Events, fear, graduation parties.

Right. I know that I haven't been writing lately. What with the whirlwind of exams, passing, graduation trips, near death experiences and now packing. Its just been I haven't had a quiet moment where I felt like I wanted to say something.

First off, I did my vivas, passed them.. well.. failed one of them but overall passed. Passed overall the dental degree. Received a prize for my case presentation. And was overall happy. Lots of partying later..by partying I mean FOOD!

I, then went on my graduation trip with 7 other wonderful girls.. who I may add.. we almost died together. What a way to bond isn't it? *sigh* I'm not boasting by saying that I was probably the most capable one on the trip... because I did doubt my capabilities on whether I could survive the trip. But these girls are either crazy brave or did not consider the risks at all. I'm totally impressed and exasperated with them at the same time. Either way, we all bonded really well and there were no actual upsets. I don't regret going on the trip despite almost dying. I don't even regret falling down and scraping my leg badly which went septic. I only regret my stupidity, lack of foresight and the lack of ability to say no sometimes. Either way, the trip is one that's going to stand very clear in my memories. So, thanks girls!

The other thing is packing.. I'm stressing over the packing. My room looks like a bomb hit it. I've been enlightened by Z's dad that my packing skills leave alot to be desired. ARgh.. man.. didn't think it through now did I? My head's still in the clouds. The fact that my box wouldn't even fit through the door was a bit like.. AAAAHHH!! and then.. my box is going to fall apart.. double ARGGHHH fine fine repacking it is..

A bit like I can't wait for my parents to get here and help me pack but at the same time.. I want to be pretty much 60% done before they get here.. My pride is AT STAKE! kay.. back to work, J! but before that... BADMINTON YO! I needs it!

xoxo

Tough..

Life seems so tough at times.

I feel terrible when I see people I care about in pain, knowing I can't do anything about it. It makes me feel so helpless. I wish I could take their pain and hurt on but I don't know whether I'd be strong enough to do so right now. My own emotions and fear cloud my mind and I just want it all to be over. I want the fear to go away and the trials to be over.

I pray that God gives me the strength and the calm to see this episode of my life through and then to see other parts of my life play out.

I feel like my own pathetic inner strength is insufficient and I'm tired of it. Why do I put myself through it.. I question.

Watch over me, please.. watch over my family.. and all whom I care about.

not a cloud in the sky

Its been so so hot lately. Like temperature hot. There's not a cloud in the sky! ridiculous!

I can't live in my room without my fan. I've taken to wearing the ultimate minimum eventhough i'm not comfortable baring all.

On another note, I sent my finals case presentation to print. Omg.. I can't believe i have just over week before all this horror is over. This perpetual cloud hanging over my head. Will i pass? I don't know.. i just know its going to be a horrific 48 hours.

whoosh.. today I'm off to do some tidying of my casts.. and then back home for rest and to see whether I can study again.

I'll post up some pictures next time of all the blue sky we've got. It feels like we transitioned from autumn to summer. So strange. We've not really had spring or winter.

xoxo

sorry for my previous bitterness and a birthday

I was so bitter the last couple weeks that looking over my last couple of posts has me wanting to slap myself several times.

WHY do i feel this way? because I have awakenings whereby my friends do something to make me feel so blessed to have them that.. I feel like a little idiot for thinking bad things previously.

I've had a gorgeous little 24th birthday with several gorgeous presents. They aren't super expensive like the ones i've been forking over money for a while now.. but they are definitely more precious than the money i've paid out previously.

I've been really ill the last two weeks which has messed with my mind and made me feel both very sorry for myself but also gave me the chance to see the benefits and importance of having good friends. I may not be the first thing on their mind but I know that they'll be there if i ever do need them.

I cried so much the last couple of weeks and I cried again when I received a card and some oh.. my.. gosh.. so thoughtful little packages? from JJ while I was ill. Reading the card sent me to tears like 0 to 60 in .5 seconds. Attempting to read the card to my mum to explain to her my wonderful friend JJ made me bawl again. Mum got worried! lol!

