss L alot now.. I hope that I'll hang out with her during the summer again. I bet I'll end up doing that cause everyone else kinda ditches me during the summer. That's partly true but the other truth is that I feel left out even if I do go out with them. Plus everyone's all attached like. It's not a good atmosphere for singles.

I've been really good at procrastinating lately. geh.. as usual.. i'm prone to it during exam period. Actually, I wanna make truffles.. Hmm.. I'll try it during my break. which will be awesome! =D

Kay! Over and out!

Life from my little room!

I pretty much stayed in my room the whole day. Basically, hermitizing myself. I got something done tho albeit SLOWLY and at the pace of a sloth. I finished ONE of my two reports but slow because i was reading manga, watching dramas and surfing the net at the same time. I'm such a procrastinator.. Haven't started on my studying yet. But I hope to finish off the second report tomorrow and then start studying. I've gathered my notes from last term tho. Like i've taken them out. Haha!

TK has been freaking me out tho. TK's been studying for the past week so scared the crap out of me whenever I'm told of what TK's studied. I hope to stay away cause I prefer not be freaked out. I'm probably not going to do as well as TK but that's to be expected. I study alot less. Plus TK absorbs stuff alot faster and self studies a helluva lot better. *sigh* I'm still waiting for that sign that I'm cut out for this course. I think I've been pretty good at scraping through each time but I'm worried of the time when my luck runs out.

Also J's been ill lately. I've been calling J every so often cause I'm actually worried. I know we haven't been close in a long time.. heck to be honest I don't have close friends nowadays. I have more like acquaintances that I like to call friends. But we have a history so.. yes I'm worried. I keep seeing flashes of what my papa went through. I think I'm a little traumatized by the event eventhough it happened so long ago..

I remember sitting on my bed when my mum told me the news and the fact that I wasn't to tell my siblings about it. I felt so numb and was in shock. I just felt like I was paralyzed and I didn't even realise that tears were just slipping out my eyes. I knew then how terrified I was. Fear isn't really that all out screaming and scrambling hectic kind of feeling. Deep fear is one that paralyses you and you feel terrified that you can't control your reactions. It is more silent that anything. If you ask why I can cry alot more easily now.. it's because of that incident I think. I still cry whenever I think of it. I remember having to cover up and act like everything is fine in front of my younger sister. I remember having to go to the hospital on the day of his operation and wait 5-6 hours outside the OT. I think the news that my dad would have a 50-50% of surviving terrified me. I kept thinking of the worst. Like what would happen in the worst case scenario. During that period of my life, I cried the most and I didn't tell anyone about it for at least 6 months after my dad was declared in remission. It was hard having to keep it to myself but I didn't feel like I had anyone at that time. I was having problems with confiding in friends due to certain circumstances. I did tell one teacher. I was expecting to make it quick but the more she asked why I had to skip a nativity practice... I had to tell her the reason.. I had to take care of my dad. I thought I was stronger than that.. but I started to cry but still I kept trying to disguise it. But when she tried to comfort me and said she would pray for me and my dad.. I just started to cry silently. Outwardly, I'm surprised how good an actor I was.. no one really questioned or suspected I was going through all that. I guess when push comes to shove.. I didn't feel like I had anyone to support me. True enough.. when I did tell a select few.. they just didn't know what to say.. and were like.. "Oh.. I'm sorry.. but your dad is okay now right?" This was probably why I never said anything cause God knows what they would know what to do if i really needed their support.. so I kinda waited till I was able to deal with the emotions nonchalantly..I prayed fervently during that period of time. Surprisingly, I didn't blame the Lord but I just prayed that he gave me strength for that period of time and that he would help my dad get better.

Even now... a few months ago when P and I were close.. I found out that my dad was ill again but I was told with ulcers only.. but in the same area of his cancer.. hence.. I was terrified again.. I was worried that my mum was concealing from me the severity of his illness like she did to my elder sister who was in UK at the time. I couldn't sleep... I was scared.. and I just wanted to cry.. probably because I wasn't at home.. I went weak and I sought P out.. I ended up crying in her arms as silent as I could cause T was in the room.. I only wanted to talk but ended up crying.. after that incident I felt weak.. cause rarely people have seen me cry.. I was a little ashamed...I hate feeling like that.. T left the room when I was talking is low tones to P.. P wasn't much help but P didn't pretend to know how to deal with me.. P just cried along with me. Surprisingly, I did feel a little better and more able to deal with the fear rooted deep within. T came back around 4 am later on.. and advised me a bit. I'm forever grateful for that.. and it made me feel a little resentful that the people I called my friends were not able to support me then.. or rather I didn't let them.. but I knew their natures.. they would not be able to support me... In the end... my mum told me that it was ulcers.. but I'm still a little worried.. Then again.. I'm just putting it out of my mind.. and hoping for the best.

