Oh crappy dull gloomy dayy...

The wind is roaring outside my window, rattling my window and roof shingles. Probably wailing its dissatisfaction with the whole weather. 

I really really wanted to study today but didn't have the energy or the willpower to do so. 

I ended up reading manga and chatting with the cousin T. She's always like this. When she's bored and found me, she won't let me go in spite of ME telling her I need sustenance. Lol! but if i'm bored and want company, she's busy and brushes me off! tsk! There needs to be a bit more balance in our relationship.

There was also something i'm incredibly disgusted at. Some people's attitudes and I'm ashamed to call them one of my family. There's a serious lack of consideration and an incredible amount of self-absorption that's incredulous. Treating my baby sister like that is a nono. It's also quite simply gross in general. I don't know how you live with yourself. 

Anyway, other than that, chatted with the baby sister today and was also annoyed that she herself didn't know how to just buy a stupid ticket back home rather than subject herself to the stupidity. Its so frustrating. 

Hmm... what else? chatted with C today =). apparently she's bought a pretty lace dress. I wanna see it!

OH YEA! my DP purchases came in the post today. Happily, the two pairs of jeans I bought fit and are comfy. me likey! I bought two floral dresses too! =O GIRLY ALERT! The most girly things I own at present. Usually, my style is fairly classic, with a bit of slight sexy? edge. Well, must take advantage of assets right? Never owned such girly items. Hope I can pull them off. 

>.<

xoxo

Birthdays, Christmas and year ends

Its almost the end of 2011 and the beginning of 2012. A year that's special to me as the marks the 2nd dozen of years i've been on this earth. The dragon year =) as well as being the year that I.. oh yes.. I, little unspecial Jamie may finally graduate and join the rest of my peers as an adult. I'm trying to prepare myself for the fact that IF i do fail.. all it means is that i get one more year as a non--adult and will defo pass the following year.

What have I been up to?

Made my friend/housemate's 21st birthday absolutely special and hopefully memorable enough that she won't forget us who took part in making it a milestone to remember. Thank you to Cl for being a great partner in crime, in spite of the volume that you speak at and the constant-ness of it. It was really excellent company and I couldn't have pulled it off without you and your very special-ness. We've made W happy and that's all that matters. I have to give myself a pat in the back because we were both pretty consummate actresses, W didn't suspect a thing but I swear the adrenaline and the antsy-ness made me crazy.

No pictures for the moment cause it was all taken on my phone and I can't be bothered to upload it except to fb.

What I can say is that, it involved a surprise treat at The Langham Hotel, London for afternoon tea where service was impeccable and food.. absolutely divine. Thanks to the staff at the hotel for being a testament to their experience and training for not looking down on us for being a little uncouth. It was the excitement and the surprise.. I SWEAR it! We're much more well behaved normally.
The day also consisted of a bit of a delicate touch to pay for her posh-ish dinner meal and to deliver her present with hints from her man with finesse. It was a day of luxury and as much as it did burn a hole in my wallet, it was worth it, to see the delight in her face. I enjoyed it as well and hence, I would applaud the day as a resounding success.

Other than that, Xmas was spent with friends the whole day. Party at JJ's house and finishing off the day with a roast lamb dinner at my house.

Thank you to my uncle, a bit random but without his tutelage, I would probably have not had such a love for food and Christmas as well as the experience to do such things. I say this because in spite of not having to roast such a large leg of lamb for a good 5-6 years, I managed to do it again with the traditional marinade we do at my house. Along with some new recipes for wholegrain mustard roast potatoes and balsamic roasted vegetables. Yummy. Also, for dessert, seeing as we are chinese people, we had tang yuen because we missed having tang yuen festival, a couple of days before.

Now, as the year ends and a fearful 6 months lay ahead of me. I'm terrified and brimming with anticipation for what the new year holds. Whatever it holds, 2011 was a pretty allright year and I hope that 2012, myself and everyone I hold dear will be healthy and relatively happy (I'm not impractical).