W also did her part in nursing me through and I'm very grateful. Same thing to P. Both of them were willing to make food for me while I was sick and took into account the type of food I was able to eat after I took them up on their offer. Very sweet of them. Even though I ranted about how they did get on my nerves earlier on.. I suspect it was because of the stress that was making me highly strung. I feel sorry that I ever thought things like that but hey.. I'm human. Then again, I do think I'm fairly tolerant and getting my irritation out by putting it down on paper.. so to speak makes it easier for me to tolerate stuff like that and not get annoyed by it later on.

Anyway, about my birthday.

Gorgeous weather! first bit of summer weather in ages.

I also had several surprises. First was the midnight jelly surprise! That was sweet and I was actually more pleased that it was jelly and not cake! I was semi surprised because while it did cross my mind that I might have visitors on my birthday.. I wasn't properly expecting it. Probably because I wasn't quite bothered with my birthday this year. Hence, they burst in on me while I was watching "Smash". No one ever comes into my room without knocking! Hence, SURPRISED me!

The other bit was going to town for a little chillax time which was pleasant!

Then coming home.. and getting ready for dinner at Tenji which.. was another little surprise because while I was expecting maybe one or two more people than my house, JJ's hse and K's house... I was NOT expecting that amount of ppl!

Props to W for organising it with P, I'm sure!

Another little surprise! very pleasant indeed because I haven't seen my badminton boys in ages. The fact that they took the time out for me is sweet. It strikes me that while my girls may have a separate church circle, I too, have a separate badminton circle!

Tenji's service, however, leaves much to be desired.

Then again, I wasn't concentrating on the food as, hey, I don't have much of an appetite these days. Not paying made me less obligated to eat till I wanted to puke. I must say that they probably had ALOT of MSG in their food. Cause we all came home parched. I came home parched and wanting to throw those gorgeous wedges across the room though.

So, lots of pleasant company. I did feel that I was a bit awkward and in my defense it just felt like I didn't know how to be good company especially since I haven't been out in ages and seemed like I forgotten how to socialise.

Then, came the presents. Present no.1 was from K and L. Gorgeous little "canggih" cake deco set. I'm sure I'll be playing with it soon enough. I did tease K alot about picking the present but hey.. it's my lot in life to make it appear that I don't expect anything from K or that my opinion of his sentimentality is VERY low! hahaha! <3 it though!

Second present, a little scrapbook that I REALLY didn't think that JJ would take and run with it when I mentioned it. I had a teeny hope but I figured.. the logistics of it would be too difficult and I hoped they wouldn't put themselves through the trouble! But, they did! Have I mentioned yet, that my friends are awesome? Well.. THEY SO ARE! W made it and it had her handiwork all over it. It was gorgeous! I can put my recipes in it too! Love the pictures and msgs.. and I teared a little bit but kept it in. DID not bring makeup to repair damages so no! didn't look at the scrapbook properly to avoid disaster! I know I disappointed the gang but I'm not terribly good with public displays. I LOVE it! I came home.. and looked though it properly and tears.. just tears. There's not that many messages but they were heartfelt and thinking about the time it took to put it together... its really miraculous! super human effort!

Then, 3rd present of my maxi beach dress that I was going to wait till the summer to buy! OMG.. my girls JJ, C  got it for me! I don't know whether S, CT and SY were in on it but what the hey! they are all awesome. Yay! I have no idea when they bought it!

Then came the cake. I sorta expected it but you know that feeling when you expect it but tell yourself NOT to expect it cause they'll probably get you a cake from a supermarket and honestly, that's prolly sweet enough. But they got a lovely cake from breadpoint which I'm happy with because I know everyone else would be. They did try to smush my face into the cake which btw.. NOT a tradition I'm fond of! However, I clever, lol! cause the one that tried to do it was my hsemate JN, who I've probably put the fear of JAMIE into him cause he didn't dare! hee hee! anyway still got some cream in my hair and face but altogether not awful.