I don't know whether I'm as strong as I make myself out to be.. Sometimes I feel like I'm an emotional wreck. On the outside, I know people think that I'm strong.. cause i want to be and i want people to see me that way.. but.. I fear for the day that someone realises that I'm easily crushed.. when that day comes.. I'll probably run..I don't know how this post became all emo but.. I guess.. whenever i hear of something similar to what my dad went thru I get scared of losing people I care for again. I have loads of fears.. one of which is losing people I care for. But rationally... i know I have to let people go.. but it makes me depressed. I guess I wish for someone to call my own? like a friend to keep for myself.. but that isn't possible is it? haha.. maybe a robot friend that will never betray you.. Humans are so fallible..

Anyway.. I'm going to stop here...

jue ding

I've decided something.. or rather some things.

Number 1: I've decided to stop lamenting about not having a bf. I mean just cause everyone around me is popping up as a couple doesn't mean that I have to. Yes, it's envious but I've decided to stop thinking about how to meet new guys and assessing whether they're interesting enough to get to know. I'll enjoy being single and wait till i've finished my degree before thinking about irritating things like that. If it happens it happens if not I should get on and think about how to make my life more interesting by its self right?

Number 2: I've decided to say "I love you" to at least 1 person a day. To increase and encourage a more positive outlook. Lol! I've taken upon myself to say i love you randomly to my girl friends and my family =D Their reactions are funny. Actually, I've found it harder to say it to my parents. I don't know why.. It's not that I don't love them it's more like it's awkward cause we're not that kind of family.. we don't really talk about our feelings and emotions with each other. So like when they have said it to me.. I.. just feel awkward.. is that weird? I wonder if that's a bad thing.

Okie that's pretty much it.. But I have to say i'm happy today in the sense i got to chill out today.. why? Cause I've finished my reports and my ND project. Happy! Problem? Not doing any exercise and just pigging out on junk food... *sigh* Yea.. fat.. That's what I should be focusing on.. reducing it.. plus studying for exams!!

right that's it.. over and out

On the outside looking in..

First off... it stopped snowing.. and all the snow melted today. It was kind of disappointing.. I felt super cheerful when there was so much snow.. but now that it's gone I felt a little sad.

I don't know but I feel a little apart from my housemates. I wonder whether all my mean and blue vibes got to them last week. Also, I'm a little worried. Y seems a little angry at me.. or you could say cold-shouldered. I wonder whether it was about the incident. But it couldn't be. Other than that I can't think of anything that would cause this weirdness. Y is also being much nicer to P than me which is strange. Then again P is really manja soo.. maybe that's the cause.. haha you could say P demands the attention. Maybe I'm just being hypersensitive and seeing things that aren't there.

I really do push people away I think. It's a problem. I'm nice in the beginning but I can't be nice all the time... and then people get offended. I guess it's a personality problem. It's proabably why I don't have that many real friends.

I've to go dancing tonight.. but I have.. 3 lab reports to finish which i'm not even halfway through.. and then I've still got that nutrition and diet leaflet.. and now i've got an oral report to finish before tuesday. God.. I hate my life as a dental student at the moment!

Over.. and out..

Chocolate Ice

snow... a heavy blanket of snow

Phoebe and I being weird! Actually I insisted... =O


Joshua's preggers! OMG!

*************

It snowed yesterday!! I told P and J about the whole incident on Friday night. J insists that it was action while P insists that.. it was just an overly friendly guy. Hahha. Oh well it's over and done with.

It has been snowing since yesterday on and off! I hope it continues. It's gorgeous!!! We had snowball fights yesterday night at 12.30 am till like 1.30 am then we came back in. It was fun. We had 5 tiny snowmen on our door fence.

I insisted on taking photos.. erm.. in the house just to commemorate the day that we all played snow properly for the first time as a whole house. Photos to follow!




Housemates on a snowy night..


Lol...


Housemates on a snow night!


Joshua trying to be aegyo and failing! lol


This was what I ate in london at a jap restaurant! Katsu-don! yummy..



