I studied quite solidly today. well it took me from like 10 am in the morning to 3 pm to actually get started.
So i'm quite pleased. I'm trying not to let the panic set in.
I think I'm going try and kill myself going to the gym after my exams. That's my goal!
On a happy note.. my easter holidays is going to be full! I hope I keep my energy levels up! going to london first 2 days after holls start. YAY! gonna watch wicked! I hope P and I can bond again there but if not.. hahah Y is going to have to keep me company. Technically, I start my holls right after exams.. haha i have like 10 days before holls start where I can bum around! Then going to bulgaria for skiing on the 29th of Mar for a week then back on The 5th and off again on the 12th to prague- vienna-london! and back here in time for 2 days before school starts. It's going to be awesome! Have to stay in a good mood tho in spite of the tiredness!
If I pass this exam... then i'm quite home free I think at the moment.. well that's how I'd like to think.. so aja! aja! hwaiting! must do craniofacial development and dental tissues over the weekend. THen, I would have done 4 topics. And I'd just have to cover OE, BP mainly next week.. and perhaps read ND and BSD.
Other things to think about.. I hope J is okay in s'pore.. I haven't hear from J since she left. I miss L alot now.. I hope that I'll hang out with her during the summer again. I bet I'll end up doing that cause everyone else kinda ditches me during the summer. That's partly true but the other truth is that I feel left out even if I do go out with them. Plus everyone's all attached like. It's not a good atmosphere for singles.
I've been really good at procrastinating lately. geh.. as usual.. i'm prone to it during exam period. Actually, I wanna make truffles.. Hmm.. I'll try it during my break. which will be awesome! =D
Kay! Over and out!
Friday 27 February 2009
Saturday 21 February 2009
Life from my little room!
I pretty much stayed in my room the whole day. Basically, hermitizing myself. I got something done tho albeit SLOWLY and at the pace of a sloth. I finished ONE of my two reports but slow because i was reading manga, watching dramas and surfing the net at the same time. I'm such a procrastinator.. Haven't started on my studying yet. But I hope to finish off the second report tomorrow and then start studying. I've gathered my notes from last term tho. Like i've taken them out. Haha!
TK has been freaking me out tho. TK's been studying for the past week so scared the crap out of me whenever I'm told of what TK's studied. I hope to stay away cause I prefer not be freaked out. I'm probably not going to do as well as TK but that's to be expected. I study alot less. Plus TK absorbs stuff alot faster and self studies a helluva lot better. *sigh* I'm still waiting for that sign that I'm cut out for this course. I think I've been pretty good at scraping through each time but I'm worried of the time when my luck runs out.
Also J's been ill lately. I've been calling J every so often cause I'm actually worried. I know we haven't been close in a long time.. heck to be honest I don't have close friends nowadays. I have more like acquaintances that I like to call friends. But we have a history so.. yes I'm worried. I keep seeing flashes of what my papa went through. I think I'm a little traumatized by the event eventhough it happened so long ago..
I remember sitting on my bed when my mum told me the news and the fact that I wasn't to tell my siblings about it. I felt so numb and was in shock. I just felt like I was paralyzed and I didn't even realise that tears were just slipping out my eyes. I knew then how terrified I was. Fear isn't really that all out screaming and scrambling hectic kind of feeling. Deep fear is one that paralyses you and you feel terrified that you can't control your reactions. It is more silent that anything. If you ask why I can cry alot more easily now.. it's because of that incident I think. I still cry whenever I think of it. I remember having to cover up and act like everything is fine in front of my younger sister. I remember having to go to the hospital on the day of his operation and wait 5-6 hours outside the OT. I think the news that my dad would have a 50-50% of surviving terrified me. I kept thinking of the worst. Like what would happen in the worst case scenario. During that period of my life, I cried the most and I didn't tell anyone about it for at least 6 months after my dad was declared in remission. It was hard having to keep it to myself but I didn't feel like I had anyone at that time. I was having problems with confiding in friends due to certain circumstances. I did tell one teacher. I was expecting to make it quick but the more she asked why I had to skip a nativity practice... I had to tell her the reason.. I had to take care of my dad. I thought I was stronger than that.. but I started to cry but still I kept trying to disguise it. But when she tried to comfort me and said she would pray for me and my dad.. I just started to cry silently. Outwardly, I'm surprised how good an actor I was.. no one really questioned or suspected I was going through all that. I guess when push comes to shove.. I didn't feel like I had anyone to support me. True enough.. when I did tell a select few.. they just didn't know what to say.. and were like.. "Oh.. I'm sorry.. but your dad is okay now right?" This was probably why I never said anything cause God knows what they would know what to do if i really needed their support.. so I kinda waited till I was able to deal with the emotions nonchalantly..I prayed fervently during that period of time. Surprisingly, I didn't blame the Lord but I just prayed that he gave me strength for that period of time and that he would help my dad get better.