Had to give a speech.. which I do dislike doing but they've all been so sweet.. had to try didn't I?

Finally, I limped home with the help of SY. Got home and another surprise from Z. My last present was an awesome awesome book. Something I on my wishlist but would probably never buy for myself. I'm still wondering HOW Z thought of such a perfect gift. Squealing commenced and I declared my love for Z. The card that accompanied it was so sweet and so was the inscription. LOVE LOVE LOVE!

I've had the most presents that were all so thoughtful today, lots of lovely surprises and lots of signs of effort indicating how much my friends think about me. Ah.. just thinking about it makes me teary again.  It was seriously.. one of the best birthdays ever and seems to feel that its quite befitting of me and who I am at the moment. Thinking back.. one of the other memorable birthdays was my 15th birthday surprised organised by my wonderful BFF and my 22nd birthday which was quiet but I really enjoyed it. I suppose while I'm envious of all the effort and maddening surprises that goes into other people's birthdays.. I'm more than content and happy to feel blessed from the quieter birthday celebrations which appears to be more of my style.

I know they may never see this... but I hope they all know that I say THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart and that my 24th birthday has been really awesome because of them, the people, and not the presents. Oh.. who am I kidding? some of it was the presents.. cause.. hey, presents come from the people right?

xoxo

Tired of coughing

I'm so tired of coughing and the aches.. I've not been this sick in 5 years.. my body hurts.. my throat is raw.. i'm coughing till i throw up in my mouth.. SO tired..

God please give me strength and the calm I'll need to get through this period in time. I know that I'm given trials and that it is in Your plan but please my ribs hurt.. my throat hurts.. my neck and back hurts.. even my head hurts. Save me. I plead for Your Light to shine upon me and those I love and care about and give both them and me, strength to push through all that stand in the way.

In the Mighty Lord's Name I pray,

Amen..

can't think..of a title.. haha

I'm sitting here in front of my laptop.. I've got exams in like i don't know 11 days? Finals.. the most important exams of my life. The exams that will push me over the border of semi-adulthood into adulthood where I'll have to have a job and make my own damn money. How scary is that thought? That your safety nets are slowly going to be pulled out from under you.

I've also been in the library for the last omg.. like 3 weeks plus? spending like 8 hours in school studying almost everyday.

Will I be able to pass with this? I feel like I should be able to but when I look at the past year papers that I have.. omg.. terrified.. could not answer them without an open book test. I think I need to take it one at a time cause I have my CDH presentation on Friday. At least if i complete that.. then that's one thing down. and there are 8 more surprises that need to be completed. Do I feel competent? I think I'm semi-competent but yea I'm still worried. I'm going to be held accountable for everything I do from post-exam onwards. AHHHH!

I've also found that, I get irritated so easily right now.. I mean these people that I'm surrounded with are so clever.. so good at retaining information. I don't think I'll ever encourage my kids to do dentistry or medicine unless they were thoroughly interested in it. I always half think it was a mistake to do dentistry but then again I can't imagine myself doing anything else but baking/cooking. Unfortunately, I can't see doing the latter as anything but a hobby.

It's also sad that i feel so darn alone, so out of the loop.

Anyway, maybe its a sign of maturity that I'm headed to the library to do some studying. I mean I don't know what to study anymore though.... which is probably why I'm reading the past year papers.. I've never been good at assimilating information and using that to apply to questions. I need examples first to follow.

I can't wait till this friday is over. Then, that's one thing done. I'm also repeating myself.

My heart feels so heavy, my body feels heavy, I feel unhealthy. Especially with my crap eating habits.

I know I should be optimistic then my luck will change.

The other thing is that... I can't believe that he didn't wait for me. like he always just leave... I WAITED that's why I was late.. how was I to know he wasn't there?

Maybe I just want people to be more considerate of me sometimes. Yea.. I'm just going to stop caring.. AGH.. I don't know.. I just don't know what I want to say anymore.. I think I'm just typing this out because I feel like this nervous energy needs to go somewhere..