I wanted this soooo badly.. but when i finally decided to get it.. it was gone.. gorgeous isn't it!

Woah...

I've been pretty moody the last couple of days. I was moody last night for all the reasons stated in prev posts as well.. but.. omg.. I was up till 7 am this morning. I only slept at 7am. and then i woke up at 11.30. Why was I up? I was talking to a new friend on the couch and lost track of time. I haven't had that much rapport with anyone in a long time. Granted, I had quite a number of drinks which loosened our tongues and was pretty relaxed. But what I'm hyper aware of right now was that i was on the couch with the guy and he had his arm around me and hugged me a couple of times. I dunno. I'm hypersensitive that haha it did feel nice to be with someone in a comfy cuddly position. But talking about feelings wise? hahaha i dunno i think i was comfy cause he felt like an older brother or something cause c'mon the dude has a gf of more than 5-6 years and he's older than me by 6 years. Hahaha.. imma a kid. I will never get into something like that even if i did have feelings for the guy. It's not within my moral principles. All that's made me feel was that I'm even more longing for someone to soba ni iru yo.. On a nice note, that incident brought me out of my funk... so thanks. =D

*sigh* Lol i'm pretty shy without the alcohol.

All I can say.. is *grins* that it was an experience. I'm now more aware and should be watching the number of drinks now. God.. i'm so tired now.. I bought my dance shoes finally and it cost me 60 quid. I don't know why I keep spending money. aghhh..

Tried a new place for lunch today. it's called "nudo" as in noodle house but what the heck? nudo? i was thinking nude.. plus the place inside is pretty posh-ish.. the food isn't that fantastic tho. It's edible but not super. I shared one bowl with P cause I doubt I could finish a whole one since i did have like a bowl of cereal 2 hours before. I bought stuff in prep for kimbap and other things i'd like to attempt to make i.e. chicken rice and pai kut fan.

K... over and out! =D

Goo jun pyo!

I haven't posted since last week. T was here then so I didn't really have time to post anything. The last couple of days I've just been feeling really tired. The stupid headphone site has ripped me off.. I'm demanding a refund. I hope that I'll be compensated. *sigh* scammers.

P has been getting on my nerves the last couple of days. I think the reason I want to keep this site kinda private is because I want to complain and vent my frustrations here without a real audience. It doesn't mean that I like the people I complain about any less.. it just means that they are irritating me and to prevent their "delicate"sensibilities from being stomped on.. I have to shut up and vent elsewhere. But coming back to the irritation at hand.

I've promised to go travelling with P but I partly regret my decision because the deciding process is damn annoying. She also pretty much guilted me into going. P is pretty spoilt so can't put up with certain things. Sharing a bathroom with strangers cannot. But want the cheapest. wth? Tickets to london return for about 30 pounds is damn cheap yah! but no must be below 20 pounds. OMG! wtf? from NCL okay! but wants to stay in a hotel! cheap hotel? uhh.. in LONDON? with ensuite bathroom? If you're so concerned about money then SUCK IT UP! sheesh. so have to compromise.. stay further away but travelling will be expensive. but no its okay for them cause they will be buying day passes so they will be hopping on and off the damn tube. Erm.. that's fine for you but what about me? I'm using an oyster. being lazy like that means i'll be spending a ton! sheesh. She's usually quite concerned about her own comfort but when it comes to concerning others.. she's not that nice. I mean she'll pretend to give in but you can obviously see she's upset and hence will guilt you and have a black face the whole time. Really.. it annoys me when she's like that. I wonder whether its the having a significant other thing. She's usually not that annoying unless she's serious with a guy. maybe cause she expects the guy to make sure he's on her side to make sure that she gets want she wants. Or she's getting used to whining and getting what she wants. Manja/guilt to him honey... not to me! * sigh* I keep feeling like I have to bite my tongue and now that's making me short tempered around her. Especially, since she ignores me most of the time and is with him all the time. Whatever, please don't find me if got problems. Frustrating to say.. but I know I'll still be there for her even if she irritates the hell out of me. I'm such a pushover. I want to watch a musical maybe I'll just go on my own. She's not that interested and I feel like i'm forcing her to go. Ah screw it.. I think i'll mention to her that maybe it's better I just go musical on my own and she can go dating with him.

I miss having single friends. I mean wth? why is everyone getting attached...

Maybe i'll ask C to come but I think she has to go church.