Even now... a few months ago when P and I were close.. I found out that my dad was ill again but I was told with ulcers only.. but in the same area of his cancer.. hence.. I was terrified again.. I was worried that my mum was concealing from me the severity of his illness like she did to my elder sister who was in UK at the time. I couldn't sleep... I was scared.. and I just wanted to cry.. probably because I wasn't at home.. I went weak and I sought P out.. I ended up crying in her arms as silent as I could cause T was in the room.. I only wanted to talk but ended up crying.. after that incident I felt weak.. cause rarely people have seen me cry.. I was a little ashamed...I hate feeling like that.. T left the room when I was talking is low tones to P.. P wasn't much help but P didn't pretend to know how to deal with me.. P just cried along with me. Surprisingly, I did feel a little better and more able to deal with the fear rooted deep within. T came back around 4 am later on.. and advised me a bit. I'm forever grateful for that.. and it made me feel a little resentful that the people I called my friends were not able to support me then.. or rather I didn't let them.. but I knew their natures.. they would not be able to support me... In the end... my mum told me that it was ulcers.. but I'm still a little worried.. Then again.. I'm just putting it out of my mind.. and hoping for the best.
I don't know whether I'm as strong as I make myself out to be.. Sometimes I feel like I'm an emotional wreck. On the outside, I know people think that I'm strong.. cause i want to be and i want people to see me that way.. but.. I fear for the day that someone realises that I'm easily crushed.. when that day comes.. I'll probably run..I don't know how this post became all emo but.. I guess.. whenever i hear of something similar to what my dad went thru I get scared of losing people I care for again. I have loads of fears.. one of which is losing people I care for. But rationally... i know I have to let people go.. but it makes me depressed. I guess I wish for someone to call my own? like a friend to keep for myself.. but that isn't possible is it? haha.. maybe a robot friend that will never betray you.. Humans are so fallible..
Anyway.. I'm going to stop here...
TK has been freaking me out tho. TK's been studying for the past week so scared the crap out of me whenever I'm told of what TK's studied. I hope to stay away cause I prefer not be freaked out. I'm probably not going to do as well as TK but that's to be expected. I study alot less. Plus TK absorbs stuff alot faster and self studies a helluva lot better. *sigh* I'm still waiting for that sign that I'm cut out for this course. I think I've been pretty good at scraping through each time but I'm worried of the time when my luck runs out.
Also J's been ill lately. I've been calling J every so often cause I'm actually worried. I know we haven't been close in a long time.. heck to be honest I don't have close friends nowadays. I have more like acquaintances that I like to call friends. But we have a history so.. yes I'm worried. I keep seeing flashes of what my papa went through. I think I'm a little traumatized by the event eventhough it happened so long ago..