Anyway, tomorrow will be another new day.. chances for positivity..

xoxo

ugly

I feel so ugly.. not just on the outside but on the inside as well.. I think i'm just in a self hating mood at the moment..

*sigh*

xoxo

strawbie cake, kitchen aid and doenjjang chigae

Finally got to use my kitchen aid today! Was eyeing and dying to use it! hee hee

Doesn't it look oh-so-awesome? Its beaaaautiful! Shiny, red, minimal noise and POWERFUL!

Well, today I managed to drag my arse to do some work for about 2 hours with Z. I'm totally slacking.. I really need a kick in the bum to do some work cause the house is just so cozy and comfy that I totally don't feel like doing any work. But anyway, as usual, it takes my lazy arse a week to settle in before I actually start doing some work. Glad to say I did =)

Anyway, made doenjjang chigae for dinner today along with left over roast duck and rice. Deee-lish. I'm totally making doenjjang chigae again, seems like a healthy alternative but it does make me eat lots of rice.
Don't have a picture of it because its ugly. I might make it again and upload a yummier looking picture.

The second attempt at the so called Japanese Christmas cake... otherwise known as the fresh cream and strawbie cake, looks much prettier than the first. Still needs soooo much tweaking tho.. Damn oven. I think I'll double the recipe next time and cook it in smaller pans. Maybe then, it won't dry out, actually cook through and stay the same darn shape!

All is not lost though, WITH the power of frosting and decorating.

Doesn't it look pretty? My Decorating skills could use somemore practice though cause under high light it looks more like this..

Can definitely see more imperfections. I did manage to even out the levels though even though my cake was actually lopsided due to the stupid cake tin. Thankfully, I've bought a new cake tin to take home with me.

I'm probably going to need a better work space and a better outfit or else, I'll get caught out again while making the cake looking like this... =O

A.K.A Miss Towel-head

xoxo

pre-v-day

Is it bad of me to say.. I dislike v-day?

its such an elitist holiday for couples. What about all the singles? Why is there not a single's day? Why must the greater proportion of the population feel ill at ease for one holiday/occasion?

I'm guessing I'll feel differently if/when I'm attached.

On a brighter note,

I made... marbled red velvet cheesecake brownies.. in the shape of hearts.. just for the occasion.

Note: use red gel colouring next time for a more vibrant colour. and get a FLAT bottomed pan. Also, increase cheesecake layer and thin out the brownie layer a bit.

And from the scraps, made heart-shaped cake truffles. - made with nutella and dark chocolate.

How does it taste? hmm.. don't know yet.. will update with pictures and a verdict.. tomorrow?

xoxo

Update:

The truffles.. 2 hearts

The marbled red velvet cheesecake brownies.. deeeelish! Creamy, chocolatey, slight hint of cheese, sticky... so yea what's not to like? Pretty heart shapes? SOLD!

So.. will you be my valentine?

food blogging

I've been reading food blogs lately.. well haha.. more than my usual amount. And it got me thinking.. should I start a food blog? but I don't know whether I'll be dedicated enough to it ?? Lol I could start out simple with just pearl milk tea or something!

I'll think about that.

Why? you ask am I thinking about doing this? Hmm.. I ask myself the same reason and the answer just seems to be that I enjoy it. I already post up all my food up on facebook.

I also spent pretty much the whole day in the kitchen. I enjoy it thoroughly. I'm happy when I'm in the kitchen of my own accord.

I enjoy my dinners with WS and the enjoyment we BOTH get when we dig into a delicious meal.

As it is, I made some adorable yet slightly failed valentine treats. Why do I do this? I don't know. I think it just to see if I can. People think I'm a great cook, but I do honestly feel that they overcompliment, purely due to the fact that most of my recipes are not of my own. I just follow people's recipes, they work and I'm happy!

Well, just to leave y'all with a happy advanced valentine's day! =)

I'm starting the week's rotation with sedation =O.