On one last wonderful note, baby R has been born to this world on the 21st of Dec 2011. Absolutely excited about it and elated for the happy new parents. Can't wait to see him 6-8 months down the line =D

hello again

I'm back for a while... i always feel like writing when i'm contemplative... when i feel like i don't have anyone to talk to.. pushed into a corner.. a rut.

I do feel lonely, because I don't have people willing to go the extra mile for me just cause it is nice to do so. I realise.. to do so means I have to be that way in the first place. I just feel like i need to purge this ugly feeling out of me. Is it bad to feel pleased that other people are lonely enough to be my companion?

I think that's because.. the clock is ticking.. and it feels like time is running out.. how did i grow up so quickly.. how did people move on so quickly? I do think i'll be missing out on alot. I feel like i'm not going anywhere..

I don't want to be so emo.. but it is something that just happens.. and just because people don't want to see it doesn't mean it is going to go away.

it is so hard to keep up this happy, cheerful, talkative attitude with everyone.. and when i don't do it.. people see it as me sulking or being sullen. I'm not... it just takes far too much energy to be pleasant.

I don't like feeling like i'm disliked. I don't like harbouring this dislike to for people either. It feels like poison is clogging my emotions and paralysing me. Everything has changed.. have I? have you? why does it feel like my mentality hasn't?

I'm a little worried this year.. could be stress.. could be the age.. etc but I feel cold so easily.. what happened to my heat capacity.. I'm lethargic and tired all the time. What's happening? Why do I feel like time is speeding up but I'm slowing down.

Tears come so easily now as well. I have a deceivingly tough exterior.. but truthfully.. it feels like one mean word and I'm upset so easily.

I don't know.. I just.. don't know anymore. What.. am I going to do..

Hopefully, I'll feel better tomorrow but it does feel that i get depressed so easily without provocation. I hate myself like this..

pleasure =)

I'm happy that the exams are over and for some reason even though i'm dead tired.. the adrenaline running thru my head saying ITS THE WEEKEND!! soak it up! don't sleep! is making me not sleep even tho its 1 30 am in the morning.

I'm also happy that the bbq that grew from a simple wish not to mention last minute wish at last night's dinner became a full blast grand feast this evening. Let's recap the menu!

We had...

Spicy garlic beer marinated chicken wings
Honey Lemon Wholegrain mustard chicken wings
Indian spices inspired marinated lamb chops
Thai style calamari
Korean bulgogi style belly pork

2.5 kg of potato salad.. with 14 eggs... half a block of cheese... etc etc... =)
Homemade coleslaw
Banana and Sweet potato fritters
Marshmallows

Frozen vodka mojitos
Sangria inspired fruit punch

We also had the odd cob of corn =)

Bought a bbq pit for 8 quid! how cheap is that? Oh how i love wilko!

happy days!

slump

I'm sucking in badminton lately..

My Japan elective opportunity is twarted by a natural disaster.. is it bad that i feel so annoyed by that fact rather than not being selfish and feeling bad for all the people suffering in Japan?

I have a report due.. that i am only 30% completed.. I really really don't want to do it.

I have a migraine behind my left eye..

I've been gaining weight like nobody's business.. i think its due to the stress, depression and.. just lack of caring.. then cause i've gained weight.. i get more depressed.. and the whole cycle begins again..

I have no friends to hang out with.. its a little lonely.

Exams are coming up.. and i feel like i know nothing.. oh my god.. i swear i'm so screwed.. whatever.. if i don't go for holidays.. i'll just stay here and study..

I'm tired.. and sick of everything.. 2011 is not shaping up to be a great year yet.. its better than 2010 so far.. but its not been brilliant..

I'm starting to wonder whether I'll even make it to 5th year.. I just want things to be over.. and get on with my life.

I just feel so emo and i get so angry at myself.. and then i feel emo again.. I wish I had someone care enough to pull me out of this deep hole that i just can't see light shining on me.. its becoming a small pinpoint that seems to be getting further away.

I'm done..

betrayals.

Perhaps that's too harsh a word to describe it.