On a brighter note, I've been following the korean drama series version of hana yori dango. The boys are adorable! I still like that character... goo jun pyo more than ji hoo. *grins * and this time I can stomach his appearance cause i think he's goooood looking. Jerry Yan was NOT! even the jap one was not good looking but I loved his character the interpretation of it. I think this drama series rarely gets old. Haha! I'm just an incurable romantic I suppose.

Right now I have 3 lab reports to get done and I haven't really started.. ugh.. as well as a nutrition and diet project. so irritating.

The weather as also been gloomy and cold. *sigh again*

Oh yea, I learnt the fox trot yesterday. It was DIFFICULT! and I suck at it. But if I ever get it.. it would be so awesome!!! On that subject, I met 3 new malaysians at foundation level. It was so strange... dunno why.

Badminton tooooonighhttt!! woo hoo! I really look forward to these badminton things. =D I hope that I'm improving.

I really should be going to the gym but I don't have the drive to. I really suck in that aspect. No will power. haha! I'm distracted by the continuous marathon watching of "house" that I've been doing. Such an incredible series. I love it cause it's addictive.

Over and Out!

Gong Xi Fa Cai!

I'm tight on time right now. I'm in between of classes. But I was just thinking that I haven't posted in days. Reason for that? T was here for the weekend! It was nice having the company. It felt too short cause I feel extra apologetic that I didn't get to "pei" her for one of the 2 full days she was here.

Other than that, I just wanted to say

GONG XI FA CAI

I'll post more later when I get a bit of time to myself. Lord, I'm exhausted!

Cheers!

I'm gonna be a bad girl.. a bad bad girl!

I have no intentions of doing any exercise today.. I feel so guilty. But I'm tired and I don't have to drive for it. And I ate more today. so bad...

Tomorrow T is coming! Yay! I feel bad that I'll have to ditch T on friday cause I'll be having classes solid from 9-5. =(

I keep intending to give P the cold shoulder cause it seems like P isn't bothered that she doesn't see me much. Oh well.. comes with the territory of a new beau. And I can't muster up the energy to be all cold shoulder-y(?) Haha

Hrm... I want my head phoooooones... when are they gonna coooooome???

I've been following "Boys Before Flowers" the new korean ver. of hana yori dango. I swear this show is a classic. And no matter how many times it is made it will pull in a number of fans. It has had a chinese and a jap ver made and the jap one just tops it all. I'm right now measuring up the korean one. So far the korean one has hot guys. So I'm happy. It is the only one where you didn't have to start liking the guy cause of his character. These guys are simply good looking right off the bat. Acting wise.. not too sure yet. The jap one was the best at that.

I've also been watching s'porean dramas that P lent me. I think it's cause I'm bored and have nothing to do. Well... I'm procrastinating.. what more can I say.

I feel a need for chocolate... mmm choco choco choco...

Just another boring day

I went to the gym again! Play badminton first with C and JJ cause class let out early. I couldn't do much gym today though. Having tummy pains. Feeling extra tired so I went to nap which I never do for abt 3 hours. I hope I can sleep tonight as well. *grins* maybe all the sleep will make my skin look nicer. Da Botox sleeping effect! Haha!

I'm a little more cheerful today. Perhaps that bad spell was just due to hormones. Omg.. we have cable now. It's so strange watching tv after so long. Whose line is it anyway was on. The show is still funny and it cracked me up.

S was here today..again. After finding out that S had a sig other. I've stopped thinking about any potential. Now.. looking at S as just a friend. Hmm.. I have the worse luck. Oh well.. Life goes on.

Tomorrow I have a tough morning. Dr. B for two lectures.. oh dear... and then a quiz which I doubt I'm gonna study for cause it's not graded.

I'm kinda sleepy again.

Oh I had a proper breakfast and lunch today. Geh.. I hope it doesn't make me gain weight though. I'm contemplating whether to have a proper dinner cause of the tummy pains which cause me to not really have any hunger twinges.

OH yea... We had the oral presentation today. It kinda was.. hmm.. no words can describe it. We kinda just shoved people to the front to speak. You could obviously see that we weren't prepared. Part of the reason was because of that girl, MZ! Geez. I mean I was defending her last year cause I thought our group was just being unreasonable but for this incident. I'm pretty irritated with her. She didn't do ANYTHING for the presentation . Yes, yes I know that it wasn't formally marked. But at least she should have turned up for the presenting part. Because she didn't come the slides that she was supposed to present threw us off guard. The worst bit about it was, JJ and I told her that we were meeting up and to meet up after the lecture. But she was no where to be seen! Then, today she didn't show up for the presenting bit and she didn't even TELL US she wasn't coming. Oooh.. boiling mad.

