Vacation!

I've been on holiday for the last week plus! Which is quite awesome since i haven't been able to let go of stress for the longest time. Results have been delayed in being published... so it's coming out maybe next week? But anyways, good news? I'm going to London tomorrow for a couple of days.

My wish? For it to go well.. for me to not lose my temper.. and for us to bond again. I'm worried that I'll be left out again cause I'm a "banana" Oh well.. that's what the ipod is for. Imma kinda just going cause i want to see wicked and also they kinda need a tour guide. What are we hoping to see? London Eye, Big Ben, Madame Tussauds, Ripleys *shiny eyes*, Wicked, Buckingham Palace and Harrods. Hehe.. I've pretty much done all these already.. except for Wicked and Harrods tho. *sigh* I guess I'm going to spend money needlessly.

Anyhoo, I'll blog about the trip when I get back! Packing at the moment.. Packing is NOT one of my favourite things.. I'll end the post with vain pictures of myself! hehe! Hey! I'm a girl! It's a right that I'll exploit!

i know..

I know I said that I wouldn't say or lament about the whole boyfriend thing. But I dunno.. Hmm.. I mean I don't actually want a boyfriend. I want to be able to "fall" for someone? Cause.. at the moment.. I usually observe guys and see that maybe they might be compatible.. but if they don't show any interest or if they show interest in other people or aren't interesting enough .. well I just lost interest.. I don't fight for it.. I don't hold on to the feeling. Basically.. I've never actually liked anyone so much that it hurt to let them go.

I know alot of people would say that it's better not to have that kind of experience cause.. lol it's not nice? I think it would be an experience for me. A new one. Probably a good one... even if it is bittersweet. Obviously, I don't expect anyone to fall for me right back. But I'd like to be able to let go of my control issues and risk adversity... and like someone wholeheartedly? This is a difficult post.

I think people like me are doomed to be old maids. If its not the personality.. well I think its probably that I'm not attractive appearance wise. Easy to believe. *shrugs* I think I'm coming to terms with it. The more the days pass and the years pass as I get older.. the more I'm coming to accept it as it is. But I hope that if I do have the luck to fall for someone completely well.. I hope I fight for it instead of giving up and letting that person go out of habit.

Lol.. Me thinks I've been reading too many shoujo mangas. I can't wait till my skii trip.. I miss people who actually like my company or people that I don't have to make the effort to make conversation. I mean I want conversation but.. nowadays it feels like such an effort to make conversation.. I feel like I want to be a recluse at times but at the same time.. feel a little lonely.

Oh yea I watched Marley and Me the other day with J. It was a good day. The movie was surprisingly touching. I was a little teary. All in all, an awesome movie!

Oh an M'nite was tonight. I feel so detached. I mean I was there.. but instead of it being such a big thing with all the intensity pressure.. i felt a little flat. I think I need a jumpstart on the adrenaline.. Maybe I need to do bungee jumping or something... Face my fears and all the jazz..

Anyway, I think I'll head off now.

Over and out

hitori... iieyo..

I'm a little emo with this post.

I'm also contemplating whether I should just let the matter be or go ahead and confront it one on one... I'm wondering whether the pro-active approach will make things worse.. It's deja vu..

I feel like I'm repeating the process of what happened 8 years ago or so.. You give your time and support as much as you can.. but upon the first opportunity presented you're dropped. It was like you served as a filler replacement only when people are lonely.

Part of me thinks I should just ignore the whole thing but the other part of me wants to see revenge.. like wtf am I being treated this way? Why is it people keep taking me for granted? And the spiteful part of me wants to just wait and see when their happy happy joy joy mood is over and when they come looking for your company or support again.. Turn away.. Hell.. i'm human. Obviously, go ahead and think I'm evil and etc etc.. but shit man.. It's ridiculous. I'm bitter over this kind of treatment. Apparently, it's sien talking to me.. ooh this is only when you have that person now. Part of me curses you to hope it all comes crashing down on you. Retribution.. But then again I don't want it.. you'll come crying to me again.. And I'm f*ckin weak for some reason. Even with all these nasty thoughts.. I will support you if you need me to.. and at the expense of my time, good humour and sanity.

At these points in time.. I wish I were cold blooded and completely devoid of emotion.