I remember sitting on my bed when my mum told me the news and the fact that I wasn't to tell my siblings about it. I felt so numb and was in shock. I just felt like I was paralyzed and I didn't even realise that tears were just slipping out my eyes. I knew then how terrified I was. Fear isn't really that all out screaming and scrambling hectic kind of feeling. Deep fear is one that paralyses you and you feel terrified that you can't control your reactions. It is more silent that anything. If you ask why I can cry alot more easily now.. it's because of that incident I think. I still cry whenever I think of it. I remember having to cover up and act like everything is fine in front of my younger sister. I remember having to go to the hospital on the day of his operation and wait 5-6 hours outside the OT. I think the news that my dad would have a 50-50% of surviving terrified me. I kept thinking of the worst. Like what would happen in the worst case scenario. During that period of my life, I cried the most and I didn't tell anyone about it for at least 6 months after my dad was declared in remission. It was hard having to keep it to myself but I didn't feel like I had anyone at that time. I was having problems with confiding in friends due to certain circumstances. I did tell one teacher. I was expecting to make it quick but the more she asked why I had to skip a nativity practice... I had to tell her the reason.. I had to take care of my dad. I thought I was stronger than that.. but I started to cry but still I kept trying to disguise it. But when she tried to comfort me and said she would pray for me and my dad.. I just started to cry silently. Outwardly, I'm surprised how good an actor I was.. no one really questioned or suspected I was going through all that. I guess when push comes to shove.. I didn't feel like I had anyone to support me. True enough.. when I did tell a select few.. they just didn't know what to say.. and were like.. "Oh.. I'm sorry.. but your dad is okay now right?" This was probably why I never said anything cause God knows what they would know what to do if i really needed their support.. so I kinda waited till I was able to deal with the emotions nonchalantly..I prayed fervently during that period of time. Surprisingly, I didn't blame the Lord but I just prayed that he gave me strength for that period of time and that he would help my dad get better.
Even now... a few months ago when P and I were close.. I found out that my dad was ill again but I was told with ulcers only.. but in the same area of his cancer.. hence.. I was terrified again.. I was worried that my mum was concealing from me the severity of his illness like she did to my elder sister who was in UK at the time. I couldn't sleep... I was scared.. and I just wanted to cry.. probably because I wasn't at home.. I went weak and I sought P out.. I ended up crying in her arms as silent as I could cause T was in the room.. I only wanted to talk but ended up crying.. after that incident I felt weak.. cause rarely people have seen me cry.. I was a little ashamed...I hate feeling like that.. T left the room when I was talking is low tones to P.. P wasn't much help but P didn't pretend to know how to deal with me.. P just cried along with me. Surprisingly, I did feel a little better and more able to deal with the fear rooted deep within. T came back around 4 am later on.. and advised me a bit. I'm forever grateful for that.. and it made me feel a little resentful that the people I called my friends were not able to support me then.. or rather I didn't let them.. but I knew their natures.. they would not be able to support me... In the end... my mum told me that it was ulcers.. but I'm still a little worried.. Then again.. I'm just putting it out of my mind.. and hoping for the best.
I don't know whether I'm as strong as I make myself out to be.. Sometimes I feel like I'm an emotional wreck. On the outside, I know people think that I'm strong.. cause i want to be and i want people to see me that way.. but.. I fear for the day that someone realises that I'm easily crushed.. when that day comes.. I'll probably run..I don't know how this post became all emo but.. I guess.. whenever i hear of something similar to what my dad went thru I get scared of losing people I care for again. I have loads of fears.. one of which is losing people I care for. But rationally... i know I have to let people go.. but it makes me depressed. I guess I wish for someone to call my own? like a friend to keep for myself.. but that isn't possible is it? haha.. maybe a robot friend that will never betray you.. Humans are so fallible..
Anyway.. I'm going to stop here...
Wednesday 18 February 2009
jue ding
I've decided something.. or rather some things.
Number 1: I've decided to stop lamenting about not having a bf. I mean just cause everyone around me is popping up as a couple doesn't mean that I have to. Yes, it's envious but I've decided to stop thinking about how to meet new guys and assessing whether they're interesting enough to get to know. I'll enjoy being single and wait till i've finished my degree before thinking about irritating things like that. If it happens it happens if not I should get on and think about how to make my life more interesting by its self right?
Number 2: I've decided to say "I love you" to at least 1 person a day. To increase and encourage a more positive outlook. Lol! I've taken upon myself to say i love you randomly to my girl friends and my family =D Their reactions are funny. Actually, I've found it harder to say it to my parents. I don't know why.. It's not that I don't love them it's more like it's awkward cause we're not that kind of family.. we don't really talk about our feelings and emotions with each other. So like when they have said it to me.. I.. just feel awkward.. is that weird? I wonder if that's a bad thing.
Okie that's pretty much it.. But I have to say i'm happy today in the sense i got to chill out today.. why? Cause I've finished my reports and my ND project. Happy! Problem? Not doing any exercise and just pigging out on junk food... *sigh* Yea.. fat.. That's what I should be focusing on.. reducing it.. plus studying for exams!!
right that's it.. over and out
Number 1: I've decided to stop lamenting about not having a bf. I mean just cause everyone around me is popping up as a couple doesn't mean that I have to. Yes, it's envious but I've decided to stop thinking about how to meet new guys and assessing whether they're interesting enough to get to know. I'll enjoy being single and wait till i've finished my degree before thinking about irritating things like that. If it happens it happens if not I should get on and think about how to make my life more interesting by its self right?