Okay. Other than that. That's pretty much it. I'm glad I don't really have to be eloquent in this blog. Cause its for my eyes only! *grins * the privacy is pretty good!

Today

Hmm.. C and JJ came out with me today to have lunch and do a little bit of shopping. I think they knew I was down yesterday and were trying to cheer me up. They're so good. I wish I were such a nice person. I bought an alarm clock..cheapo one.. to replace the one that I STILL CANNOT FIND! argh! My room is so small! Why can't I find the darn thing? so irritating.

Everyone in the house is still in exam mode. At least by tomorrow one of them will be relieved .. then the next day one more. I can't wait till T comes this thursday. It'll be great to have someone come visit me finally.

Tomorrow I have an presentation. I'm the first speaker and I'm also the one that freaking made the whole presentation. so nyeh.. I've done my part. Oh well I hate researching. At least I didn't have to do that. This friday I have lab. *sigh* I won't be able to spend time with T that day. Friday is always so busy busy.

I'm thinking of buying a heater. Should I? hrm.. we'll see how cold my room gets. It seems like the heating a little bit more on now so it should suffice.

I'm kinda dieting? I dunno I am eating less and I've been to the gym more. I'm not losing any weight tho. *sigh* it kinda sucks and is depressing. I'm dying for biscuits and ice-cream. Why oh why do all the best & yummy things in the world have to be bad for you. It's not fair I tell you!

Okay! I'm off to try and get Russel Peters off my housemate! * excited* bye bye

Lost sensations

The gym was closed.. I forgot.. that it closes early on weekends.

I feel like today that I've lost my appetite. I've only had a bowl of veggies.. and one tiny yoghurt drink. I've felt once in a while a bit of hunger.. but nothing that I can't suppress.. Even the veggies felt like I had to force myself to eat them.. It was like my tongue was numb. I couldn't taste the natural flavours of it like I usually can. I could only taste the salt that I sprinkled on it and the heat from the black pepper. Am I losing my sense of taste? All I feel like doing is staring at nothing.. and crying. The hours feel long yet short at the same time. I don't actually want to cry but I feel like that is only thing my body is capable of doing.

Am I really slipping into depression? I've always said before that I go into bouts of depression but.. this is the first time I've felt it so strongly.. and not over anything big. I'm kinda worried. Maybe I should cry.. just do one long and purging crying session instead of suppressing it.

It's the first time I've posted so much. 4th post and counting in less than 2 days. Is it normal to feel like this? I can't even fake a smile. When I talk to people I feel like plastic.. trying to stop feeling teary. What the hell is going on?

Someone...Anyone.. please help pull me out of this depression..

Sunday..

I woke up.. found out that my plans to go out has fallen through again. F has "put aeroplane" on me again. Worse is I've involved JJ. Made plans to go out with JJ earlier but changed it cause of F. Then JJ couldn't make it when I asked whether it was okay to go back to the original plans.

This is probably the 5/6 time that F has done this. I don't know.. P says that F isn't a real friend. Sometimes I do think that.. but other times.. I remember how much F and I fought to make our friendship the way it is.. It is relatively stable. Maybe I'm kidding myself. But I've taken measures though. I used to think I had to invest so much time into our friendship. But now I just can't be bothered.. I don't have the energy. I'm not actually angry. I guess I feel numb to it now. I suppose F had a reason this time. Health reason. Oh well... Life hasn't been very great to me late in terms of socially.

I can't wait till my earphones arrive. I think I'll go to the gym today. I'm kinda worried. I've been doing more exercise lately but my weight isn't dropping. I've been cutting down on my food intake as well. It seems like I'm gaining weight or staying the same. My metabolism seems to be slowing down even further. Ever since that scare about having hypothyroidism in the summer.. part of me has had mixed reactions to it. One part feels like it would like to have the condition so that I'd have something to blame my enormous weight. The other is scared that I actually have it... and it's manifesting itself even though evidence claimed that I didn't have it.. well not yet.. I mean I would have to take medicine for life if that were the case. But really.. why am I like this? I can't love myself entirely cause I abhor my weakness.. the weak will and the grotesque weight I hold. If I can't love myself.. I'm not fit to have anyone else love me right? So depressing..