But my issue is when people remark on your character disparaging it when you know that you've hardly done anything to warrant such a remark. It doesn't bother me when it's someone you don't think knows you well. It bothers me something awful when it is someone who should be close to me enough to know my character. Both times that it has happened in the span of this month.. it makes me both boiling mad and disappointed with the stab of betrayal. Its hard to forget shit like that.

As described eloquently by my good friend... it bothers you more because everyone has a certain confidence of how they portray themselves.. and when someone questions it especially if its someone close.. it makes you question and doubt yourself and it hurts deep. The second guessing drives me crazy. I don't give much of a damn if its you damaging your character.. it may be fun to analyse why you do it the way you do.. *hey i never said i was angelic*

IT f*cking pisses me off when you say something about me that is balantly untrue. Especially since there are incidents that have proven that I am not what you've accused me of. It makes me question whether you really know me at all and that's what makes my blood pressure boil.. it questions and makes me doubt my judgement.

Also.. would it kill you to give me the face when I talk to you? Don't be interested only when I've got some gossip! It makes me feel cheap that the only way you're interested in what I've got to say is if its something bad about other people. I mean i can understand if your attention wanders.. but not to completely cut me off and turn your complete attention to something you think is more interesting. I try to give you my full attention when you talk.. would it kill you to show me the same respect? Do it on the phone and i understand.. but when i'm holding eye contact with you and you completely cut me off.. that's just bad manners! like wtf.. Maybe I've judged you wrong all these years.. the same as how you've judged me when you tarred my character.

Whatever... I'm just so angry these days.. i wonder whether its the hormones..

I just feel so grey..

sometimes

Sometimes... I just want someone there to watch out for me. To pick me up when I'm down without me asking. I'm jealous of the people who have that kind of person.

*sigh* my girlfriends are too busy, I'm too reclusive. I can't seem to make myself make the effort anymore. Its just too tiring. That's a word that's in my vocab everyday. "Tired"

Boyfriend? hah.. don't even think about it. It's not the right time or place. And I don't think i can handle an emotional rollercoaster. I don't think i'm emotionally mature enough for it.

I have the feeling that people don't have a bf/gf because they aren't actually ready for one. If you think about it primitively, I reckon when you are ready for one, you send out vibes/pheromones? that will attract guys/girls to you.

So yea, I'm just not ready. But i do want just friends to pick me up when i'm down, to play with me, to support me and for me to do the same to them. I think that's why i'm so interested in kids sometimes. It's like someone who will care for you unconditionally and you have responsibility for. It's that emotional relationship. I envy that. gah.. I'm sick of the phrase that i keep hearing all the time.. you'll be a great mother. That doesn't even matter or apply. There is no mother without a father. And I can't see myself feasibly having a significant other in the next 10 years if ever.

I need a life.. or something to be "passionate" about to get me out of this rut. I'm tired of alot of things. Sometimes I just don't want to be "me". sometimes.. just sometimes...

confrontations make me lose my appetite.

F*ck this shite.. like seriously. If they thought they were so great and negotiation.. then bloody hell, negotiate properly.

The hell.. saying I'm SELFISH??? tell.. me.. how the F*ck am i selfish? accommodating? LIKE I haven't been accommodating to you? and you?

good lord.. guys and their damn egos. not that girls are any better.. but seriously.

omg.. you are so damn selfish.. Just because I had a soft spot for you does not mean you exploit it. I know that you're some kind of smooth talking salesman.. but i reckon in your damn head you believe whatever the hell you say. You really think that you're a fantastic person? f*ck that.

How f*cking dare you.. I'm selfish? Did I ambush you as you were coming in the door?

Have I ever made decisions without telling you. Have I not always talked shite over and over and over?

I resent that you think that I'm that way. I resent it completely.

I resent that you never offered and only when called on it WOULD offer like it was always on your mind. Hence, making me who called you on it feel guilty. I completely resent it!

I completely resent how you make me DOUBT who I am and push me into a corner. How can you think I won't get defensive? I called you out on one thing.. and you're totally defensive over it. screw you and your stupid high-handed morals. B*st*rd