Number 2: I've decided to say "I love you" to at least 1 person a day. To increase and encourage a more positive outlook. Lol! I've taken upon myself to say i love you randomly to my girl friends and my family =D Their reactions are funny. Actually, I've found it harder to say it to my parents. I don't know why.. It's not that I don't love them it's more like it's awkward cause we're not that kind of family.. we don't really talk about our feelings and emotions with each other. So like when they have said it to me.. I.. just feel awkward.. is that weird? I wonder if that's a bad thing.
Okie that's pretty much it.. But I have to say i'm happy today in the sense i got to chill out today.. why? Cause I've finished my reports and my ND project. Happy! Problem? Not doing any exercise and just pigging out on junk food... *sigh* Yea.. fat.. That's what I should be focusing on.. reducing it.. plus studying for exams!!
right that's it.. over and out
Tuesday 3 February 2009
On the outside looking in..
First off... it stopped snowing.. and all the snow melted today. It was kind of disappointing.. I felt super cheerful when there was so much snow.. but now that it's gone I felt a little sad.
I don't know but I feel a little apart from my housemates. I wonder whether all my mean and blue vibes got to them last week. Also, I'm a little worried. Y seems a little angry at me.. or you could say cold-shouldered. I wonder whether it was about the incident. But it couldn't be. Other than that I can't think of anything that would cause this weirdness. Y is also being much nicer to P than me which is strange. Then again P is really manja soo.. maybe that's the cause.. haha you could say P demands the attention. Maybe I'm just being hypersensitive and seeing things that aren't there.
I really do push people away I think. It's a problem. I'm nice in the beginning but I can't be nice all the time... and then people get offended. I guess it's a personality problem. It's proabably why I don't have that many real friends.
I've to go dancing tonight.. but I have.. 3 lab reports to finish which i'm not even halfway through.. and then I've still got that nutrition and diet leaflet.. and now i've got an oral report to finish before tuesday. God.. I hate my life as a dental student at the moment!
Over.. and out..
I don't know but I feel a little apart from my housemates. I wonder whether all my mean and blue vibes got to them last week. Also, I'm a little worried. Y seems a little angry at me.. or you could say cold-shouldered. I wonder whether it was about the incident. But it couldn't be. Other than that I can't think of anything that would cause this weirdness. Y is also being much nicer to P than me which is strange. Then again P is really manja soo.. maybe that's the cause.. haha you could say P demands the attention. Maybe I'm just being hypersensitive and seeing things that aren't there.
I really do push people away I think. It's a problem. I'm nice in the beginning but I can't be nice all the time... and then people get offended. I guess it's a personality problem. It's proabably why I don't have that many real friends.
I've to go dancing tonight.. but I have.. 3 lab reports to finish which i'm not even halfway through.. and then I've still got that nutrition and diet leaflet.. and now i've got an oral report to finish before tuesday. God.. I hate my life as a dental student at the moment!
Over.. and out..
Monday 2 February 2009
snow... a heavy blanket of snow
Phoebe and I being weird! Actually I insisted... =O
Joshua's preggers! OMG!
*************
It snowed yesterday!! I told P and J about the whole incident on Friday night. J insists that it was action while P insists that.. it was just an overly friendly guy. Hahha. Oh well it's over and done with.
It has been snowing since yesterday on and off! I hope it continues. It's gorgeous!!! We had snowball fights yesterday night at 12.30 am till like 1.30 am then we came back in. It was fun. We had 5 tiny snowmen on our door fence.
I insisted on taking photos.. erm.. in the house just to commemorate the day that we all played snow properly for the first time as a whole house. Photos to follow!
Housemates on a snowy night..
Lol...
Housemates on a snow night!
Joshua trying to be aegyo and failing! lol
This was what I ate in london at a jap restaurant! Katsu-don! yummy..
I wanted this soooo badly.. but when i finally decided to get it.. it was gone.. gorgeous isn't it!
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