There has to be something wrong with me.. I can't seem to get through this barrier that has come back to haunt me time and time again. Why am I so flawed.. I feel really emo today.. I hate myself for it. Why couldn't I be stronger... why couldn't I be more content with who I am. Sometimes I feel happy with who I am. What is this evil thing inside me that keeps questioning my worth.

Forget it lah.. Perhaps.. I'm just unlikeable inside.. which is why it translates to the outside.

I sorted out my notes for uni... finally. The other thing I have to do is at least start sorting out my account again. I haven't done it for a month. Money has been flying out of my account at an alarming rate. I haven't been able to save money.. like I did last year. It's quite sad. And here I am still thinking of what else I have to buy. *sigh* It's an illness..

P has been studying hard and hanging out with T all the time. Strangely enough... I miss P's presence. But I guess I should have been more prepared for this. P is the type of person that when falls for a person would spend all the time with that person.. not purposely forgetting other people. I want to bear a grudge but I can't. I can't say I'm not disappointed though.. because I'd be lying.

F is with J as well. I don't know. I wish people would stop going away from me. Like as if I'm something to be enjoyed when they don't have a significant other. I can only say.. I hope I'm not going to be like that if I ever..*slim chance* ever get a significant other. But then again by that time I probably won't have friends anymore and will cling to the sig. other for companionship.

T is with L. They're joined at the hip. I like L though.. in a purely friendship way so I don't mind them. It's envious though.

God.. I'm probably the only one alone. I've been alone for the 20 years of my life. I'm guessing the pattern will continue for another 20 years.

Stress from school has really been getting to me. I don't actually do anything though. It's just.. so frustrating. Something my friend said struck me. "I wish for one day.. I would just not exist. Don't want to die.. just not exist for a day so that I won't feel any emotion."

I think it must be that time of the month. Perhaps that is why I'm so emo. I hope that's the reason.

I don't know what else to say so I'm signing off here.

To "Him"

I miss you eventhough I know not who you are.

I want to know everything about you... eventhough I know not who you are.

I hope to love you with everything in me...eventhough I know not who you are.

I wish with all my might that you may see me past all my insecurities and barriers and love me

I wish you were here beside me to hold and protect me.

But most of all... I wish to meet you so we can start our journey together.

Wherever you are... I hope you will be happy and healthy.

If we don't meet in this lifetime.. I will wait for you in the next..

I love you.. whoever you are...

Testing.. and Official first post

Welcome to Messy Simplicity. Officially opening on the 17th of January 2009! Woooo!

I've decided to open a proper online journal. One that I can really write what I think and such without complete censorship. I'm probably not going to be updating much but I'd really like a place where I can just blog about what has upset me that day or what has made me happy. Inane things like that. I've shared a blog with other people for years and it seems like they are all just drifting away.. leaving the blog less and less updated to the point where it is pretty much abandoned. I'm not saying that I'm not guilty of this myself.

Why Messy Simplicity? Cause Organised Mess was taken. Hahaha. Messy for my random thought process and Simplicity just to be contrary, to reflect my conflicting sides.

I cried alot today. Watching dramas for one thing.. and another just letting out the stress that has been building up. I feel apologetic for letting out at my mum. But she was being awesome even though I didn't appreciate it at that point in time. She didn't mind and she welcomed me to do so.

Gosh.. I'm becoming a veritable leaky tap. Perhaps, it's age.

Something else has been bothering me. The fact that everyone around me has been popping up all couple like. It's like a field blossoming into daises or something. I am happy for them but obviously I'm not a saint. I'm going to be envious and sometimes it is a little irritating. It also makes me think.. well maybe I should start preparing to be a spinster. Obviously, I'm not easily to be liked/loved. Or it could be my complex with men. I find men to be lacking. But the ones that aren't.. are usually attached or gay. *sigh* I do try to be happy for all the happy couples around me. I wish them the best of luck. I'll just have to stay away from them unless it's only for a short period that I have to endure the sickly lovey dovey gestures and looks. I'm going to puke..

Haha! I sound a little bit man-hating. Oh well! I am not really... I think I'm an incurable romantic. I build up a really tough exterior... protective mechanism really. And perhaps I'm worried I'm fragile inside. It hasn't really been tested so I don't really know.. Geh! this post is becoming way too self reflecting. I meant for it to be short. I guess I didn't realise how many things I've kept in my head. I miss writing. Other than for that epic piece of fiction I wrote so long ago.. I haven't written anything. I suppose this blog will be my next endeavour.

That's it! Sayonara!