and then..

and then.. I cry...

i've tried.. and tried to look on the bright side of things but I reckon as the year is coming to an end there will be a moment when the cracks appear..

Do i not deserve a reward for keeping on going forward?

I'm just feeling a little sorry for myself at the moment and only remembering the bad moments that have happened this year..

I suppose tomorrow i'll wake with a better mindset and be back to looking on the bright side of things but for tonight i just want to be depressed. If my tummy was feeling alright.. i might be having a drink or two.. or three.. anything to dull this depression..

I mean.. i'm pessimistic but when the worst does happen i have an odd habit of looking on the bright side of things.

but for right now.. i'd like to cry about all the bad stuff that has happened..

just want something nicer to happen..

An end to a beginning

I got my results today!
and dugoon dugoon dugoon! I passed!

When I thought about the last 3 years.. it felt like it didn't really happen for a split second. And from a high school student, I'm now suddenly a 4th year. From a "fresh" 19 year old to a 22 year old in the 4th year. Only 2 more years to go if all goes well " knock on wood" before I actually graduate. With everyone graduating this year it felt like it went by way too fast. I couldn't cry.. I couldn't feel emotional because it just feels like I'll be seeing them again. THe last 3 years felt both like a the longest 3 years of my life and the quickest.

According the freshly graduated 5th years, the next two years will go by so quickly we won't even have realised that it happened.

I just felt like I had to get my thoughts into words for some reason.

Everything feels a little out of place. I haven't found "someone" yet and yet I'm entering one of the toughest 2 years of my life. I'm scared and yet I'm exhilarated that another year's gone and I'm free to be chilled again.

THis year had alot of downs.. and a few ups. Getting injured was probably the most shocking. I still feel like i haven't had closure on that and yet the end of that chapter of my life closed so anticlimatically like a badly written story.

I still am probably in a little bit of shock that I'm actually going to the next year.

A new beginning and hopefully with new resolutions, more experiences, more enrichment and more memories with the people close to my heart even if they don't know it =)

I feel that this year taught me alot of life's experiences. Taught me that my friends are real friends. Taught me to appreciate my parents fully and taught me that houses can be brilliant to live in if you have the right mix of people in it.

I'm anticipating the new year with hopefully an open mind and hope that things will turn out better than it had this year.

<3 you guys C <3<3,JW,JL,JJ.

mum left

my mum just left. when she was leaving strangely enough my chest felt tight and i wanted to tell her not go.. *shrugs* eventhough I've been thinking that it's seriously time for her to go cause.. yea my room is small.

but i did have a slight panic attack in my mind wanting her not to go.. I'm a little scared that i won't be able to cope. In fact I'm just plain terrified but I know I'll survive somehow.. but the apprehension doesn't go away even though rationally you know. Sometimes i feel like i have two minds battling for the dominant thought in my head. sounds weird i know. but whatever.

oh well.. i'm a little emo but i need to buck up and get to studying again. maybe i'll mope for an hour first.

should be doing other things

Waking up in the morning is a chore when you're in a state of crappy moodiness really. In any case, I skipped the useless lecture i had this morning and went for brunch with my mum. Lo and behold... it was shut and would only open at 12. SO! we went browsing in a nearby chinese grocery store till it opened and had ngau lam min! =D nyam.. and bought local chinese buns and egg tarts.

I honestly should be concentrating very hard right now. My exams are in exactly a week's time. *sigh* I'm stressed up to my eyeballs but somehow in the whole grand scheme of things.. I can't seem to motivate myself. Mentally knowing.. emotionally unwilling and physically confused by the two other aspects. Guess we know which aspect of my psyche is winning.

People keep saying that it was really brave of me during my accident and such. But to be honest.. it was hard to feel anything rather than cry and freak out. I mean I was freaking out but it was better for me not to make a massive hoo-ha about it cause people were already freaked out by it even without me freaking out so instead... i purposely made it a grand joke.. enjoyable for my sadistic side and for the grand masses.

Have I expressed myself emotionally since then? Well.. even during the high of the first couple of weeks... I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. For the tears and depression to come. I knew it would and it has.. albeit a bit slower and lagging that one would have imagined. I don't know.. I'd rather people not have known about it. If my mum wasn't here... heck no one would have really known. But if i were totally alone.. I might not have held back and just bawled every day. Not healthy I know. Life is hard.. how hard? don't know yet. My brilliant mum has been taking care of me. I get snappish easily.. and even tho i feel bad about being snappish its hard to bite my tongue sometimes. I just hope she understands.

Right.. other than getting emo about this...

I WON the grand prize for lucky draw of mnite! hehe! first time in my entire life which shows my luck is not to be envied. I have a feeling that the "powers that be" felt they've kicked me around a bit too much and decided to give me a break. So thanks! yay money for shopping.

kay.., that's about it.. i think i've procrastinated a bit too long. cheers y'all

Avoidance

I get the feeling that I'm being avoided.
I kind of knew that this would happen.. why? cause I'm psychic.. or rather i pick up vibes.

Heck.. I do it to people.. avoiding people lots of times but i think I should stop.. unless i'm especially good at it.

But it really sucks when you realise that it might be happening to you. Oh well.. The internet is entertaining enough. Maybe i'll go all pale with lack of sunlight and really be a hermit. lol

Books I've read?

Instructions: Look at the list and put an ‘x’ after those you have read. Tag other book nerds.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen X
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien - X
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte BronteX
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling X
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee X
6 The Bible - Some of it?
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte X
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip PullmanX
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens X
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott X
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller -
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare - Nope some of it only for lit class!
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien X
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger X
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell X
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams some of it! I'd actually love to read more!
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll X
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy -
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens X
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis X
34 Emma - Jane Austen X
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen X
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis X
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini X
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden X
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell X for lit studies again.. ugh
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown - X
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery X
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen X
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens X
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold X
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville X
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens X
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett X
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Inferno – Dante
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens - X
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White X
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle -
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton X - love enid blytoon!
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl X
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

HAHAHAHA i only read like 30 of those books... so like barely a third! kekeke

Latin... a dead language? Doesn't seem like it to me!

Found this somewhere... and thought it was brilliant!

Vivamus, mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum severiorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
soles occidere et redire possunt;
nobis cum semel occidit brevis lux,
nox est perpetua una dormienda.
da mi basia mille, deinde centum,
dein mille altera, dein secunda centum,
deinde usque altera mille, deinde centum;
dein, cum milia multa fecerimus,
conturbabimus illa, ne sciamus,
aut ne quis malus invidere possit
cum tantum sciat esse basiorum.

Let us live, my Lesbia, and love.
As for all the rumors of those stern old men,
Let us value them at a mere penny.

Suns may set and yet rise again, but
Us, with our brief light, can set but once.
The night which falls is one never-ending sleep.

Give me a thousand kisses, then a hundred.
Then, another thousand, and a second hundred.
Then, yet another thousand, and a hundred.

Then, when we have counted up many thousands,
Let us shake the abacus[3], so that no one may know the number,
And become jealous when they see
How many kisses we have shared.

Chances

I think.. the chances of that growing into something substantial... and permanent.. is diminishing.. but I can't help myself from hoping. I still just can't help hoping..

One other thing is that I've never been more appreciative of indoor running water and plumbing ever. damn weather.