Is it bad that I'm hoping that people just don't turn up?

xoxo

terrified..

4 days..

tomorrow.. doom with dentures and Prof. T.

tuesday.. full day with written cdh mock

wednesday.. full day with competencies in the morning..

thursday.. day of doom with OS viva..

This is shaping up to be a bad week for me. I cannot wait till friday.

cakes

Saw a new cake shop in town today while taking the long route. I totally was zoning out while walking cause I ended up taking a longer route each time I needed to choose a route. *sigh* so silly. I did take the busy home though so, I guess the lazy me got fed up of my inability to focus. SO unlike my normal days where I just wanted to take the quickest route. I guess subconsciously, I didn't want to come home cause that meant i needed to study again.

I say cake shop but.. it appeared to be more of a cupcake and whoopie pie shop. I should stop in there one day before i leave. There's going to be so many things I want to do before I leave.

Listening to Kenny G at the moment seems to be the only thing that doesn't grate on my nerves at the moment. But it does make me sleepy.

Got to go to the Apple store tomorrow to get my mac fixed. 1.20 pm. I think I'll bring a book to study while perhaps waiting at the store or at starbucks.

I will defo miss newcastle when I leave for good.. however, a part of me wants to just leave all the studying and reality behind and be a good for nothing bum... so I'm looking forward to going back to Brunei and finally doing the travelling I wanted. I have to admit.. my uni life wasn't a typical student's uni life. It was influenced by the choice of course I was in. I wasn't and am not free to enjoy the uni bum life as other students are, but I reckon it probably prepared us more for the next phase in our lives. That's the situation I keep finding myself in. Choosing a not so easy path for the betterment of moving onto the next phase of my life.. Sometimes I feel that I shouldn't do that cause then when will it end.

Oh my this post is getting a little morose. I end it here cause I'd rather not be depressed after writing this just when I got myself out of my funk.

Till next time

xoxo

breakdowns... the first of many

I had a bit of a rough week.

I was beyond stressed.. and in retrospect.. i should be stressed but not to the point of a breakdown.

I've had two. Its probably because I had family near by.. and if people ask me about what is causing my distress.. that's the trigger point. I reckon if I wasn't asked.. i'd be okay eventually.

What worries me is that I've broken down so early on.. the road is a couple of months long and it predicts even more breakdowns.

I pray for strength and calm.

I've got the second mock. My first ever viva on Tuesday. I'm terrified... I just hope the fear won't stop me from performing adequately.

Wish me luck!

I also feel sorry for the rest of my patients who've had to go through difficulty recently. I pray for their peace as well.

 Just a little something to brighten everyone's day.

xoxo

and so.. it begins..

i cry.. and i cry and i cry..

teeth hurt, jaw hurts..

acid builds up

never restful, never at peace

fear cripples

and then the cycle moves on

escalates..

and i cry and cry and cry..

let down

I feel quite disappointed in my friends really. But its not entirely their fault. I should have been more pro-active... no one else takes the initiative to plan a trip.. WHY do I have to be the one? I don't mind doing it jointly but I dislike having to do the whole planning on my own because I have other things to do as well okay.

But crossing fingers I'll still be able to go.. =) I'm going with a not-so-close friend. Sometimes I think that this is better cause you won't be so invested if anything goes wrong between the two of you and on the plus side, you'll get to know someone else better!

NEW YORK AND FLORIDA BABY!!

anyway.... watched devil wears prada with W tonight. Was nice to kick back and relax.

I'm also stressed out by the whole finals thing.. these next 6 months are going to test my nerves.. so badly.. i just can't wait for them to be over..

god... please help me.. give me strength and calm to see these next 6 months of turbulence through.

Other than that.. nothing very interesting.

W made yummy, refreshing watercress and pork soup. I'm terribly proud of her, she's getting better at cooking and lol I hope we'll be in friends in future as well so that i can see her growth.

Well, goodnight! Its another week.. let's take it a step at a time.

xoxo